Tension (Steve Harrington)

Chap. 50; Dear...

You were the bravest person in the entire world. I mean it. Now I'm looking over at the other bravest person laying in bed mouring the loss of you. Which is only making it harder. When I was in the third grade I remembered everyone was talking about their dad being superman or batman but none of their dads are you. Jim, James Hopper is my batman and whatever else superheroes there are. You have saved me from every demon there has been in our lives.

The monster in me and Sara's closet wasn't there as long as we stood our ground as you thought us. But when we stood I ground and were still on the scared side to went in there and fought them.

You were always there for me as long as I can remember actually. My mom wasn't always. Never seemed like the better word. I always felt a tear between us. It was something you picked up on faster than me. When Sara was born I was only three but I do remember how mad she seemed. I remember thinking how weird it seemed I thought it was supposed to be happy. When she had her I felt an even bigger rip, but her anger seemed like it melted away and she looked happy. But only with her. The rip grew when I grew up I could see her being an amazing mother to Sara and just not me. Again you noticed it and made up for it. You spent so much time with me. Unlike her, it didn't mean you excluded Sara. As bad as it is may be my mom was a monster in my life. One, you protected me from.

Then there was Sara getting sick. Sara needed you to be her superhero. She needed protection. You were that for her you were there every step of the way, but that didn't mean you went there for me. I was just a little girl watching my sister get poked and prodded with no maternal support whatsoever, especially after she was diagnosed and you somehow filled both rules.

The day she finally let go you stood up from me. It didn't even seem like you hesitated. You lost your wife and daughter on the same day because you chose me. In nearly a week you packed up my stuff and moved me back to Hawkins away from her and the resentment. Again being my hero.

Although that is hardly where anything stopped was it? You really tried to make everything better. You brought grandma to live with us for a while. That being one of your best decisions. I know how much you hated living with her again. You loved her but you hated it, but yet again you did it for me. She was my mother more than my mother was my mother. I know that hurt you too, that the woman you married the one you had kids with didn't want them. At least the first one.

That first year in Hawkins was hard, to say the least. You and Grandma did your best. All the things you did amounted to something. Although it was Walt that got me to allow myself to cry to not bottle up my emotions, again you guys did your best. And when I finally did you were my biggest cheerleader. You worked on it so I didn't go back into my shell. Feelings were far from your thing, but when it came to me they were the up most importants.

Finally, we're at the point that we never talk about. We refer back to it but we don't talk about it. Until another thing happens again and you think I'm going to slip back in. This is my letter to you so I'm to talk about it. Grandma dead. That was when I died a little. I know you did too. She was your mother. It hurt that we lost her to cancer too. Although hers was quick and unexpected it was still just as hard. That's well when the shit went down. That's when every day began to feel like judgment day. And I sure as shit wasn't going to those pearly gates.

Every day grew longer, harder, and it felt like there we more an more of them. Pills started filling the table. I know you couldn't help it I didn't blame you. I started smoking. Walt stole it from his uncle and I hardly said no. Just the same with alcohol. For Walt, it was fun us being teenagers. It started that way, I liked it. I like what it did and how it made me feel, or lack thereof. I drank and I drank and I watched you drink. I stayed in bed when I wasn't at school. Eventually, I stopped going. I wasn't at school when I was supposed to be there. I walked along roads or empty parking lots. Then, I couldn't even pretend to go to school. I was bored it was cold. I didn't want to be out there I didn't want to be with anyone at school or anyone in general. I didn't want to be at school or home, with or without anybody. I just didn't want to be.