Closeted | Boy x Boy

~Sechsundzwanzig~

Jay was sitting in a chair in the office by himself, drumming his fingers anxiously on the side of his face as he stared emptily at the floor, zoning out entirely. He looked anxious, as he chewed on his bottom lip, ripping off shreds of skin in the process.

I stood outside, barely listening to the principal. Jay had asked to see me, and I was going to be allowed to talk with him for a half hour max, and then I was supposed to tell the teachers if he told me anything like why he done it, or if he planned on fighting anyone else. Anything that would jeapordize someone's safety.

I was anxious to get into the room to talk to Jay. It'd been days, and I had to admit that I still missed him. But I wasn't talking to him as a friend anymore, I had to talk to him as a stranger. Or as the person whose heart he had broken.

I took a deep breath and opened the door, shutting it behind me with a click. Jay jolted, and looked up at me. He straightened when I entered, his gaze hopeful and eager when he saw me. "Sunshine?"

"Don't call me that," I said, as coldly as I could muster. I sat down in the chair across from him,  bringing my knees up on the cushion. "Jay."

Jay looked helplessly at me. "Abe, I'm sorry, okay? I know I messed up, and I didn't mean to! I swear I never meant for any of this to go this way. I just wanted to fix this-"

"By beating the shit out of Charlie?"

"No! By- By making things better! I thought that if I hurt Charlie, it would make you happy? But you're not like that, I know, and as soon as I stopped I realized what I had done. I've already apologized to her. I just-" Jay ran his fingers through my hair. "I was- I am upset, Abe. All I wanted was to fix what happened, and I didn't know how to do that so I felt angry. I know I hurt you, and that made me want to hurt myself, and I felt angry I hurt myself, and-"

I jolted. "You hurt yourself?"

"A little. But-"

I sat up. "Jay, what did you do?"

"Nothing, I just-!"

I stood up and walked over to him. It was then that I realized that he was wearing a sweatshirt, something he never did. I knelt down by his chair, and he turned away from me, not meeting his gaze. "Jay, show me your arms."

"No."

I grabbed his hand and pulled, but he was too muscular for me to actually do anything. I fell back. I looked up at Jay, resting my hands on the arm of his chair. "Why? Why would you do something like that?"

"I thought you were mad at me..."

"So?!" I slapped his arm angrily, hot tears pricking my eyes. "That doesn't mean you do something like that you fucking dumbass! That's not okay, no matter what! Jay, why the fuck would you ever think that that's what I wanted? That that's what anyone wanted?"

"You said you wished we had never kissed. That you had never met me. It hurt. I deserved to hurt, so I hurt myself more."

"No, no, no, no, no!" I stood up, grabbing him by the shoulders. I shook him. "Don't you ever do that again! I don't care if we're fighting, or if you're sad, I don't want you to ever even think about doing something like that again. Do you hear me?"

He nodded wordlessly.

I backed up, and sat down in my chair again. "Jay, you're not a bad person for hurting me. Everyone gets hurt, and someone needs to be the one that hurt them. I know you feel bad, but that won't fix anything. I know you feel horrible about it, and I know you feel sorry for it, but it still hurt. It hurt a lot, Jay. For all I knew, everything we experienced, everything we talked about, it was all a lie."

"No-"

"Then why did you leave?!" I blurted. 

Jay winced. "I just- I trusted Charlie. I trusted you. I should've picked you, Abe, I want you to know that. But even thinking about how I hesitated made me feel like I didn't deserve you. I didn't deserve to be the one that helped you in this part of your life. I knew you could do better, so I left. And then... then Oliver showed up, and he's a cool guy I guess, but I was so jealous when you kept hugging him and crying and I knew that even he could be better than I was."

"I chose you, Jay. It isn't up to you, do you understand that? It is not up to you who I choose to let in on this part of my life. I wanted you to help, I trusted you, and you completely shattered that. I handed you my heart, and you dropped it on purpose. And saying sorry won't glue it back together. It might help the wound, but it won't fix it."

Jay ducked his head in sorrow.

I wiped my teary eyes. "I fucking trusted you, do you even understand that? I finally came to terms with being gay, I finally started to accept myself. Do you know why I was scared? Because when people thought I was gay when I was younger, my dad left me. I thought everyone would leave if I came out, and do you know what you did?"

Jay closed his eyes. "I left.."

"You left."

Jay stood up and walked over to me. He grabbed my hands. "Abe, I'm sorry, okay? I just wanted to make you happy, and I never meant to hurt you. I was confused, and upset, and I know that doesn't excuse anything that I did but I just want you to know that I do, Abe. I do care. I care about you so much. More than anything I ever have before. More than social media, more than my fame, and certainly more than Charlie. I love you, Abe."

I blinked back tears. I gripped his hands tightly, and brought one up to my face. I kissed it gently. "I know you do. I may not have before, but I do know now. I loved you too, Jay. But now... now I'm not sure."

Jay looked at me. "You don't have to. We can take it slow. I want you to trust me again, I want you to feel okay with me again. I love you, Abe. I love you, I love you, I love you. I promise I will never, ever do anything like that again. I will always choose you."

I stood up and stood on my tiptoes to reach his face. I cupped his face in my hands and planted a gentle kiss on his forehead. I met his gaze with a smile. "We can try again. I want to be your boyfriend, Jay. I want to love you the way you love me." I kissed him again, this time a quick peck on the lips before pulling away. "I love you, too."