To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

Wash away the blood (reg pov)

I loved the bobble, don't get me wrong I loved the few moments I got with James, the sweet kisses in the moonlight or the small talks that meant something. But the problem was the world was crumbling and we tried so hard to ignore it and just live in each other. I loved James Potter, I knew it I hoped he did as well, but it is so tiring pretending everything is fine as it all gets reduced to ash in your palm.

I had the world if I wanted it, I could just run away maybe take James with me. I played the fantasy over and over in my head picturing every move, every adventure but I knew it wasn't realistic, we would both fight.

So yeah, I didn't tell him, I didn't tell anyone. So that meant on the day of my first death eater raid I was alone, both before and after. No one whipped my tears or told me I wasn't evil or a monster, no one did a thing. In the hours leading up the attack I played quidditch with James, ate breakfast with Sirius studied with pandora and Lilly acting in the bubble, not wanting to hurt any of them.

I saw the dark lord for the second time that day. He shook my hand as if we were old friends greeting me kindly and happily. I don't know if he just liked mass genocide or me but either way it felt very off putting. He was a handsome man something -Bella pointed out a lot- his cheek bones were high, a deep widows peak, pale skin, but it was the eyes. The dark lord's eyes were always bloodshot and tired looking as if he just went through terrible pain, the pupil was black as well with a sharp simmer of white if you looked hard enough.

We were at a small muggle village I still don't know where, I think our main target was one specific man who insulted our cause and married a witch but then when she miserly died he was left with two magical children. I was handed a file about him some days before the attack; I poured it over for hours far into the night. I knew everything from his blue eyes to his favorite Italian place. It was sad that I could learn everything that my people deemed important about his life in a matter of days. His whole worths shriveled down to just a few pages.

I remember all of us death eater and volunteers getting our mask ready the crowed transforming into a sea of silver and black. It was a small group, less than 20 I would say, the only two I knew there were Bella and the dark lord, which meant I had to trust complete stringers with my life. It sent a shiver down the spine.

I remember getting into formation, I was next to a guy at least twice my age who smelt like onions, and to my other side was a woman with a sharp jaw and her hair pulled back behind her mask. It pained me that we were on the same side. I remember being given the call to strike, I remember the smiles behind masks as we were running into the unsuspecting village. Bella yelled for me to go with her into a poor muggle man's home. I did what I always did, I obeyed.

He was a tall lanky man with greying thinning hair, there was fear in his eyes, a haunting fear. Bella smiled as she approached lifting her wand. She didn't even cast a spell and he fell to his knees sobbing. She told him to shut up but that only made him wailed more and more each time it sinking into my skin. I felt nauseous, my stomach was in knots and my hands trembled as I held my wand. "Come here darkest." Bella cooed so I took a step closer to the pair.

She smiled but she always smiled at other people's pain, "which unforgivable would you like to try first dear cousin." I blinked back to her and asked a simple "what?"

She signed lifting the man by his hair forcing him to look at me through the tears that fell from his eyes "I thought you all 3 didn't I which one would you like to try first? And please don't say the killing one. I know your more fun than that."

I didn't want to. Let me just get that out before I tell you what I did next. I did not want to. If it were up to me, I would run back to school and sob in James' arms and forget. Just forget but the war, about the muggle man, about the dark lord, my family, everything. I wish I could just forget and slip away. But that is not how life works. I was soon to learn you do not get to go back and forget.