Colorful Flowers

✿》35 - 10/23/11《✿

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Dear Diary,

Today is the day I get my cast off. I don't really know how to feel about anything. Obviously I went through a lot, but everything just feels different. It's like people are walking on eggshells around me, like I could explode at any minute. I mean most of the time I don't know how I will react to things, but I haven't been outside a lot because of my cast and stuff. You obviously know what happened in that building and still no one else knows, Bea only knows the stuff that happened while we were together. I haven't seen Bea in a while and I miss her a lot. I hope we can meet up soon again. She understood what was happening. If I told Lucy Gray what happened she would understand, she's one of the most empathetic people I know. Sometimes I wish I could tell her what happened and sometimes I wish she would never know what happened at all. My mind is in a constant battle always and I don't want it to be like this anymore because on top of everything that makes me feel bad there is also my autism.

I want to be able to run around with the Covey back in District 12 and to watch them perform at the Hob again. I miss the lake and feeling the breeze there against my face and the cold water that made you not hot on a summer day. I miss everything about District 12 even the people who made fun of me which says a lot. My accent is starting to go away which makes me sad, it's not my fault I just mimic people a lot to fit in. I just miss hearing everyone with the same accent as me and Lucy Gray. We were always outsiders in District 12 but me and Lucy Gray are also outsiders in the Capitol it seems like we never truly belong anywhere. I guess you get used to it after a while but I just want to fit in somewhere. I fit in with the rest of the Covey but they are seen as outsiders also.

I've read most of the books on my bookshelf when I haven't been able to do anything. Lucy Gray says I can read super fast, but I have always been able to read fast. I like learning about everything. I like knowing why something does something or why it doesn't do something. Coriolanus says he will get me more books soon which is nice because I am almost done with all of them.

Bring your kid to work day is coming up. Hopefully I won't have to wear a brace for that. Lucy Gray and Coriolanus decided to postpone the wedding until I can walk again and feel better. I don't know if I will ever feel better in my head but my body will be good soon. I think the wedding is now mid November. I asked Aunt Tigris if I could perform at the wedding because she is planning it. She said I could but I told her to keep it a secret because I wanted it to be a surprise. I hate performing but I want to do this for Lucy Gray. I've started to write a song for it. Lucy Gray has always been the songwriter but I have acquired some of the skills because of mama and daddy. Lucy Gray says mama was really good at writing music so there must be some of that in my blood also. Here's what I have so far written:

There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things

Like a shoe box of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?

And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

That's what I have so far. I know it's not a lot but I still have a couple of more weeks until I have to perform it. I absolutely hate performing but it is one of my goals to be able to perform with Lucy Gray and the Covey. The sad thing is that performing at the Hob became illegal in District 12 is what I heard from Lucy Gray which is sad because the Covey always had the best time performing at the Hob. I don't think I will ever get to perform with the Covey since I am stuck in the Capitol. I just hope to see them for a little bit.