A Wolf's Purpose

•Chapter 63• Daddy-Daughter Bond

All she could do was sit there and listen. She needed a recharge."Yeah, your mommy was the woman of my dreams. Half of the time I spent with her I could barely grasp the reality of it." Bill started, "Such a sweet girl. And she was so desperate to be loved. Then again, your mom wasn't hard to love. She's the most perfect person who has ever lived."
"Until you killed her." Bill looked at her with that darkened gaze. Jade swallowed the large lump in her throat. But Bill let it slide - for some reason - and lowered his gaze back to the blood that was going into his daughter's arm. "If I wanted her dead, I would have killed her. She was weaker. I couldn't save her. And I tried, little one, I did. It may not seem like it, but I did everything in my power to save her. Those blood bags in the fridge? Those belonged to your mother. I got them for her. But she was too weak." Bill sounded so calm as if he was glad to talk about it after all these years. And he didn't seem to be lying. Bill's love for Parker simply could not be doubted. Jade couldn't remember it very well, but the photos and video images from the past said enough. Of course, she wasn't there, but Bill must have tried. You don't fake that. Eric said something in the past but he wasn't there either. "Mom wanted you to be safe—all four of you. And I know that didn't turn out the way it should have. I feel really bad about it, little one. And if I could take it back or do it differently, I would. I really would. I can't stand seeing you like this." There it was. Pity. This wasn't sincere, or at least it didn't feel that way. "You won't talk me out of it. What you did was wrong. That is so terribly wrong. Who would do something like that to their own children?" She said as calmly as possible. Bill narrowed his eyes for a moment and pinched his nose. "Don't know." But he knew that. He just couldn't find the words for it.

How do you explain something like that to your child of all people? He is well aware that he's a monster. Sometimes those moments of clarity hit him. Other times he would... well, slaughter people. He let out a sigh. Bill couldn't handle his daughter hating him without even trying to explain it to her. Explain how it feels to him. "In a way, I thought that if I were the monster in this world, then the other monsters wouldn't be so bad. Because I would never, ever intentionally hurt you or your brothers." Those words didn't feel right but are there words that ever would? This is about murder. Cold-blooded murder. That a father committed and is trying to sweet talk so his daughter won't spit on his coffin at his next funeral. "You did hurt us. And you knew exactly what you were doing the whole time. You were out for revenge and never even bothered to think about your own family. You were blinded by it, Dad."
"You don't get it. After everything... I know it's not an excuse. I had to kill to survive. I had to live. I wanted to live." He said, "It became normal. It's the wrong type of normal, I know that, but it became a routine. I don't see the issue with it even if I try." It was sounding worse with every word he added. But it was the truth. He couldn't help it. Therapy won't help. It's a survival instinct at this point. Second nature. There is nothing you can do to change that overnight or even in a few years. It is wrong, it has always been wrong, so wrong. "You're sick." Jade spat at her father. "I know that. And so are you." Was that meant to be funny? Jade looks at her father. "This thing... it will never truly go away, you know. You will always need something to recharge after a while. I can't do the killing for you forever, sweetheart." Bill reached up his hand to cup his daughter's cheek. His hand was so warm. "I am not a killer. I tried." 
"That's because you went for the big shot right away. Family is too big. You have to work toward the big picture, sweetie. Baby steps and one at a time." But Jade started to shake her head very quickly. 

The memory of what happened last year was becoming too much. Holding that weapon and almost killing her brother is the most traumatic thing she has ever witnessed. And she did it herself. He could have been dead. "I'm not a killer. I tried, Dad. I can't do it. I won't do it. Ever."
"You might have to, baby, I can't keep doing it for you. Once you're cured you'll need another supply just in case. I do too. I know it's a terrible thing. But you need it to live, baby." Bill's thumb stroked her cheek. Why did this all feel so wholesome? "I needed you, Dad." She said, "Not someone who needed to be taken care of. And even that was a lie." She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes. "I don't want to kill."
"You have to, little one. Daddy's going to help you, okay? You're going to be fine. This is all so scary, I know it is, but I'll help you. Just like I helped mom." Jade glared at him. "That does not sound very soothing." She said. Bill smiles at his daughter warmly. "You'll be fine, Jade," he assures her. He removed the tube from her arm as carefully as he could and patched her up. He remained on his knees in front of her and kissed her on the top of her hands. "You will be fine, sweetheart." Jade was having trouble believing it all. But it felt so wholesome, loving, and warm. Like the way it used to be. "What about Cas?"
"The kid? What about him?" 
"Dad, we left him there. He wanted to help me." Jade mumbled to her father. "We'll find him, baby. If that's what you want, we'll get him." Bill replied as he gently tapped her hands. "We left him there to die." She really wanted Casper here. He would hug her tightly and let her fall asleep while rubbing her head gently. "He's fine. I'm sure he is. I'll put someone on it, alright? They probably found him in the car, after hearing the gunshot, he's probably in the hospital. I will put someone on it right away, little one." He tells her. "I thought you wanted him dead," Jade replied. "I did. No one takes away my little girl, you know that." He smiles warmly, "But you need him. Like I needed your mom. As long as he keeps his hands off you, that's fine with me." Jade returned the smile and felt a new form of comfort. Is this what a normal father is supposed to be like?