To Let it All go Down in Flames - jegulus/starchaser

Shadows of Loyalty (Reg Pov)

"What are we going to do Leo?" I finally asked my cat like he was going to answer. I think Leo may be the only sane person in my life even though he is a cat not person, but I am going to pretend it counts for peace of mind. Leo just meows in response to my question and rolls over on to his back exposing his belly. Why are cats so fucking adorable? He then starts pawing at my copy of A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy as if he is telling me to read it. I picked it up and turned to the first page even though I got to page 189 the day before, and I decided to read it aloud to him. ""Far Out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun."" i read a small smile creeping up on me and freeing me from my thoughts and in extinction my life.

I eventually finished the book with Leo asleep on his back resting on my lap. I could not get up. What? It is the cat rule when a cat falls asleep you legally cannot move until the cat is awake even though you just realize you forgot to eat that day and that you were very hungry you starve before waking that cat up. I had a cup of coffee it is fine.

That cat was there for 3 hours. Did I get up? No of course not, I am not a psychopath. I did ask Kreacher to bring me a chocolate muffin and a new book and quite enjoyed myself for that time, but the point is I did not move.

Father did come up to talk to me about staying away from Sirius which was extremely odd. He asked me "Could you make an effort to minimize contact with your brother?" his tone was so robotic and lifeless, as he was talking to a business partner not his own son. You see the thing about my parents you see is that when they want you to do something they will phrase it as a choice, but it never is that want you to think of what you are doing as a choice but in reality they just want to say that you made the choice to do something if it back fires.

I was never close to my parents; I wanted them to love me, and I wanted us to be close. But no matter how hard I tried and no matter what I did they never could seem to love me. That is not to say I didn't try. I would always try to get them to love me, and they did not stop for far too long. When I was 10 and sirius was leaving for Hogwarts, I was terrified of him leaving me and he did. So maybe that fucked me up a little.

I felt odd about Sirius running away. I knew I was sad about it obviously but i also was angry really really fucking angary, at Sirius for leaving me alone, at Bella for sighing me up for the dark mark, I was angry at Mother for being my mother, I was angry at everyone. but most of all I was tired. I was so fucking tired but there was no time to rest I had to keep moving. I had to be the perfect Black family heir, I had to be the be flawless Slytherin seeker, I had to hate my brother and stand with the rest of the family, I had to be a death eater. I still don't know if I wanted to do any of it, but I wanted to want it. And I was good at it. Oh, so good at it. Only 3 people ever broke my shell and knew how much I questioned my parents' philosophies; first my brother he was also the first to place that doubt, then there was my first real friend pandora Lestrange who I had yet to had the pleasure to meet, and lastly James Potter but he wouldn't come around for some time.

- 0 -

I got on the platform 9 and ¾ around 10:45 I said goodbye to Kreacher who had dropped me off (not my parents because my mother and father would not be caught dead around so many mud bloods and blood traitors) then after I tried to make my way to my normal compartment. emphasis on tried.

On my way to my compartment, I hear my brother and his band of morons yelling at the top of their lungs. And of course, it is at poor snape. Me and snape are not friends nowhere near such the most I knew about snape were the strain nodded in the hall and the potion recipes that we slipped to each other. But I did hate Sirius (or at least tried to) enough at the time that I really wanted an excuse to throw a curse at him, so out of a fit of rage and stupidity I headed towards the brother who left me for a greater world.