Fear of Love

Chapter 28....

After a moment I pulled away looking at all three of my friends. It wasn't surprising that they were here. Josie probably texted them after I said I was coming over.

"I'll get us some wine." Tasha said before heading towards the kitchen. Josie, Sydni and I made our way to the living room. Standing there off to the side was Wyatt, staring at us with wide eyes.

I would have laughed at his expression if I didn't see the similarities of Landon in him.

"Babe, it's girl time." Josie shot him a look.

"I'm just gonna...." He jerked his thumb towards the door. Within seconds he had his jacket and keys in hand going out the door. Once he was gone I took a seat on the couch, Sydni taking my purse and putting it off to the side.

"Want to tell us what happened?" Sydni asked softly, rubbing my back as I used my left hand to wipe my face. A moment later Tasha appeared with four wine glasses in hand, the bottle tucked under her arm.

They all crowded around me, offering silent support. I stared down into the wine trying to decide where to start.

"Lydia." A hand on my leg had me sighing.

"I've fallen for Landon."

All three of them were silent. Their eyes wide but not looking as surprised as I thought the would. I waited for them to say something.

"That's...."

"Okay..."

"Want to start from the beginning?" Josie offered, looking confused as to why I was so upset that I've fallen for Landon.

"For the past two months Landon and I have been hanging out."

"Hanging out as in..." Tasha prodded.

"Having sex." I said quietly, waiting for the bomb to set them off. I was waiting for the shocked looks and the anger that I kept this from them but after a minute none of that happened. In fact they all seemed pretty...happy?

"Why aren't you guys jumping up and freaking out?" I questioned looking at each of them.

"Oh hun." Sydni squeezed my knee. "You guys weren't as sly as you think."

At my expression Josie jumped in.

"At the hockey game you two were basically eye fucking each other. And when you were looking the other direction Landon could only look at you."

"And at the after party suddenly you were gone and Landon. Wasn't hard to put two and two together." Tasha sent me a sympathetic look.

I really shouldn't have been surprised that they already figured it out. Hell we've had a group chat doing bets on Tasha and Trevor so of course they all knew. So all the times I've made excuses to be with Landon they knew I was lying.

"Why aren't you guys mad?"

"Why would we be?" Josie looked at me with raised eyebrows. "We've been waiting for you two to get together for years now."

"You've both have had this love hate relationship going since you met." Tasha pointed out.

"Is that why you're upset? Because you didn't tell us?" Sydni asked.

"No. I mean it's part of it." My eyes went back to my untouched wine, tears once again pricking my eyes. "I think I've lost him."

They all stayed quiet as I went on to tell them everything from the start. Who Jared was, the first time Landon and I slept together, how Landon was the one who took me to the hospital and stayed with me for two full days, and finally Landon and my last conversation two nights ago.

"Lyd." The tone from Josie was enough to tell me I royally fucked up and not just with Landon. "Why didn't you tell any of us this?"

My left hand played with cast, keeping my eyes downcast.

"I don't know. I guess I just never wanted to think about it." Now that I have told them about my past I don't know why I haven't before. Just getting it off my chest made me feel lighter than I ever have. I've held everything in for so long that I've forgotten what its like to not struggle alone.

"If I had known I wouldn't have forced you to do all these things for the wedding." Josie started to say but I quickly shook my head.

"No, don't. It's my fault for not saying anything sooner. You can't know if I don't say anything." I reached out and squeezed her hand. "Helping with the wedding was never a problem." And I meant it. It may have brought up unwanted memories but I'd never not help my best friend marry the love of her life, regardless of my past.

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner."

"Don't be. We all have our own baggage. You should never feel like you have to share if you don't want too." Tasha said, her inner counselor coming out. "But the real question is why didn't you just tell Landon?"

"I don't know." I wish I had an actual reason for why I didn't but I don't. I wanted to but no matter what I did I couldn't get the words out.

"Can I say something from an outside perspective?" Sydni asked. At my nod she moved to fully face me on the couch.

"I think you are so scared of everyone leaving that you push them all away before they can. You've always had walls up and as soon as someone gets close to those walls you back away. It's not a bad thing." She quickly added. "But sometimes you need to just trust that the person you are with isn't going to leave. Need to trust that us," Sydni gestured to Josie and Tasha. "are not going to leave. We are here for the long haul."

"You're three month free trail ended well over two years ago." Tasha joked.

"And same goes for Landon." Josie took over. "He may be an asshole at times but he isn't the type to just leave. Hell look at what he's done for his family. He could have easily left when he grew up but he stayed around to take care of Evelyn, Wyatt and Mateo. He had a shitty job just so Wyatt could live his dream."

I knew what she was saying was true but that stupid voice in my head kept saying 'no he's going to leave you like everyone else'. Years of being alone, of being left by anyone I got close to, has made my walls sky high. Made it so I don't trust anyone around me not to leave. I knew it wasn't healthy but having something so engrained in you its hard to stop being that way.

I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't want to keep pushing everyone away. I've kept these three amazing women at arms length and yet they are still here. Dropping everything to be here when I needed. I don't deserve their friendship.

"I'm sorry for being so distant." Once again tears filled my eyes. All I've done the last few days is cried and I hated it.

"We are just glad you told us."

"We love you." Josie wrapped her arms around my shoulders before Sydni and Tasha all but tackled me into a hug.

As the four of us hugged I thought back to two years ago when we did the exact same thing for Josie in this same apartment. I hugged them all a little tighter, vowing to be a better friend.

After a few minutes we all pulled away, settling back into our spots.

"What are you going to do?" Sydni asked.

"I have no clue." I leaned my head back on the couch.

"You need to ask yourself three questions." At Tasha's words I lifted my head to look at her, waiting for her to continue. "Are you over Jared?" When I opened my mouth to say 'hell yes' Tasha put her hand up to stop me.

"I don't mean if you are still in love with him. As in, are you over what he did to you? You need to accept it happened and decide if you are going to continue letting it affect you. You don't need to forgive him. You don't need forgiveness to move on." Tasha's words pierced my chest.

She was right. I needed to accept the past and move on from it. I need to stop letting it control the rest of my life.

"Then you need to ask if you love Landon. If you can see yourself with him."

I knew I was falling for him but was I in love with him?

"And finally, if you are in love with him what are you going to do to get him back." 

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