Closeted | Boy x Boy

~Fünf~

Jill leaned forward at her desk, listening intently as I ranted about how unfair it was that I had to deal with Jay more than I wanted to. First he took my friends, and now he's probably going to take my chance of getting a good grade on this final project. I didn't even want to do it anymore. I'd either make Jay do all the work, or I'd tell him to screw off and get a new partner.

"Well that doesn't seem very nice," Jill pointed out, tying up her shiny red hair into a bun. She wrapped her cardigan tighter around her thin frame and kicked her feet up on the nearby stool. She was always a really good listener, and knew all of the drama that went on at our school. She liked to tell me which teacher was fucking who, and who heard what from where. It was really nice talking shit to her when I couldn't complain to Marley about it. Marley was definitely fed up with all my Jay talk, especially now. She'd left class early, not even waiting for me to catch up. I had to admit that that kind of hurt, and I noticed Jay glaring at her back too as she left. But I wasn't about to relate to him about anything.

"I'll be as mean as I want. I still don't trust him. Have you seen the girls? They're wet in every hole they have for him. Mouth, va-"

"Thanks, I get the picture," she cut me off, scribbling a small note in the margins of her textbook. She was trying to get band lesson schedules down while we talked. She said I was a nice distraction and background noise while she worked, the same way I felt about Jay when I pretended he wasn't Jay and just listened to his voice.

I crossed my arms, slumping down in my chair. "I just don't understand why everyone's started treating me like dirt now that he showed up. It's not that I need everyone to like me, but it doesn't make me a bad person to want them to, right?"

Jill smiled at me, her eyes sparkling over her wire-rimmed glasses. "It's normal for people to want attention. Sometimes its a sign of mental illness," she added, a little more seriously. "Or a trauma reaction. If you didn't get enough love or care as a child, or from a certain person you depended on, then that can make you desperate to make it up from other people."

I frowned. "So you think I'm a psychopath?"

Jill rolled her eyes. "No, sweetie, that's not what I'm saying. You aren't a psychopath, you're just a little touch-starved is all I'm saying. Wanting people to like you is normal, especially at your age. Just wait until you're as old as Mr. Summers, then you won't care what anyone thinks about you."

I frowned, rubbing the back of my neck. "I mean, I don't want to die alone. I want someone to date, and marry, and start a family with- you know? Mr. Summers is just so... sad. I guess it's cool to not give a fuck about anyone, and I'm sure lots of people want that, but I like people liking me. I want to be around people. I just- I guess they'd rather be around Jay."

Jill smiled sympathetically. "I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure they like you better, but Jay is sort of like a fad going on right now. He's new, he's interesting, and since the cool people like him everyone else will too. He can't be that bad. I think you're just jealous."

"Of the attention he's getting?"

Jill nodded. "Perhaps. I'd say there are two different types of jealousy, though. Either you want the attention he's getting for yourself, or you want the attention Jay gives them to yourself. You want him to look and speak to you the same as he does everyone else. You feel excluded, not just by your friends but also by someone that you subconsciously admire."

I wrinkled my nose. "Ew. I couldn't care less about Jay, I care about everyone shunning me just to make him happy."

"Then why do you talk about him all the time?"

"It's hardly talking. More like complaining, and whining," I pointed out.

Jill shrugged. "Either way, I believe that you want one of those two things. Whichever one you think you want is probably the wrong thing. Jay sounds pretty cool, and it sounds like you think that as well. You're making yourself hate him."

I crossed my arms. "I didn't come here for a therapy session, Jill," I retorted.

She shrugged. "Oops. Anyways, I-"

Someone knocked on the door. Jay opened the door and poked his head in. His gaze fell on me, and his eyes lit up. He'd clearly been looking for me. Why?

"Can I help you?" Jill questioned.

Jay dipped his head respectfully. "Right, sorry. I was just looking for Abe. Mr. Summers assigned us to work on the project together, and I need his help getting some things set up. Is it okay if I steal him for a little bit?"

I rose to my feet. "I'm not a fucking object. You can't 'steal' me," I snapped, shoving past him and out of the office.