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27|Kiara

It's still dark outside when my phone starts to ring. I'm still half asleep so I just extand my hand and answer it.
"This better be good, JB, or I'll kill you myself." I say with my eyes still closed.
"Oh, Kie?" he asks. What the fuck?
"You called me, man. Why are you so surprised I picked up?" I ask confused and still tired. JJ stirts behind me and bury his head into my neck holding me tighter.
"Well, I called you and you didn't in fact pick up, so I called JJ if he has any news on you... you know, we were still waiting on the news if you were alive, but here. you. are..." I can see him smiling and I realize it was JJ phone not mine I picked up.
"Right. Mine phone blew up." I whisper.
"Also, I thought you didn't know what happened and then I found out you did but I lied about it first so JJ and I kind of had a fight and then..." I try to explain but he interupts me.
"You kissed and make out?" he laughs now.
"Ha, funny." I shake my head, which JJ doesn't like. He grabs the phone from my hands.
"It's the middle of the night, go annoy someone else." he says to John B before he hangs up and tosses the phone on his side of the bed since we are mostly on mine.

I don't know what made me to pull him to me before we fell asleep but I just couldn't.. fall asleep and I needed him close. I needed to feel safe after the bomb attack. I wasn't thinking. I am still not, which why I turn around to him face to face. He has his eyes closed but I know he's awake. I move closer snuggling him. He doesn't protest at all, he holds me tight around my middle.
"Jayj,..." I say because I don't know if I should say something. This is not normal, not between friends at least. And we are just that, he made it perfectly clear 10 years ago. I know how I feel about him, I always have. Jack knows. Maybe even JJ knows but he pushed me away. I got it when he practically said we won't ever be more than friends. However, I need him tonight. I need him close to me. I can't fight to stay away now.
"Don't say anything, Kie." he whispers back. Maybe I should, but I think he thinks this is just because I went through something traumatic. He said he heard the bomb went off and he didn't know if I was alive. Maybe he needs this too to remind him I'm still here.
"Okey." I say instead.
"I'm sleeping here, Kiara. Sleep too." he says and leans his forehead against mine. I can't keep my eyes closed when he's so close. I open them to find out he's already looking back at me.
"You said you are sleeping." I whisper now but for a totaly different reason. I can't catch my breath with him so close, but still out from reach. His mouth is right there and I can't count how many times I imagine it on mine.
"Is this still weird?" I ask because yeah I'm that stupid and don't listen to mine previous thought to don't go there again.
"Not bad weird." he smiles a bit reminding me our conversation from 10 years ago.
"How come you don't have someone, J? Everyone is married and have kids, or about to. How come you don't?" I ask curious.
"Don't ask me things you don't want answer to." he says.
"But I am asking thought." I push my luck hitting myself in my head. Worst case senario, I'll blame it on my trauma at the morning.
"I dated, I almost got engaged once but when I went to pick out the ring. I was thinking of someone else so I broke up with her. I also don't want kids." he says as we stare into each others eyes.
"You don't want kids?" I ask confused.
"That's what got your attention?" he chuckles.
"I mean you are good with the twins, even Bails." I explain.
"But they are not mine. I can't affect them in their life." he says.
"What do you mean?" I ask again because I have a feeling there's more.
"I had a shity dad, Kie. That's not a secret. I didn't have a great model and I don't want to affect my own kids with my past. I wouldn't be a good dad. I don't know how to be. What if I said or did something that would affect their entire life. I would only ruin them like my dad did ruin me, so no, I don't want kids." he explains.
"None of that is true, Jayj. You could never be your dad. You are the polar opposite of him. Also, when you get guardianship of LJ, he might be your brother but he's still a kid. He's 10 years old, so he might not be your kid but you will be raising him. You do know that, right?" I remind him.
"And you'll be great at it. He is going to be so lucky to have you raise him." I state.
"Everyone is better than Luke, so it's not the same. Also I read, you shape your kid the most until he's 7. He's 10 now so he should be good." he brushes it off.
"With that logic, I ruined Bailey." I state.
