The Sun

The Real Thing

I stood in middle of the bathroom in just my towel and stared at the slightly foggy image of myself in the mirror.

“Alex. Alex. Alex Morgan Coleden.” 

I had chanted it over and over to myself for days now and I still couldn’t believe how strange my own name felt to me. It was a perfectly nice name and all but it just didn’t feel like mine. I had the unshakable feeling that I was called something else. Like Alice or Mary or something. It was like suddenly thinking of your self in the third person all the time, you, only not personal anymore. I felt like a stranger in my own skin. In fact the only time my name felt even remotely like mine was when Jackson said it. Then it felt like a caress. Warm, sexy and familiar.
I felt bad because when my mother said it I felt suspiciously like I was being sworn at. It just felt stiff and foreign on her lips somehow. My instinct was to tell her to relax and call me Hon, or Darling, anything but Alex.

It was strange spending time with my family too. I always had the feeling that they needed me in some way that I couldn’t see.  Like they had some unspoken expectation of how I should behave. I hated the feeling that I was always letting them down somehow! “I suppose it’s weird for them too,” I muttered as I started to get dressed. It was 3:30 and I needed to hurry if I was going to be ready on time. Aaron was taking me to my Psychiatric appointment and then out to dinner.

Jackson had been slightly put out by the usurp into what he considered to be his territory but I explained that I needed to get to know myself better and part of that was getting to know my family again. Then I asked him to take me out to buy a dress. I had a few clothes now because I was able to access my own money. I smiled at the memory of clothes shopping with him.  It had been great fun! He has really good taste although most of what he liked shouldn’t be worn in public! Good thing he wasn’t doing the buying or I’d have tons of beautiful things and nothing to wear!

My smile faltered a bit as a rush of feelings surfaced all at once. I really was in bad way. I knew I loved Jackson but I was afraid that perhaps some of my feelings were inspired by being saved by him instead of the real and lasting feelings of love that he needed. I knew I was being silly but Jackson was an amazing guy and he deserved a woman that really loved him. And yet I really loved him and desperately wanted to be that woman! I felt really insecure too because I knew that Jackson cared for me and wanted to take it deeper but I didn’t feel ready.
The issue was that I felt that waiting for a deeper commitment was important to me. I knew the innate way a person knows that they don’t like having their teeth pulled that I would be upset by casual sex and I was sure that Jackson felt the same way. I guess if I were honest with myself the real issue was that deep down I was very afraid there could be someone waiting for me to come home. A significant someone who felt they had the right to expect faithfulness. I wanted to give myself to Jackson but not casually. I wanted marriage but what if I wasn’t free to do that. Could I love him this much and all the while be committed to someone else? I really didn’t think it was possible but I owed it to both of us to find out. It didn’t seem possible for real committed love to just be and so quickly too.

I felt like I knew Jackson better than I knew myself, more than the search and rescue/ architect thing. I had learned a lot about him being with him everyday for darn near two months. He was 33, wanted kids and believed in forever. His father had been gone for most of his life so mentoring young men was important to him. He was open, honest and very just. He even believed in communicating! He loved and served God too. He had shared his whole life with me and without excuse or apology. I liked that. I was very happy here with Jackson. He was an active man. He liked camping, swimming, soccer and of all things ballroom dancing. I didn’t think I knew anyone that could actually do that! I smiled. It would be pretty intimidating to go dancing with someone who could dance like that. We liked virtually the same food, very important because as small as I might be I had discovered that I really liked to eat.

