Nobody's Fool Y'all

40

 "Call the cops!" Hadley yelled.

"What with? My phone's back in the cottage," said Maury.

"Mine, too," said Hadley.

"Exactly where do you suggest we carry a phone in these slinky dresses," said Lou Edna.

"What the duck's going on?"

"I don't know, Hadley," said Maury. "Look!"

Maury was pointing at some kind of recessed handle.

"What is that?" she asked.

Lou Edna pulled on the handle and a hole opened in the floor.

"I think it's some kind of secret passage," Lou Edna said.

"A secret passage!" Hadley said. "Wait a minute!"

Amid all the chaos of bodies being punched and men cursing and women screaming, Hadley's hand appeared on the tablecloth. Her fingers groped about the top of the table for a few seconds. When she found what she was seeking, she grasped it, and the candle disappeared under the table.

It was magic. Well, not the real kind. The kind you might pay a quarter for in an old-fashioned road show with barkers and the smell of sawdust and gaudy canvas advertisements.

"Here," she said, "there's no sense going down that dark hole without some light."

"I feel just like Alice, Hadley," Lou Edna said.

"I wonder if the Mad Hatter's down there," Maury said.

"Or the crazy queen who's always demanding heads!" said Lou Edna

"Perish the thought," said Hadley. "I'll go first. Gosh, I wish I had my sneakers. Look at those stairs."

"Do you think they'll hold us?" Maury asked.

"Do you really want to stay here with these gun-shooting crazies?" Hadley asked.

"But what if they were just blanks? You know. To add authenticity and atmosphere to this shindig?" asked Lou Edna.

Just then a young man hit the floor near Maury. He was out cold.

"Atmosphere! The air is too thin for this crowd," said Hadley. "Quit doddering, and come on!"

"I do not dodder, Hadley Pell," Lou Edna said. "Hobble and shuffle and shamble and totter. My dear old daddy dodders, and he is in his nineties!"

"What if this is one of those Jazz Age Murder Parties you're always hearing about?" asked Maury. "They are really popular, you know. I've heard they hand out some pretty good prizes to whoever solves those things. Maybe, we should hang around and try to figure out whodunit. We could hit the jackpot."

"Like what?" asked Lou Edna. "A bucket of bullets. A barrel of oil for our Tommy Gun. A top-of-the-list for the FBI's most wanted."

Someone kicked the table. Hadley saw a size fourteen shoe and a pin-stripe cuff under the tablecloth.

"Maury!" Hadley said. "Stop stonewalling! I'm not trying to be a wurp or throw dishwater on your party. This is serious. We could be injured or killed!"

Someone came crashing down on the table. The legs shuddered but did not break.

"One more boozehound landing on top of this thing is gonna do it in," cried Lou Edna.

"Come on. Let's skedaddle before we're chilled off!"

"I'm with Hadley," said Lou Edna, "Listen to her, Maury. She's the voice of reason. I think these people have been poisoned by bad rotgut! They have gone loco! This is a dangerous situation. I got a hold of some bad shine once. Felt like my guts was sunburned. I was sick for a week. I told Elwin it was just a bad case of the flu, but boy howdy, I never went to that Hoot's no more. That place is a real dive."

"You've been to Hoot's!" Maury said. "You're lucky that stuff didn't kill you!"

Another body jarred the table threatening to send it toppling over. All of a sudden, the three ladies rushed for the dark passageway as quickly as if their panties had been set afire.

"Stop pushing," Hadley said. "And don't forget to close the hatch!"

Maury was the last one on the stairs. She reached up and pulled the little door closed.

"Good girl, Maury. Lord knows, we don't want that bunch of crazies following us down this laundry chute," said Lou Edna.

"Hadley," Maury said, after all three of them landed safely on the dirt floor below, "look at this place. It looks like it's been hand dug."

"I'll say," said Lou Edna, "and from the size of this tunnel, I'd say the tool of choice was a teaspoon. No, I take that back. On second thought, I'd say it was a thimble."

"It is low and tight. But we're all in, girls. Nothing to do but get down on our hands and knees and find out where this thing leads."

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire! Down the road of no return! Straight to hell in a handbasket," said Lou Edna. "Need I say more."

"You've said plenty," Hadley said. "Zip it up, and let's get moving. All that chatter will use up what little fresh oxygen is down here."

"Nonsense," said Lou Edna. "As long as the candle's burning, there's plenty of air."

"Hadley, take that feather off," Maury said. "It's all in my face."

"Sorry," she said, ripping it off and throwing the headdress aside.

"Where the heck are we?" Maury asked. "It's as black as pitch down here."

"The belly of the beast," said Lou Edna. "The pit of . . ."

"Lou," said Hadley.

"Sorry," said Lou Edna.

"If old rumors are correct," said Hadley, "I'd say in the tunnels dug during Prohibition."

"I knew it!" Lou Edna exclaimed. "I just felt it in my garters! We are gonna find a bottle or two of the good stuff or break our necks trying. Aged to perfection in a climate-controlled . . ."

"Will you shut up?" Hadley barked. "It's bad enough that I've got the candlepower of a lightning bug down here, but with all that insane racket you're making, I can't hear myself think."

"It's my nerves," said Lou Edna. "I'd enjoy this adventure a heck of a lot more if I was half-pickled."

"Wouldn't we all," said Hadley.

They proceeded down the tunnel in a single-file line.

"Aunt Patty's petticoats!" Hadley exclaimed.

"What is it?" said Lou Edna. "The only view I got back here is some nice big shadowy ham hocks in shimmy-shakin' sequins. And from the size of the hocks, the trough has been running over, and feedin' time is never-ending."

"If we weren't in such a bad predicament, Lou," Hadley said, "I'd think that was pretty funny."

There was a loud noise behind them.

"What was that?" Maury asked.

"Flippin' fudge! I think we got company," Hadley said.