I Hate You . . . I Think

Love and Hate

Low and I, dating? I think my mom has seriously lost it. She has been around enough to know that we do not get along. She has grounded me all the times that I pranked Low and laughed at the times when Low got me back for what I did to her. Some mom she is, picking the enemy’s side over her own flesh and blood.

But then when I think of her words again, my mind switches gears. I think of tonight when that guy was hitting on her. I was so mad, but she calmed me down. She pried my fingers apart and completely relaxed me. I remember her hand holding mine and the way that I felt . . . I have no idea what I felt. She probably saved me from going to jail tonight, and I hate to say it, but I am pretty grateful. 

I panicked when I saw the guy making a move one her that I took my anger out on her in the car. When I was in Vi’s room watching Low as she sat down like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders, I wanted to take all of it away. When she ran her hands over her face, I wanted to take her hands, like she did to me earlier, and help her calm down. I felt so guilty about yelling at her in the car that I apologized. That’s twice within forty-eight hours . . . a new record from my score of zero.

The last thing that I wanted to do was leave. I wanted to stay right there with her and hold her wrist when I grabbed it to keep her from walking away from me. I just wanted to hold her. 

My mom’s voice rings through my ears. ‘There is a fine line between love and hate.’ I know that there is no way that I love Low, but do I really hate her?

I have no fucking clue.

I am in home ec. on Monday morning, trying to stay awake. I barely slept at all last night. I was thinking about what my mom said to me and the last few times that I have spent time with Low. 

I tried spending more time at the shop on Sunday to take my mind off of her. I couldn’t concentrate Though and ended up dropping a wrench on my chest when I was underneath a car. Arty finally sent me home because he was worried that I wasn’t paying attention and was going to screw up on one of the cars or poking my eye out. Even when I went over to family dinner last night I couldn’t stop things from running through my head. My aunt asked if I was okay because I was being so quiet, I just nodded and went back to stuffing my face with her lasagna. What was I supposed to say? ‘No, I am thinking about my cousin’s best friend’s eyes?’ That would not fly over well with Vi.

At least Vi was okay last night. I was a little worried that she might be a wreck for a while after what happened at the party. She acts tough, but it is just a front. My cousin is actually pretty emotional, so when something happens, she has a hard time getting over it. She seemed calm during dinner, but gave me a huge hug when I got there and whispered thank you into my ear as I left. When she pulled back she had tears in her eyes. It crushed me to see my cousin like that, but I was just so happy to see that she was okay.

Now I am sitting in this torture zone of a classroom. I am bored out of my mind until my attention is drawn to my side when Vi tucks back a lock of her blonde and turquoise hair. God, I just want this class to be over. Smelling her vanilla scent all class is killing me.

“Mr. Ryker!” I turn my attention to the front of the room and see that everyone is staring at me. Mrs.E has her arms crossed and is tapping her foot. Her eyes are narrowed at me and I know that I am screwed. “Will you please repeat what I just said.”

What was she talking about? All I was doing was thinking about Low’s hair. I wasn’t actually listening to anything that the old bat had to say.

“Um, pretzels?” I ask.

“Pretzels?”

“Yes, the importance of pretzels in todays society. They are a salty treat for people to enjoy. They are a basic necessity because they require a delicious amount of salt. I personally don’t like them unless they are soft and dipped in cheese, but that is just my own perspective.” I clasp my hands on the top of the table and smile at her like I know what I am talking about. She just sighs and shakes her head.