"No, you didn't." he denied without a heartbeat.
"Well, if that's true than everything you said about yourself before is bullshit too." I make my point.
"I see what you did there." he smiles lightly.
"So, who was this girl you wanted to buy the ring in the first place?" I go back curious. He just stares at me.
"I didn't just wanted to, Kie. I actually bought it." he says aftee a moment.
"Oh?" I am taken back.
"Yeah, oh would explain my love life in word." he chuckles without humor.
"But why? And you didn't answer who is she." I say even though I probably don't want to know.
"I just... when I saw it... I couldn't leave it there you know and it's no one." he breaks our eye contact for the first time but surprisingly for JJ he doesn't let go of me. He doesn't pull away. Well that's first time for everything.
"Must be someone when you bought her a ring even though you won't use it as it seems." I state matter-of-factly. He doesn't say anything.
"If this girl doesn't see how amazing and caring person you are, she doesn't deserve you. You also doesn't deserve be alone forever, Jayj." I say even though I know that won't ever be me. He won't let me love him the way I want to. But I stand what I said, he deserve someone.
"What if it's the other way around and I don't deserve her?" he looks up again.
"You deserve the world, J. Just look at me and what you did for me. You would fight for me if I let you. You let me into your home even after what I did to you and you have a lot on your plate without me and Bae in your life. You defended me in front of Jack even though I shouted at you later because I was I scared. You got asulted because of me. You didn't hesitate with helping me. You still didn't kick me out." and I could go on and on.
"You deserve love, J. I know it's hard for you, or at least it has been when we were kids, but Luke didn't appreciated you. You didn't do anything wrong and got beat up anyway. It was not your fault even if he said it was. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved just like everyone else." I state truthfully.
"What about you?" he ask which surprises me.
"What about me?" I chuckle confused.
"After what Jack did to you..." he starts.
"Don't go there, J. I have love in my life. I have Bae and I have you all." I say.
"That's not the same and you know it. Do you feel like you could find love again? Do feel like to have a family with someone else?" he asks and I don't know what to say because the only person I want these things is him. He was the one I imagined when he asked and not because he's in my face. Quite litteraly.
"I cam imagine that." I state.
"You have someone in mind?" he ask curious. I mean I can't blame him, I ask him the same and lot more.
"I do." I smile.
"Who is he?" he asks and kinda frowns. Maybe I just don't see clearly in the dark.
"It's no one. It's like with your girl... it's someone who I'll never have. Jack was kind of distraction and then I got pregnant and the logical thing was ger married and Bae was borm. Shit went sideway after that. I did love him at first, I thought he could be enough you know but he was never the love of my life. I still believe that there's one person for everyone but there are more but not quite like that one person. You can have a happy life but it's not that kind of-he has my heart in his pocket and I won't ever get it back-love." I try to explain.
"Yeah, I get that. More than you think." he says almost sadly.
"Sometimes I wish I could go back and have a do-over at life. I wish my parents would sent me to Kitty Hawk, well more like kidnapped
me. I wish I would have made it to the airport and went with you all to South America." I dream.
"But then I wouldn't have had Bae and I can't imagime my life without her." I add because it's also true.
"Yeah, I wish that day went differently too. I wish I knew or realized. I would have went after you instead. I just thought you got grounded and I'll see you when we get back, but..." he shakes his head.
"I didn't see you for a while and then..." he stops and frowns.
"Did you say you got kidnapped?" he looks into my eyes.
"Even though I told them what happened with Singh." I nod.
"I hate your parents so much, Kie. I'm not even sorry." he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
"You and me both. Why do you think I barely talk to them? And if I do, I do it only for Kev. Bae even told she never met them because I don't want her around toxic people." I state and he looks at me taken back.
"You let me around her." he says.
"You are not toxic, J." I shake my head.
"I told you that." I add.
"Yeah, you did." he smiles.
"Okey, let's get some more sleep." he ends the conversation and closes his eyes.
"Night." he whispers.
"Good night, Jayj." I whisper back and close my eyes too.