Closeted | Boy x Boy

~Vierundzwanzig~

"I do!" I exclaimed, staring at the recording of him in disbelief. "Ah, fuck, I messed this up so bad. What do I tell Abe?" I asked Marley.

Oliver shrugged and took his phone back. I had heard that he and Abe went on a date, and was busy sulking with Marley when Oliver showed up. He had secretly recorded Abe talking while they were together, as a way of showing me what Abe wanted to say but couldn't, while he did the cute thing when he hid his face in his sweatshirt or behind his hands. 

At first I didn't like Oliver, but he seemed to care about Abe, and he was here trying to help me win him back. I never meant for Abe to think that I didn't care about him, not even that I wanted to choose Charlie. I didn't want to choose between them, but I felt like I had to, and there was no reason why it was a difficult decision. It should've been Abe, it should've always and only been Abe. Charlie shouldn't have even been a second thought, but she was, and not only had she already messed up Abe but now she had messed me up, too. And I still had to pretend to like her or she'd tell everyone that Abe was gay. Only Oliver, Marley, Abe's mom, and I knew the truth. I can't believe I wrecked his trust after he told me something so important.

"I feel awful," I said, chewing on my bottom lip. I wanted to watch the recording again, to hear his voice because at that moment all I wanted to do was be there with him. I wanted to help Abe, but I'd already gone and messed it up horribly. I remembered how I felt coming out. I was young, confused, and helpless in a cruel and unforgiving world. But I began to realize that being gay, and liking boys, didn't define who I was. I could be whoever I wanted, and being gay was just a characteristic of my personality, not my entire being. Abe was new to all of this, and he had trusted me to take care of this secret, to help him understand, and I had shattered him. I was a terrible person. I covered my face with my hands and slumped into a chair. We were at Marley's house, plotting how the fuck I was supposed to make things better with Abe because I knew damn well he wouldn't just up and trust me again and teh fact that I couldn't help him right now made my heart hurt. I was crushed, and so was Abe, and we needed to pick each other's pieces back up to glue them back together but we were seperated and couldn't.

Oliver leaned against the counter, thumbing through his phone. "Abe's really hurt about it. He looked so happy when he saw the photo of you two together, but when he started talking about what had happened he got so upset. He was about to cry, he had to keep wiping his eyes. He's too proud to cry in front of anyone."

I felt sick to my stomach. He had cried in front of me. He'd trusted me enough to see him cry, just a few tears, but he had still entrusted me with it and I let him down. There was nothing I could do to change that night, but I had to try to make it better now. I just needed to know how. I also needed to figure out what to do about Charlie.

"Kick her in the balls!" Marley shouted in my ear.

I jolted. "What?"

"You looked angry, so I figured you were thinking about Charlie," Marley said with a shrug. "So, kick her in the balls!"

"She doesn't have balls, Marley," I said.

Oliver shrugged. "Who knows?"

"Not helping."

"Oops?" He went back to staring at his phone. His brows furrowed. Then his eyes widened slightly. "I'm trying to get Abe to talk right now, and he said that it's his fault for letting Charlie make him believe that Jay liked him. He's pinning the blame on himself now, and some on Charlie. I think he might be over being mad at you?"

I perked up. "Seriously?"

Oliver snapped his fingers. "Get with the program big guy, he's not mad. He's still totally fucking crushed, he's just sad instead of angry with you. It's not going to be fixed overnight. Even if you get him to talk to you again, it's going to take a lot to get him to trust you again. Like a beaten dog. Even if you guys never talked again, now he's going to struggle trusting everyone else."

Marley glared at him. "Ollie! Don't make him feel worse?"

"Who's side are you on?" Ollie exclaimed, standing up. "He needs to understand that he chose fucking Charlie over Abe, and now Abe is obviously fucking heartbroken. Do you know how hard it is to get Abe to like anyone? Much less love? And Abe fucking loved Jay, he just didn't know how to admit it. He's going to sit here and say that he never should've walked out, well he did, and saying he wishes it had gone different isn't actually going to change anything that happened, or what's going to happen. Are we going to sit around talking about it, or are you going to actually go get your fucking boyfriend back?!" Oliver yelled, pointing a finger at me.

Msrley and I looked at each other, dumbfounded. Oliver was really passionate about this, and every word that came out of his mouth was entirely true. He was right, I had chosen Charlie over Abe. Even if I didn't mean to, or even want to, I still technically had. Now I had to choose Abe, and make him believe that this was what I wanted. I didn't care about Charlie with her fake hair extensions and fake lashes. I just wanted Abe. Nothing more, nothing less. Just him and his arms around me and his lips on mine and his laugh and his embarassed blush and the way he hides his face whenever he turns red. His cute freckles and his baggy clothes and his warm body and his hot-headed personality. I wanted it all, and I wanted it all to myself.