Nobody's Fool Y'all

21

 They drove in silence for a few minutes.

"Maybe it was a good thing we're running late. You know how slow Lou Edna is when it comes to packing for a trip. She promised me on her mama's good name that she'd be ready," Hadley said.

True to her word, when Hadley pulled up to Lou Edna's trailer, she bounded out the door with her luggage.

"Good thing this car's got a big ole' trunk," said Maury.

"Never let it be said that Lou Edna was one to throw her panties in a paper sack and be on her way," said Hadley.

"Hey, gals!" Lou Edna said. "Oh, Hadley. Show a little class. A paper sack!"

"Hey, Lou," said Maury. "You look great!"

"Thanks. I'm so excited, gals. I ain't done nothing like this in a month 'a Sundays. I can't wait to get on the road. I haven't felt this young since I won twenty dollars off them scratch-off tickets and pulled a three-day bender!"

"Let me give you a hand," Hadley said, opening the gaping trunk and putting Lou Edna's luggage in.

"Oh, wait," said Lou Edna.

"You're not going back for more?" asked Maury.

"My hands were full," she said. "I gotta' lock up."

Lou Edna hopped into the back seat.

"Boy, howdy, Hadley," she said. "You sure do know how to travel in style. Girlfriend, they just don't make 'em like this no more."

"I do love this old car," said Hadley. "I just never knew how much until Harry wasn't here to enjoy her with me."

"I always liked Harry, Hadley," Lou Edna said. "Even if I never figured out why he didn't like you as a blonde bombshell."

"Lou Edna," said Hadley, "can we not talk about that fiasco. It's water under the bridge."

"But girl! That dye job was a work of art. It made you a dead ringer for Marilyn."

"Oh, it did not!

"Did too. Oh, not from the front. From behind, I mean."

"Behind is the operative word," said Hadley. "That is exactly what I looked like – the cow's behind."

"Oh, you did not," said Lou Edna.

"It was a bit brash, Lou," said Maury.

"Brash my trailer park ash! It was wonderful! Spot on. I ain't never seen platinum blonde look so platinum," said Lou Edna.

"You know what they say," said Hadley. "One man's brash is another man's art. But in my case, it wasn't art so much as a blonde disaster that turned green with envy."

"You're right, girlfriend," Lou Edna said. "I ain't never seen blonde turn to green so fast. But it wasn't like I didn't warn you that your hair was going to be over-processed if I tried to rectify the problem with more chemicals."

"Over-processed! Nuked was more like it."

"Lou," Maury said, "I made some redneck lemonade and pickle chips for us to enjoy later."

"You did," said Lou Edna. "I love them things. And you know how I love lemonade. Especially yours! After a glass or two, I won't be mourning growing older, girl! I won't know my name, much less my age!"

"I hope you didn't stub your toe when you added the whiskey, sis," said Hadley.

"'Course not," said Maury.

"Homemade or store-bought lemonade?" asked Lou Edna.

"You know that store-bought lemonade ain't no good. Only hand-squeezed will do. If I'm going to the trouble to make it," said Maury, "I'm going to make it right."

"That's my girl," said Lou Edna. "And don't pay any attention to our designated driver, there. She's the oldest, so she has to act responsible. I, for one, don't mind one bit if you stub your toe or fall over head first when adding the whiskey to the recipe."

"You two sound like Miss Emily and Miss Mamie!" said Hadley.

"Don't we, though," said Lou Edna. "But don't think I'm not coming along empty-handed. I brought us some of the finest deer jerky you'll ever sink your teeth into!"

"Elwin's, I hope," said Maury. "That deputy can make some kinda good jerky."

"Yeah," said Lou Edna. "He gave me some of his latest batch a few days ago."

"Making good jerky is an art, too," said Hadley. "And Elwin makes the best I've ever tasted."

"Wayman and Elwin love to hunt," said Maury. "Bill's always telling me about what they bag."

"Bag is right," said Lou Edna. "Those two wanted me to taste a raccoon they'd marinated in a plastic bag with soda pop and barbecue sauce a while back. From a few of the things they let drop when they thought I wasn't paying attention, I think they took the easy way out."

"What do you mean?" asked Hadley.

"I don't think they went huntin' at all. I think it was fresh road kill."

"Hold it!" Maury said. "You ain't serious."

"Well," said Lou Edna, "I wouldn't swear to it on a stack of Bibles. They may have been funning me, but I'm not so sure they weren't serious. They served it at one of the boys' poker night' out at the lodge. At least, that's what they said. They were all laughs about the whole deal. I'm kinda believin' they really did it because there was so much detail in their story. They baked it and then fried up some bacon to go with it. They said Skeeter and Bryar and Zeke all had seconds! And then Cleon went on to lose his shirt in the card games that night. I told them two deputies if they even came within a mile of the shop with that meat I'd be sure to give them both haircuts on the house they'd never forget! I'd make them think a cue ball had dreadlocks when I got through with both of them!"

"You know," said Hadley, "I can't say I blame you. I know a lot of people like groundhog and goomers, but I just can't seem to cozy up to the idea of eating them."

"Me neither. Possums smile too much for my liking."

"They do have a funny way of grinning, don't they. It would be like eating Uncle Pervis."