Just a Pucking Grumpy Goalie [COMPLETED]

Chapter 44 - And life changes

Kat

By Saturday, the house has flowers on every available surface. I wake up to the caterers clattering downstairs as they're setting up for the memorial after the funeral service.

The dress I'm wearing is hanging on my closet door, and I stare at it for a while. Taking my time, I read over the little speech I wrote. It's not much, but I want to honor my grandma and make sure everyone knows what an awesome person she was and how much she meant to me.

The day goes by in a haze. Here and there, little things make an impression on me, and I focus on them. The way the car smells after it was detailed. The run in grandma's younger sister's stocking. How she almost seems older than grandma. The steps up to the podium where I read my speech. How much I don't want to smile after the funeral. The way mom makes us hurry home before the guests arrive. How one of my nails chips when I help her move the table in the hallway.

And then, the memorial starts. It's as if it's a new day. A new life. People tell funny stories and laugh. They greet each other as if they haven't met in years, and I suppose for some that's true.

People come up to me and comment on how grown up I've become, something I had hoped would have ended by the time I turned eighteen. Or sixteen, for that matter.

I smile at distant relatives, neighbors, and friends of my parents and grandma. Everywhere I go, mom puts on an act and tells them I've decided to take some time off from UNI to be there for them, making me sound like a devoted daughter. Every time, I want to scream that it's not the reason. I want to tell them that they're making me move back because I kissed a guy.

But I don't. I play the part and push down my anger. I smile and shake hands.

And when my mom's friend turns to me with a disappointed look and lectures me on how important it is to get a good education, it's all I can do to not burst into tears. I tell her I'm looking into online classes and that I still intend to get my degree as soon as possible.

This seems to confuse her, but mom distracts her and I turn to one of my grandma's book club friends. I joined her book club a few times and Lena always seemed like a nice old lady.

"I'm going to miss her," she sighs.

"Me too." I grab a glass of iced tea and take a sip.

"You know she spoke about you a lot." Lena sips a glass of wine.

"She did?"

Nodding, she gently touches my arm to move me to the side of the room.

"Your grandma was so proud of you. Of JD too, of course, but I think she saw you as the woman she could have been. Especially during your fight with your parents to go to UNI."

"We didn't fight," I say meekly, and look at the ice in my drink.

"Well, she fought for you. I understand that losing her is hard on you, but I do wish you'd consider going back to UNI sometime. Grief is hard. And you should take your time, but don't give up on it completely. That's not what she wanted."

Tears burn as I nod at her. She squeezes my elbow and heads to talk to someone else.

It almost feels like a slap in the face, knowing that grandma wanted me to go to UNI, and now mom is using her passing as an excuse for why she's pulling me out.

I don't like it. The whole situation is chafing at me. It's not right. I look out over the crowd and know I have to do something. Maybe if I start applying for jobs? Or if I look into the student loans again?

What if I change my major? I almost gasp at the idea. If I find a way to pay for it myself, then they couldn't stop me.

I chuckle quietly when I realize that I'm daydreaming of a future that's out of reach. For now. Maybe one day.