The Bond That Binds Us

23: Oh, The Feels

Author's Note:

Hey! For those of you still reading my story, just wanted to say thanks, and sorry for the late update. Sometimes I just enjoy reading more than writing, or feel uninspired to write. But I've regained my inspiration, so here this new chapter is! Hope you enjoy, comment, and vote! Thanks! :)

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"Are you fucking insane?!" I yell, attempting to move my hands to his chest and push him away, "Get away from me!" 

It's no use; his strong hand has mine enveloped in an iron-clad grip. He doesn't move away as I pray he will, so I shut my eyes and turn my head away from his. I have to resist this desire, so strong that in this moment, I want nothing more than Axel to take me totally. Otherwise, I don't know if I'd ever recover from the resulting heartbreak. Because to give myself to him completely, and then be pushed away and discarded as if I don't matter, that wouldn't be something I could handle. Taking deep breaths, I concentrate on something, anything, else than the craving forming deep within me. 

Suddenly, I hear a heavy sigh, and my hands are released, falling limply at my sides. My eyes flutter open to find that Axel is backing away, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes closed. He looks furious, and I think for a moment he's angry with me, but when his eyes flash open and I see the turmoil within them, I know it's directed at himself. 

"Sorry." His voice is so broken, grieving and meaningful that I'm not sure if he's limiting his apology to the way he was overcome by lust. "For everything. For fucking with your feelings, for making you feel like you're a responsibility, for refusing to love you." 

Oh, my. This is a bit hard to swallow... he's apologizing and acknowledging everything?  I don't know what to say just yet, so I remain quiet, hoping he'll continue. And he does. 

"I didn't mean to, er, attack you just now. It's just that the desire was really strong at that moment, or at least I thought it was desire. Now I'm thinking it might've been something else. Anyhow, after you saved the Meeting tonight, which you have no idea how admirable and honorable that was, I can't deny that I do feel something for you. I also can't deny that you truly are made for me, my perfect Luna." 

My heart skips a beat, and hope draws the corners of my lips up into a smile. That something else... could it be love? Still silent, I watch him carefully, observe his eyes to verify his words. And they contain so much truth it's impossible to doubt that his words are genuine. 

"I don't know if it's love, because honestly, I don't know if I can love. But I just can't have you thinking that I'm okay with pushing you away, that you're insignificant to me, and that I feel nothing for you anymore." 

"But what if the way you feel is just the bond?" I ask, even though it breaks my heart to ask. I mean, I'm incredibly attracted to Axel too, but I'd always been confused whether those were my natural feelings or if they were just the ones the bond simulated. 

"As opposed to what?" He questions, raising a brow. 

"As opposed to your natural feelings." I respond. 

"There is no difference between the two. They are the same, Safira." He says firmly. 

I shake my head. "That's not true. They are different. What I feel inherently, and what I feel as a result of the bond, they're two different things. Sometimes the line between them get blurred, but that's a result of my own confusion." 

"No. They aren't." He insists. 

"You're telling me then, that all these feelings I have swirling within me... for you... they're my own? They're not ones bred of the bond?" I wonder, hopeful. Hopeful the answer will be no, that these feelings aren't my own. Because how can I allow myself to feel such a way for someone who'd only cast me aside, someone I know so little about? 

"Yes, they're your own. The bond can only create the pull between us two, but nothing else. Certainly not adoration or admiration." Axel replies. 

"Oh..." I don't know if I can manage to say anything else. I need to take this all in. Axel could be such an unloving jerk sometimes, but I still felt something for him, something strong. And before, it'd been easy to blame it on the bond, to say that if I'd had control of the situation, I wouldn't feel this way. But to know that all along, I have had control, of everything I've felt, of how affected I've been, angered and puzzled me in a way I'd never have imagined. 

"You don't have to say you feel the same, for my sake." Axel responds, disappointment and sorrow filling those piercing eyes of his. They flash gray again, and I'm not sure which emotion is overwhelming him this time. "You don't have to say anything." 

He moves to leave, but I grab his arm. "Axel...I have feelings for you, too." I breathe.

"You don't have to tell me what I want to hear." He shakes his head, obviously disbelieving me. 

"I'm not." And to prove it, to take away any doubts or suspicions either of us have, I pull him to me, run my fingers through his hair, and clasping it gently, put my lips on his. Any hesitation I have dissipates when his arms wrap around me like a vice, and he increases the force and passion of the kiss, pulling me closer, until our bodies are flush against each other. And it's as if every doubt either of us has had, any pain, any confusion, any heartbreak, any worry, any uncertainty, and any guilt is poured into the one kiss and engulfed in the flames of a few feeling, one that certainly overwhelms and casts aside the rest, leaving my head reeling, heart pounding, and breath hitching. How we truly feel is finally unmasked with this simple action, the pressing of our lips against one another. 

I should've been afraid, worried, or expectant that I'd be in pain after this kiss, like I was last time. But, after the confidence given to me by Axel's words, all I feel is hope. And I wouldn't exchange that feeling for anything. 

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ElyssaMelmet, ForellaP, and jlhummingbird, Aneeshaimran, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR VOTING FOR MY CHAPTER!  :) The way you guys do this consistently is so heartwarming, and I honestly can't even... You all are just amazing! <3