Six Feet Under

24.

It is week 4 now. Days are just passing by now. Even at school everyone is just talking about graduation and I am just hoping I make it till graduation. I feel almost like a backstabber when I get these thoughts while Bri is sitting in front of me and is talking to me about our graduation. She is so excited for it. She keeps saying we'll go to the same college and we'll move in together. We'll be roommates. I take it all in. I am almost praying we make it to that day. I ask her about Daniel and she immediately brightens up and tells all about it. Their dates and the sleepovers or bunking classes together.

We order one more cup of coffee and keep chatting. I have to be back at bookstore in 10 minutes so we wrap up our conversation and I leave for the bookstore. I can't extend my 20 minutes break. I enter inside and Cal is sitting in a corner reading a book. He looks so good while reading a book. He always has a little frown when he is concentrating too much. Or if he is really into the plot. My heart constricts a bit. What would have happened had I said yes to go out with him? I wish I had the choice but bringing him into my world would mean to drag him down with me and he doesn't deserve that.

I want to reach out to him and hold him and tell him I will go out on as many dates with him as he wants. I will read books with him and I will drink coffee with him. I will discuss pride and prejudice with him but I stop myself. It cannot happen. I cannot put him in pain. I cannot be a burden on him. I cannot burden him with the responsibility of constantly making me happy, checking up on me, hoping he'll see me alive when the sun comes up. He deserves someone who'll make him happy. Someone who can give him something and more in return. I have nothing to offer.

I slowly make my way to my chair and try not to make any sound which will distract him from his reading but-

"How was your coffee break?" He looks up from the book with a warm smile.

"It was good. Bri was with me." I smiled.

"You should totally read this book. I have read it a hundred times and I promise it does not disappoint." He passes me the book and it does look interesting. "Annotate it while you read so that I'll know during my next read what parts thrilled you the most."

"I will surely do that." I nod. I have been trying to be a bit more cheerful and enthusiastic or at least pretend to but something is missing. It feels like ever since I came back home, I have lost something. I feel emptier now. Even now when I wake up, I don't feel sad, just numb. I don't even cry now.

"Hey, is everything okay?" his eyes were soft and were looking at me with concern.

"Yeah, just tired." I half lie.

"I can drop you to your house if you want. You should get some rest." He assessed my face, trying to look for some sort of sign.

"No, no. I am fine. I'll be better tomorrow." I shrug.

"Paige..." He whispers.

"Hmm?"

"It'll be okay."

My heart beats a bit faster.

"Yeah."

"I am here." He breaths.

"I know."

"I..." he stutters, "You can talk to me, always."

I get up from my chair and so does he. I am exhausted, tired and overwhelmed. And he is still here. I don't know for how long will I be so I take a step closer to him and take him in my embrace. I wrap my hands around his neck and hug him. I can feel his heart beating loudly through his chest. He puts his arms across my waist and pulls me closer, burying his face in my shoulder. I want to stay like this forever. I feel safe here. At peace. I am not familiar with those feelings but if there is anything as contentment maybe that is this. I can feel it in this hug.

"There are so many things I want to say to you right now." He whispers.

"Then say it." I breathe.

"No, not right now. Not today. But someday. I promise."