My Magical Waifu

Chapter Thirty

Chapter 30


Lord Farquaad’s POV

I sit at the back of my carriage as Pansy snuggles into my arm. Eventually I cannot help but turn to her, annoyed, and finally tell her, “look woman, I believe I have made a mistake, I’m in love with Madame Dracella and she could have seen that interview and had a heart attack!”. She sits up, angrily, and looks as if she is preparing to tell me something that would forever change my views. “Well your so called Dracella-“ My phone’s ringing cuts her off, suddenly, and she huffs like a charging boar. Although I would enjoy listening to the beautiful ring tone (It’s me singing ‘umbrella’ by ‘Rihanna’) I see the name of an old confidante, to whom I owe a few favours, glow on the screen of my speaking telegraph. I pick up in a hurry and soon enough that booming, memorable voice sounds through the phone.

“MY SON HAD A HEART ATTACK!!¡!¡!!¡!!!!”
I stare at my expensive phone. “Wait Dracula?”
“...What? NO DRACO! HIS NAME IS DRACO!!”
He seems a bit enraged so I comfortingly comfort him in his time of need. “Hey its not so bad, now he won’t be in your way like you always bitch to me about” I say sweetly with a warm smile that he can’t see cause we’re on the phone. I eat my caviar delicately as I heed his cries of despair.
“MY LORD WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT” he bellows “I SECRETLY REALLY LOVE MY MEDIOCRE SON, EVEN IF HE IS A FAILIURE. I JUST HAVE A UNIQUE PARENTING STYLE. ALSO, NOW WHO WILL TAKE OVER THE MALFOY MANOR ONLINE MERCH STORE OR MY ALPHA MALE PODCAST??😭”
“Isnt Malfoy manor that one love island ripoff where all the guys get with their mums?”
“No that’s milf manor. I hate that I know that.”
As I believe the conversation topic changes from his son who went into cardiac arrest to Milf Manor I decided to give my opinions on the show.
“The plot is very well thought out and immersive, although I do believe that if the show took more time to flesh out each and every character, like disco mommy’s arc with her ex husband who she still makes love with, it would have been a more enjoyable experience.”
...
“Can you stop giving constructive criticism on milf manor and come help my dying son.”
“Let me think about it – no🫶🥺☺️”
“BITCH WHY-"

I hang up royally.
I don't know why he’s asking me for so much when we only met back at the ball where we discussed how I wish to be one of the next contestants in the spinoff of milf manor, which is dilf manor, and we were discussing the immaculate plot and script design, before my beloved dracella showed up and I fucked off to simp.
But in all sincerity, I don’t know who the hell his son is. Never met him in my life. Ever ever. Couldn’t give a single flying fuck about the boy. Some might think to themselves, ‘OH, MIGHTY LORD FARQUAAD, WOULDNT THIS ACT OF IGNORANCE CAST A STAIN UPON YOUR SEXY IMAGE??’ And to that I say, piss of- I mean it only counts inside of Duloc, and rn I’m visiting Queen Lizzy’s grave rip my G 🙏🙏🕊