In love with a criminal (JUNHAO FF)

Thoughts

Minghao POV-

I don't know how many days have past. I tried to count every time I had breakfast but my thoughts in my mind were to loud so I lost count at 4. I think it's kind of weird that me, a person who's mind is always filled with positive things, can be so negative when I'm alone. Of course I think of my friends and mom but my thoughts began to wonder about other things. It's like I had time to think about me in my life. I think about how I treat others and how they might think of me. I think of how I treat my mother. When I was a teenager I used to not really appreciate my mothers efforts. When I moved here I struggled with the language and making friends. I felt alone, because I couldn't understand what other people said. My mom always tried to comfort me with fruits or an ear to listen. But I always shoo'ed her away because I wanted to have time for myself. One time when I was studying Korean, I was frustrated because it was hard. My mom came to my room with a bowl of lychee and tried to help me but failed. I snapped at her. And now when I am sitting in this basement alone with my thoughts I regret it. I also regret that I pushed away my friends because I felt excluded. They tried to hang out with me but I declined many times because I felt like I shouldn't be there. Like I didn't belong there with them. They were all rambling in Korean with each other and it was hard to keep up. They made effort to explain it to me or include me in the conversation but that didn't work out all the time. I was distant and didn't appreciate the effort that my friends put in for me. They wanted me to have friendship with me, but I tried to back out. And why? Because I was scared? Of what? Of how fast they were? Failing to keep up? Them eventually losing hope in me and abandon me? Maybe. Maybe that was the case. I was scared that if I didn't learn fast enough that I would be thrown away. I am not a fast learner and they knew. It took me so long to make a small conversation in Korean. But now that I'm alone and have time to evaluate the situation I realized that they actually didn't care about how slow I was. They tried to help me in every way possible. Yes, they made some jokes about it but they supported me and loved me for who I was. I regret it. I regret how I distanced myself. They never gave up on me. So why did I give up on them.

The time that I spent in this basement gave me a look to reality. I had time to sort out my mind and untie a lot of knots that were stuck in my mind. I learned that I have to open myself up a little and to see things from an other perspective. I learned to not crawl into your mind and be in your own bubble. Because reality can be less hard then you imagine. I always used to think of the worst case possible and let my whole world evolve around it. But I now think it's better to sometimes just see how it goes. Not to have expectations. And to let other people enter your world. Of course you don't have to show them everything, because it's still your bubble. But don't close it entirely. People can help you make it better and fun. They can help you hang some lights and put pictures of memories on the walls to make the place a little better. So when you are down and in your bubble, you can look at that wall and feel warmer. People can guide you through some dark clouds of negative thoughts by seeing things from a brighter side. With their help you can make a way towards the sun. But you need to accept that help. It's scary, I know. You maybe have to climb mountains and wonder in some dark forest. You may think it's better to just stay in place so you don't have to go through it all. Because the journey that you already accomplished was hard and tough. It was exhausting. And where did it take you? You're still under the dark clouds and the light is still the same distance away. They want you to go on but all you want is just a break. A break from everything. From the expectations and the hate. From all the negative things. You just accept them as reality. But you shouldn't do that. Try to find yourself. Sit down and try to untie the knots in your head. Not all of them. Just begin with one. Try to look outside the bubble. Try to see how the situation works and what the source is. What is the actual problem. When did it begin? Are you scared of something? Is something blocking your way? Is it something or someone? Is it attached to you or not? Is it toxic? Or does it seem like it? What is making the knot. Try to see how you can get rid of it.

(If you need some help with this read below at the end)

I came to realize all these things just because I was alone in the basement. I was happy that I got this time. I have made my mind at peace. Now I just have to survive this and get out of here so I can be with the people that I love again.

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Heyy dear readers
Thank you for 3k readers omggg <33333 I am blown away that this story is read by 3000 people omg thank you so much <3333
This is a chapter for the people with struggles in their life.
I want to study psychology and help people so I hope that this helps some of you.
I speak from my own experiences with untying my knots.
I know this will not help everyone but if it helps 1 person out I will be glad.

DISCLAIMER: I am not saying that these are THE solutions for all your problems! All problems are personal and complex. Every problem is unique because it has grown from all the experiences and happenings in someone's life and no life is the same.
These are just some things that I realized and that I think can help.

THE HELP:

(Attached as in family)

If it's someone toxic that is not attached, try to get them out of your life.

Is it someone that seems toxic and not attached try to see why you think that person was toxic and see what they actually meant.

Is it someone toxic that is attached, try to see how you can avoid it or be immune. This is the hardest situation. If you want you can try to see why that person is toxic so you can understand them better or maybe help them. But if not just try to avoid the situation that they are toxic in and try to create your own gas mask by thinking of other things or ignore it. But try to seek help in this situation from outside like a therapist.

Is it someone that seems toxic who is attached. Try to see what that person actually means. Why is that person pretending to be toxic or why does that person seem toxic to you. Do they mean something good but just don't know how to express it. Try to talk about it with that person. It's hard maybe, because they still seem toxic. But maybe there is a chance that there is a misunderstanding or struggle with expressing something. Maybe they don't want to talk. That's okay too. Then just try to figure out what they mean yourself.

Is it something that is blocking you like fear or thoughts. Try to break it down in tiny pieces. Make small steps. First drop one guard or make one guard at ease. Maybe ignore that one thought. Try to only think of one positive thing in that moment.

For example if you have social anxiety and you have to do something like grocery shopping, think of the one thing that makes you proud or happy. Maybe you have washed your hair today for the first time in days. Or something smaller like you wear your favorite bracelet. Don't think anything else only think of that one positive thing. And before you know you are outside the store and you have accomplished this mission. Be proud of it!

Maybe if you fear to fail like a test. Try to do it step for step. Read question one with caution and see what you know. And if you don't know, try it later or read again. And don't think aaaahh I don't know this question but think of the questions you did know

Make small accomplishments for yourself like make a C- a C+. Your parents are not gonna be proud of course but you can. Your grade is higher! Also accept it if it's not. And try to do your best next time. Cuz all you can do is your best and that's good enough. You know you can do it!

I don't know if anything helped so I'm sorry if it didn't, I don't have experience in everything so I'm sorry if I'm completely wrong with some things <3

I love you all and please know your worth! I am proud of you!!