We were going to go to my house on the weekend. Jackson was coming too. I was grateful for that. I felt safer and stronger with him than anyone else. I was secretly afraid that the unknown danger I had been in was still out there and would find me sooner or later. This deep fear had not left me once since I had been attacked. I was sure that I normally looked after myself but I felt shaken and unsure of myself and his presence would help. The whole thing made me feel angry and frustrated with myself. I mean I wasn’t sure but I didn’t think that I was the type to be rescued from things. It would be nice to know for sure though. Most of what I knew about myself was just a gut feeling and I mean how far can you trust intuition? I didn’t even feel like I had a valid argument most of the time. Not that Jackson wanted to spend the few minutes we had alone arguing!
I shared my fears with Dr. Thompson, and then discussed them in-depth with my brother. It seemed strange to me that I wouldn’t have known him if I ran into him on the street and yet we looked very alike. I felt like I could say anything to him. We sat for hours over dinner just talking for the first time on comfortable footing. Maybe it was being alone that made the difference but suddenly all the awkwardness was gone. I laughed in genuine amusement at the stories that he shared about our childhood. I was impressed. It sounded like we were very happy and much-loved children.  I cried when he shared the story of our father’s death and the very deep connection that our parents had shared.
Aaron was a very amusing man. I knew quite suddenly and to my surprise that he was my favorite person on earth. My best friend, my comrade in arms, my other self. It took me awhile and even though the actual memories still eluded me, I realized that I knew this man better than anyone else on earth. I had a ridiculously pleased feeling that I could claim him as my own. Then without warning my happiness was drowned out by a wave of sadness. This was the second person I knew and understood like a second skin and yet my own self was still missing. Then as quickly as the sadness came, it left again. I knew that I was going to find myself and remember. I knew it like I knew how to breathe. I just did.

We talked about everything. Aaron shared the secrets of my past with me and patiently answered a million questions. He even answered the mystery of why my name seemed so strange to me.  It was of course because I was rarely called Alex! I was called Alex by those in my profession, but Lexy by all those who were considered friends. Aaron called me ‘twin’ when we were alone and Lex like mother when we were around others. I was an insurance adjuster and he was a cop. We collaborated on cases that constituted fraud or any other criminal matter. I was well known and liked by the Chief and the rest of the police department. I stayed with Aaron when we worked together otherwise I had a very small ‘cottage’ that I owned and lived in.

Aaron told me what he knew of the case we had been on, the explosion and his injuries. I filled him in on Jackson, my rescue and recovery. Suddenly Aaron took my hand and held it tight. He had tears in his eyes. 

“Lex I am so sorry that this happened to you! It’s entirely my fault. I never should have involved you in this case in the first place. I was supposed to be watching out for you… I…”

My heart was squeezing painfully. “No Aaron. You had no way of knowing that this guy was going to turn out to be truly psychotic. NO! Don’t interrupt. From all that you’ve told me tonight I am your equal in all things. I pride myself on saving your hide as often as you’ve saved mine. We are a team and we work well together. This case doesn’t change that! We both ended up half dead from the sounds of it so we are even.”

Aaron laughed. “Leave it to you to find a way to even the score even with amnesia Lex!”

We sat quietly for a moment. Each of us lost in our own thoughts but then Aaron lifted his head and nailed me with a stare.

“What about this guy Lex? I saw the way you look at him. He’s the one isn’t he? He seems to make you very happy.”

I waited to answer while Aaron poured us another glass of wine. I took a sip and put my glass down.

“Well…” I said carefully. “I was actually going to bring that up. Yes he makes me very happy. Yes I feel like he’s the one and yes he feels the same way. Don’t ask me how I know that I just do. In the short time that we have known each other I have come to know him in the same way that I feel I know you. It’s weird but I feel like I’ve known him my entire life, like I have absorbed him into my being. I don’t think that I have ever felt this way about any one that wasn’t you.”

Aaron was looking at me with a very intense expression on his face and suddenly I felt shy of him.

“What?” I cried.

He chuckled. “This is it Lex. You always told me that it would be this way but I was kind of afraid to believe you. I mean I hoped of course but it seemed a little far-fetched to me. Of course I will have to wait and see if it happens for me but…”

I laughed. “What on earth are you talking about Aaron?” 

He smiled and said, “Well you have been the plague of all my male friends existence. Most of them have been in love with you at least once and a few are on their second and third round. But you steadfastly refused to even go on so much as a casual date with even one of them. You always told me that nothing but a love like mom and dad’s would do for you. There was no point in dating someone to pass the time when it could be passed in real honest living.”

He leaned forward now quite tense. “I want that too Lex. Bad! But part of me didn’t really believe it could happen again. You know? What they had Lex that’s rare. It’s not for everyone. But you believed without doubt Lex and it came true for you didn’t it?” He threw himself back against his chair, tossed off the rest of his glass and barked. “Well Lex you did it! You did it!”  ❤️