Catchfly: Seeing Stars

Chapter 11: Bobblehead

September 9 – 2:22 AM

It's a good thing I didn't text Avery that Mike likes her shoes, because during the ride to Mike's place, I find out he not only has a girlfriend who goes to Princeton, but he's planning on moving there next year to be with her. That relationship is solid.

She's a year older than us– she was a senior at New Bern last year, but when Mike shows me a picture, she doesn't seem familiar. It makes perfect sense: she's Mike's girlfriend. She must've been a shadow at school like he is.

Like Jace is.

"Thanks for the ride, man." Mike gives Jace a quick handshake and slides out of the car. "I'll see you around, Paisley." He smiles at me before he shuts the door. Somehow I'm flattered.

Mike runs inside. It started raining only moments ago. There's some rumbling in the ominously dark sky that makes me glad I'm inside the car rather than out there.

Jace drives off once Mike is inside his house. Mike got so excited telling me about his girlfriend, there wasn't a silent moment in the ride to his house. But with Mike gone and the radio soft, the car turns quiet.

"The heat always takes a while to start up, sorry about that." Jace says, noticing me sitting here shivering. I drop my arms quickly. "No, it's fine. I'm okay." I don't want him to feel bad. I put my elbow on the window frame, leaning on the palm of my hand.

"Do you still have a headache?"

I glance over at him. I'm pretty impressed that he remembered I told him about that. It was such a small detail of our conversation in the dining room.

"...No. Or maybe I do, I just don't feel it."

"The magic of alcohol."

"Why don't you drink?" Any other moment, I may have put some thought into asking a question like this, but right now my filter is directly connected to the state of my liver.

"I just don't." Jace barely answers, as always. But I don't really care. I'm too introspective. Because come to think of it, why do I drink? Tonight I did to forget and escape Levi, and Cyrus. But the numbness won't be around forever. Levi will want to talk to me. My worry for Sienna will return. My fear for Cyrus. Even my headache.

"Is it pathetic to run away from your problems?" I ask.

Jace eyes me. "I mean... I have no idea what you're talking about, so I don't really know how to answer that."

I take a deep breath. "I keep... avoiding everything. Every time I'm worried or hurt I just run away. I always have. Not even just physically. I push things out of my mind, I ignore them. Numb them with alcohol."

I wonder if maybe Levi fell out of love with me because I wasn't me anymore. I'd run away from myself, through him.

"That doesn't have to be a bad thing, right?" Jace surprises me. "Don't get me wrong: you should never use alcohol to run from something. But there's a difference between running away from your problems and giving yourself some space before you can deal with them. I think it could actually be good to take a step back from your problems, so you can be smart about them."

I watch the rain pour down. Man. He's right. Because now that I've taken a step back from Levi, I can see our relationship for what it was. Pretend.

"Just because you don't share your pain with the world, doesn't mean you don't feel it." Jace adds.

I eye him. "I'm sharing it with you."

"Yeah, but I'm your life coach, remember?" He grins at me. I smile and turn to face the window again. Lightning flashes in the distance. A rumble of thunder follows. My eyelids get heavy as I watch the dark houses pass us by. As soon as I close my eyes, the nicest feeling comes over me. I hate stormy weather; I can never sleep through thunder and lightning. It's different now, somehow. I hear the rain, I feel the car move, but I'm completely still. I don't have to be part of the storm. I'm safe.