Mr. Ex

19. Confession

"It look similar to you." He quickly took a step avoiding your fist.

The next ten minutes Jeonghan kept complaining about the taste of the cotton candy being too sweet because throwing it away would be a waste for him. You muffled a laugh every time his face scrunched, exactly what you felt before.

Suddenly a loud cheer can be heard from the center of the carnival area. Not long after that, the strumming of a guitar also ruffled sound of drums follows. Apparently there's a band preparing for their performance. From the way the crowd cheered, you could guess that they were quite famous in Paris. As the two of you walk closer, the crow squeezed you both that you can feel Jeonghan's arm pressing against yours without leaving any gap.

"So this is how carats feel when they watch our concert, huh." Jeonghan said, even reaching out his hand to block the person in front of him from moving backwards again.

"They probably feel worse, to be honest." You confidently said after comparing the audience to Seventeen's concert.

The vocalist made several interactions with the audience once they were ready. You can easily tell which one is a tourist from their dumbfounded faces--just like yours and Jeonghan's.

"She's probably asking about what they had for dinner." Jeonghan came close to your ear and said in a rather loud voice.

"And they might say a chicken burrito." you answered. The joke itself isn't funny but somehow it makes you both laugh.

The guitarist started strumming his guitar, causing the audience to fall silent in an instant. As everyone was immersed in the soft melody, the vocalist started singing lyric after lyric. Each lyric is like a puzzle piece in your mind, one by one connected into a whole paragraph and that's when you realize it's the same song you used to listen a lot when you just broke up with Jeonghan.

It was enchanting to meet you...
...All I know is I was enchanted to meet you

The more you listen to the song, the heavier your chest gets. Your gaze was now on Jeonghan--who didn't realize you were staring at him--as you reminisce about the things that happened in your life within months.

My thoughts will echo your name...
...Until I see you again

Months, years ago, when you had just arrived in LA to find a new life, your heart was calling out to Jeonghan. Every time it calls for him, that was when your scars deepened. He didn't answer, he wasn't there.

You were the broken pieces. And you used those pieces as your stepping stones to make you who you are today.

But then, years later, Fate would like you to meet someone.

These are the words I held back...
...I was enchanted to meet you

To cross paths with your ex again is not the main issue. Realizing that you still love him is. Realizing the love you used and still have for him may not have the same ending.

Please don't be in love with someone else...

Realizing losing him is so much scarier now because you've been there before. Especially if this time you lose him to someone else.

...Please don't have somebody waiting on you

You were too deep in your thoughts that you didn't realize Jeonghan had called you so many times.

"What happened?" He asked, brows raised when he saw your watery eyes.

"Why do we have to meet again?" You answered with another question.

"What do you mean?" Jeonghan asked, now confused. He ignored the other guy who bumped into him when the crowd slowly disband.

"It's just.. I spent years to forget you." You ran your fingers through your half tangled hair, "Then suddenly we met like this again. And I kept asking myself why?"

"I know, I didn't expect to see you again either." Jeonghan avoided eye contact with you for a while. He then mustered up more courage to look you in the eye again.

You nodded, turning your heels to get away from the crowd. Jeonghan followed your steps and you two walked together. It was crowded yet felt quiet at the same time. In your ear, you can only hear his voice and same goes to him.

"It's not like we're going to have a different ending this time, right?" You hugged your body, pressed your lips together when Jeonghan didn't answer.

"I honestly don't think I can just be friends with you." You've added.

"Y/N, I know our past makes things difficult for us, even just to talk." Jeonghan took a step closer to which you responded by taking a step back, "But that also makes me want--I don't know--to pay more attention to you?" He continued, showing even more confusion.

"As a friend?" There is a glimmer of hope buried in your tone.

"As a friend." He repeated and your heart sinks.

You two stop right next to the lake. neither of you said anything for a moment, both of you just stared at the reflection of the light in the serene lake. Seeing still water somehow makes you feel calmer too. The wind blows and you can smell Jeonghan's scent. The desire to bury your face in his chest is too strong that you need to take a step back to see his face.

"The problem is even if you treat me as a friend I wouldn't be able to take it only as a friend, Yoon Jeonghan."

Jeonghan's jaw clenched then unclenched, looking so unsure he couldn't say a word. His brows furrowed showing he was trying hard to at least say something, but he couldn't.

You gently pat your chest to ease up the pent-up emotions, "It's ridiculous how you made me realize that the love I thought was gone, is still here."

Jeonghan was still silent. Deep down he admit that he feel a little relieved after hearing your confession. But was that relief because he wanted to hear it, or because it was him and not another man who heard it? He seek the answer in himself but couldn't find any.

That feeling was also overshadowed by a bigger feeling, namely guilt. He forget that you both now exist in a different world separated by a steep cliff—he's in a world where he feel constrained to even fall in love again.

"I can't put them at risk." Jeonghan finally said.

By them you understand what he meant. It's been a few months since you've known the members and you really hold them dearly too. You wouldn't be surprised if they were so precious to him.

"I wouldn't ask you to put them at risk over anything either."

Jeonghan saw your sincere smile and for the first time in a long time he felt a tightness in his chest. He felt suffocated and helpless.

"Even if it's Rena." You nudged his arm with a more playful gesture.

Jeonghan's lips curled into a half grin and half smile as he nodded in agreement. Next thing you know your face is already buried in his chest. You haven't even fully processed what just happened.

Jeonghan pulled you into his arms. It felt different from the way he hugged you back then, but still warm and comfortable.

"Thanks for loving me enough to let me go." He said half whispering.

"It's all worth it. Losing one and having another twelve wouldn't be such a bad thing, would it?" You pulled away from his arms.

"I still want to be friends with you though." He follow your steps again.

"Not a chance. It's Y/N PD-nim for you."

The love is still there. The hope is buried deep. The pain remains hidden. Yet everything seems more perfect now.