Nobody's Fool Y'all

39

 "Just look at these cats," Lou Edna said as they entered the restaurant. "They're all doing the Charleston!"

"Oh, my aching feet," Hadley moaned.

"What was that you said about not smokin'?" Lou Edna said.

"It looks like everyone and his brother are smokers," Maury said.

"Lou Edna was right about calling them gaspers," said Hadley. Cough. "This place is hazier than a five-alarm fire!"

"Table for three?" the waiter asked. "Right this way."

"You know, I don't know about this fringe and feather headpiece, Maury," Hadley said. "With all these smokers, I may go up in flames."

"Hokum, Hadley," said Lou Edna. "I wouldn't let you. Nobody's gonna outshine me, tonight. You two order the giggle water. Call me a floor flusher. I don't care. Tonight, I'm gonna find me a drugstore cowboy and cut a rug."

Lou Edna walked toward a tall man in a white shirt and tie, suit coat, wide-cuff and button crotch trousers, and slicked-back hair.

"This party is fantastic," said Maury. "Look at these people. Everything looks so real. Everything feels right, you know. It's so chic, Hadley. Like The Sheik sorta' chic.

Lou Edna disappeared into the chaos of the dancers. She had not been gone quite ten minutes when Maury and Hadley spied her coming back to their table.

"Whoa," said Lou Edna, "I made Eddie the H bring me back over here before I had a heart attack."

"Eddie the H. Isn't that a sort of a strange thing to call your new friend?"

"Well, Hadley, that's what he said his name was. 'Eddie, the Hammer.' Ain't that the cutest nickname. Wonder if he's from Alabama? Hee. Hee."

"About as cute as a migraine," said Hadley.

"Oh, applesauce," said Lou Edna. "It's just a nickname."

"What do you think Elwin would think of Ball Peen the Sledge, right about now?"

"Hadley, lighten up. This gin mill's the real McCoy! Let's get fried. We're only young once."

"Well, Hammerhead looks like he's barely out of his twenties, but you, me, and Maury won't see those numbers again until a hundred and twenty."

Maury took a sip of her drink. She sputtered and choked and had the other two at the table ready to throw a linen napkin over her head.

"What is this stuff?" Maury asked.

Lou Edna took a swig.

"Swamp water and castor oil, I'd say," said Lou Edna.

"Oh, please," said Hadley. "It can't be that bad."

Hadley took a gulp.

"You're right," she said, her eyes watering. "It can't be, but it is."

"Maybe they spent all their kale on get-ups and ran out of clams to pay for the bootleg," said Lou Edna.

"Maybe, they do have a still out back and brewed this homebrew just for us," said Maury. "Or maybe they brewed this bathtub gin in a rusty barrel."

"Well, the sandwiches we ate earlier were divine," said Hadley. "But I see what you mean. This stuff gives new meaning to the words 'rot and gut.'"

"You said it, girl," Lou Edna said. "And I was so looking forward to tying on a good one. In honor of my birthday."

"Looks like you'll be staring at yourself sober in the mirror tomorrow morning," said Maury.

"Another year older in the harsh light of morning," said Lou Edna. "And dry to boot, too! Why it makes me yearn for those home shopping shows."

POW!

BANG!

BANG!

There were screams and yells and in the smoky chaos, all three girls dove under the table.