Home | Outer Banks FF

29|JJ

I wake up much sooner than Kie. It's hard to let go of her because I know it won't happen again.

I know she just needed me last night. She needed someone and I was that lucky she's living with me that it was me she cling to. And then the whole conversation we had after I hang up on John B. I feel like shit knowing I practically told her she's the girl for me but she will never know. It also hurted to hear she has someone in mind. Someone who I'll never be. I wish I was. I wish we were talking about each other as the no one's. But that's too good to be true. I know I'm not that lucky. I had a chance to be with her but I pushed her away. I pushed her into someone else's arms and look at how that went for her.

I sigh and count to 10 before I bury those feeling back inside of me and let her go. She doesn't wake up but moves a bit. Like she knows I'm leaving but... she probably thinks I'm that no one she loves and can't have. Just like I can't have her. At least I got this night. I got one night when I could pretend she could be mine. But it's a new day and the reality is kicking my butt reminding me it was just a fantasy.

I get up, take a shower, brush my teeth and change into something that doesn't smell like her. However, the hardest things here is that seeing her things around, seeing her live here with her daughter. I see the life we could have. The life I wish we have. But I know, I know she will be gone the second the case is closed and I'll stay here. It could never work even if she did feel the same. She won't give up her work, she told me that herself, and she can't be an FBI agent in OBX. Even the universe knows it wouldn't work out. I mean, even a blind person could see that from a mile away. Like I said, I ruined my chance and like Bails thinks, there's no second chances.

I leave the room with my phome and close myself in my little office I have in my house. I need to get my head straight and lock my heart before she wakes up. She will say she needed me yesterday because of the trauma and I need to be ready to hear it with a smile on my face.

And what's a better way to get myself together than work and forget about life.

I work for about an hour when I get to an email in my mail box that is from Unknown and without anything in it except for a video. I check the date and see it's from about week ago.

I click on it even thought I'm worried it's from that psycho who change the scenary from texts to emails.

I frown when I realize it's Kie on the video in a car. I turn on the volume and watch.

***

And here I was thinking that nothing more can ruin me today. Well it shows that can. It shows that I don't know what to think anymore or feel for that matter.

I look out of the window and replay it in my head over and over again.

You even have his shirt and called his house 'home'.

You are a fucking whore.

You never loved me! You always loved him!

Did you stopped and think why I did what I did?!

Because you tried to control me and I didn't let you?! Or maybe you are an asshole who had to prove he's stronger than me!

No! You never loved me! You were in love with him! You said so yourself! Of course I was jealous and just wanted to save our marriage!

Did you really think you could beat the love I have for JJ?! And for the record, I did love you. I told you I was in love with JJ when we were just friends!

But you never got over him! Not fully! There was always part of you who loved him! A part that should have been mine! Because you were my wife! You had no business to love him too!