𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 - 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆

26 | Childhood Home

*Now playing - Memory Lane
by Haley Joelle*

I take a deep breath, face to face with the place that was so familiar but foreign at the same time.

I emotionally detached from this place a long time ago and it wasn't until my talk with Seungmin that I realized the piece of me that felt lost. It's always been lost but I filled it with other things... people.

I stood in front of my childhood home. I haven't been back since I moved in with Jae. Truth be told we were in a relationship but I never saw it as one and maybe that's wrong of me. I used him to feel this void but I did the same with Jisung at first.

My family was so fucked that I sought out the feeling a family would bring you. Safety, love... I didn't find it right away with him but my big crush on him didn't help because I stayed even when I didn't find it.

I knock lightly and a couple minutes later the door opens to reveal my mom smiling happily "Oh my goodness, look at you" She pulls me into a tight hug, pulling away and holding my face into her hands "You've gotten so big" She looks at me "And so skinny, do you not eat enough"

"Mom"

"Leave the boy alone" My dad comes into view and I swallow harshly "It's good to have you home son," He says with a small smile and I reluctantly give him one back.

Walking into the house felt like I was walking through a dream. So many memories in this place that I felt overwhelmed.

"I'm making dinner and I tidied up your room this morning," My mom says and I chuckle.

"Thank you, Mom, you didn't have to really"

"It's not every day my oldest son comes home," She says and I frown slightly, She puts her hands on my shoulder, giving it a small squeeze "But hopefully now, you visit more often"

I nod "Yeah, I will try my very best"

She left to the kitchen and I was left with my dad, "Jeongin said you were doing good, the shops been busy I hear" He made small talk and I sighed.

"Yeah, holidays are the worst but every day is pretty busy"

He nods with a smile "As long as you're doing what you love"

I bite my tongue and nod "Yeah" I say "I'm gonna—" I notion upstairs "I'm gonna go put my bag away and go for a small walk, I do miss this area"

"Of course, be back before dinner. You know how your mom is" He jokes and I nod, walking past him.

I know my dad knew that I knew about his affair years ago. I never mentioned it to him directly but I never acted oblivious to it either. Since then it's always been small talk and maybe he did care about my life after moving away and maybe he did change but I never gave him the chance to show me, I left and I never came back and when they did hear from me it was over the phone. A shitty son, that was me I guess.

I made it to my room and I felt myself grow anxious. My eyes wandered the untouched room, clean and I knew my mom still did her weekly dusting because there was none. It was like I had never left.

When I did move out I only took my clothes and left everything else. I wanted to start fresh but did I really?

Could it be considered starting fresh if I ended up in the same place as before, with the same guy that I eventually broke up with? That was fucking deja vu if anything.

I walk in and drop my bag, my eyes going to my nightstand. Walking to it, I bend over and let my hands graze over the picture frame of the three of us, Jisung, Seungmin, and I.

I look away and sit on my bed, letting it all sink in that I was here. My childhood bedroom.

-

The small breeze brushes my face as the winter starts approaching its end and welcoming spring, the month that flowers thrive and all plants do.

I walk past the familiar houses and gaze at how they stood the same over the years, wondering if the same family lives in them or if they made their escape out of this town just like I had.

My feet finally halt in steps and I stare up at the house that I would truthfully say had most of my memories when I was a teenager. It was no longer empty like the last time I had seen it, very much lived in and occupied with another family.

I remember sneaking out of my house to come here, it was the safety that surrounded it. The comfort that the two people that live in it brought me. Jisung and his dad.

I felt my hot cheeks grow wet, not realizing I was crying until now. I wipe my tears and turn around, I don't know why I came here. Was it for my family or to reminisce about the simpler times?

Or just closure from both.

But instead, the feelings were all too overwhelming. I missed him, I missed him so much. Who he used to be and how little our life was. It was much more complicated now, I couldn't just be with him without the lies that followed—without the pain and so I had to let him go.

For myself, for that peace.

-

I had gotten back to the house not long ago but long enough to where my face wasn't puffy and red from crying. I didn't want questions on why I was sad.

My mom had kept most of the conversation going throughout dinner, trying to catch up on my life and even mentioning Ellie. I guess their relationship was amazing and it gave me a bitter taste in my mouth.

"So, how is Jisung?" My mom brings up for the first time tonight, that's a record.

I clear my throat "Good, I'm assuming"

The thing is, I was in such denial about Jisung being 'dead' that I never told my parents. To be fair, I wasn't the best at keeping contact with them and it was all too much for me that I never had the time or mostly the heart to call them and tell them any of it and I now am thankful Jeongin didn't as well—Makes sense since he knew he was alive the whole time.

Anyways, If I had this situation would be a whole lot different.

"Assuming? Is everything okay?" My dad asks.

I nod "Yeah, fine" I lie, "We aren't exactly together anymore" I admit.

"Oh, dear" My mom sympathizes, knowing how hurt I was when he left all those years ago.

I waved it off like it was nothing, "It truly is alright, we had been having problems for a few months now.  It wasn't so unexpected"

'Problems', that's one way to put it but definitely not far from the truth.

The rest of dinner went surprisingly well and no, I didn't tell them about Luca. It felt kind of wrong to speak about him in this house that was full of memories of Jisung and I. He was the first and last guy I had here and honestly, I wanted to keep it that way for a little longer.

*Now playing - Memory Lane
by Haley Joelle*

This song breaks my heart into a million pieces and it's sooo 'dear darling' coded