Closeted | Boy x Boy

~Elf~

It hurt. My chest hurt when I shoved past Jay in the hall, not even meeting his eyes as I walked right past him and into my next class. He had attempted to say something to me, but I didn't give him the time or the space to do it because I shoulder-checked him and disappeared into my math class, the one period I didn't have with him.

But it didn't stop there. He instantly started texting me, asking if I was okay, if I was mad at him, if this was about our study date, and I ignored them all. I stopped opening then after a little while, but my finger twitched towards it every time I felt a buzz in my pocket. Part of me wanted him to beg again, for him to get on his knees and plead with me to forgive him for whatever it is he's done wrong, but then I started thinking about it the other way around- me on my knees for him, and I had to shut my brain off before I got any further down the rabbit hole. 

I knew I was annoying my math teacher by not paying attention, but it was hard not to be distracted. I made the mistake of looking over my shoulder, and the pure hurt on Jay's face had ripped a hole in my heart. But I forced myself to give him an icy glare, praying he didn't see my lip trembling before I went into the classroom. I couldn't go to English next period, I couldn't face him. Shit. How were we going to do the project together? I should've gotten a new partner form the beginning. I knew Jay was just going to start trouble, I thought, burying my face in my hands. I was so... upset. Not even about Jay but about what Charlie said to me.

She called me boring, she said I had anger issues, she said my mom was a whore. The way Charlie talked about me made me seem like I was a bad person, someone no one would want to be around. Why was I popular if the people who I used to think were my friends hated me so much? I never knew Charlie felt that way, and if she did then maybe so did every other one of the popular kids I hung out with. My head swam with the possibilities. Did nobody actually like me? I looked around the room, at the kids who had their heads bowed over their assignment. They all had their own opinion about me, and I would never know if it was good or bad because they'd probably lie to me if I asked.I covered my face with my hand, staring blankly at the wall in front of me. 

Had everything been a lie? I felt like I should be glad that I knew the truth now, that maybe most people I hung out with had never actually liked me, but instead it made me feel worse. I liked it better before, when I was living a lie. Now I could never go back, and it was all Jay's fault. I didn't even need Charlie threatening me, I'd stay away from him on my own. Stupid Jay. Stupid Jay fucking Salazar.