Nobody's Fool Y'all

28

 Onus had behaved long enough.

It was one thing to have that bothersome old lady always trying to turn him into a gentleman, but this new intruder was unbearable. The occasional scratch behind the ears and pat on the top of the head was one thing. This new interloper seemed obsessed with massaging and rubbing and petting and playing. He had to teach this alien a real lesson and quickly.

The verdict was still out on the old lady. She fed him well. Still, she got on his nerves. But this one. This one needed to be tamed at once! Onus had more than a few surprises up his sleeve. All it took was a little feline ingenuity and determination. Hah! He grinned happily.

The fact that she snuck out to some hole and ran that delightful sounding contraption at each mealtime, (yes, he could still hear its high-pitched whine, but somehow, because its song was muted, it lost its power to drive him into a delirious state of happiness), was like sand in his saddle. But he was wrong to think she was the worst when it came to these big, tall beings he shared his house with. This one was insufferable.

If that old lady didn't return soon, Onus was certain he was going to be as bald as a cue ball. It was high time, the tabby concluded, to show this stranger who was the boss.

To get himself into shape, Onus did a few minutes of shadow boxing in front of the big mirror whose frame touched the floor. One needed to pump oneself up before the major offensive began.

Beanie walked by with a cookie in his hand.

"Ain't you the purtiest little feller," he said as crumbs spilled from his mouth onto his shirt.

Disgusting, Onus thought.

The tabby quashed the urge to stop boxing and start a licking frenzy. Not that it would help. These tall cats who shared his home were about as dumb as rocks. They never seemed to pick up any of the cleanliness lessons he tried to show them.

"Uh-oh," Beanie muttered. "Look at this mess."

Beanie started the little robotic vacuum cleaner that Hadley kept in the corner. It was a Christmas present from her friend, the one who always smelled of hairspray and perfume and loved to troll the home shopping channels. Whatever that meant.

The little vacuum began to make its way all over the floor.

Irresistible!

Onus had to stop his mirror boxing match. Minor detour. Couldn't be helped. He stealthily timed his pounce and sat atop the little gadget as it zigzagged about the floor like a bee through a patch of pretty flowers.

The little vacuum headed straight for a table leg. Where were its eyes, Onus wondered? Rather than be smacked between his by a two-by-four, the cat wisely hopped off and let the machine do its own thing.

Bump. Bump. Bump and turn.

Three strikes and you're out, buddy.

He had no clue what that meant, either. Just something he'd picked up from the old lady's baseball games on TV. And it sounded good.

Back to the mission.

Just for good measure, and to show that Messy Marvin he meant it, Onus put his best you're in for it now face on and arched his back. His front legs levitated from the floor and he spread his claws as wide as they would stretch. Scary. He walked off on his two hind legs.

But only for a short span. How did they do that all the time? It's murder on the spine! Anyway, it was time to take charge, to go to the dark places of a cat's imagination.

"I'm going out to get the mail," said Beanie. "Don't miss me too much while I'm gone."

Ready. Set. Go!

Wait a minute!

What is this?

The stranger left the lid up on that funny tube thing the old lady was always throwing things into. He couldn't figure it out. Whenever she walked by, she'd press a pedal on the bottom, and the lid popped up with Jack-in-the-box quickness. But by the same token, that lid flopped down with a plop just as fast. What was the deal? Was it some kind of magic trick. Mr. Lid was waving at Onus like a beauty queen in a parade. And nobody is pressing the pedal down!

Beanie had tossed an empty box in Hadley's trash can, but the cardboard was stuck between the lid and the rim of the can. Onus could stand it no longer. He made a beeline straight for the can. Running as fast as he could, he aimed for the center of the slit, hitting the box, and sending it to the bottom of the chute. The lid slammed shut with a loud clang.

A few seconds later, the lid rose slowly. Slowly. Two beady eyes and flat-top fur peeked out. He looked left and then right.

Still outside. The coast is clear.

He dove out of the can and onto the floor. The string on the blinds made a perfect vine to swing . . . good! A potted plant was sent careening to the floor after Onus gave it a full body slam. He was on a counter now. One that the old lady had filled with knickknacks. A paw swipe sent first one thing off the edge and then another. Onus scrambled down. The loud noise he was making was too frightening.

Around the corner and into the bathroom.

That lovely white paper on a roll!

His claws were kneading that stuff into the floor faster than butter melts in a pan on a hot burner. Shreds and pieces floated about him like a ticker tape parade.

Oh, look! How convenient!

One of the bathroom cabinets doors under the sink had been left ajar. Onus dove into the dark cave, careful to kick his hind legs just so. Bottles and jars were flung onto the floor in a chaotic jumble.

Nice.

But all this work was making him very thirsty!

He peered out. Still no interloper. He gracefully slid out of the cabinet and glided onto the toilet seat. The alien had left the lid up.

Big mistake for you!

Onus' head disappeared deep into the bowl.

No matter how much the old lady fussed whenever she caught him like this, nothing would ever convince the tabby that this was not the finest tasting water to ever spring from the bowels of the earth.

Bowels. She's always harping about that word when she caught him in there.

Big Dump Pain.

It always seemed to hit him at the most inopportune times. His head popped up. He looked around. No beady eyes watching.

That was the worst. For some reason, these vertical copycats he shared the house with always like to watch.

Horribly impolite.

Onus wobbled as he tried to situate himself just so on the rim. The porcelain was slick as ice.

"Kitty cat!" Beanie's voice called through the house. "Great goblins! What a mess! You've been a bad boy!"

Onus heard the sound of laughter. Nobody had to tell him that the alien was watching. The cat just knew. He knew.

"I never seen any animal so talented in all my life," Beanie was saying. "I wish I had a camera to take your picture! How did Hadley train you to use the commode? That's a really hard talent."

Onus jumped down with all the indignity of a nun who wakes up in a nudists' camp. He had worked his butt off, and it hadn't seemed to faze this man at all.

Shoot.