Rudra-Nandani

35 ~ The Commitment

"I did not like you when I first met you. I took you as all the royal people who are filled with ego, power, attitude, and someone who does not even like landing their sight on the poor, low-class people. But, I had to make you fall for me. As you know, I started spending time with you. I thought I was doing my best in my game. Days kept passing, and almost three months passed. You started liking me, you started talking to me. And, I get to know almost everything about you. Your daily routine of greeting your parents, taking your time for your lessons, and helping maids in their work in the kitchen because you like to cook for your parents and grandparents. You, spending time with the common people, understanding them, listening to them. Never in those three months have you ever made me feel that I was someone different from you. I never felt that. And, the one day when you got late and I was waiting for you. I realised that I was not winning at my game but I was losing. I was losing at my own game,"

I inhaled a sharp breath and she kissed her ear softly.

She inahled deeply and asked.

"Then?"

I feathered my fingers against her naked back lightly and continued.

"That moment I realised that I was not making you fall for me, but I was getting habitual of you. Right at that moment I understood how much your presence around me started mattering to me. And, just like a coward. A coward who could not control his emotions and slowly lose over eight years of his self-control, I ran away,"

She tried to look at me and I felt her fingers touching my bicep.

"You are not a coward,"

I gulped.

"I was, I am and maybe I always will,"

I said and she shook her head.

"No,"

And, I continued.

"I was a coward because I tried to search for a shortcut to win over your Empire. And, then I was a coward because I could control the feelings that I had started developing for you. And, still, I was a coward because even after realising that my heart had started feeling something for you, I ran away. And, once again, I was a coward because I tried to control myself for another two years and burnt myself in the heat, tried to control myself under the depth of rivers, tried to control my pain by hurting myself, tried to conquer my fear by climbing the mountains, tried to lessen my hunger by fasting whole long days. I have done everything, every fucking thing that my master said would help me to control myself, would help me to become a better person, and a better King, help me control my anger, help me control my brain and help me achieve my targets. But, nobody ever told me how to control my memories, how to control my heart which has immense love for my mother, which has immense hate for your parents and which beats for you, Nandani,"

She turned to look at me and moved her hand from my bicep to my cheek.

"You are not coward, you are my King. You always were,"

I shook my head.

"This is not as simple as you think, little wife. I do not know but I was never like this, I was never this impulsive, I was never this possessive, I was never this insecure, I was never this scared, I was never this open, I was never, never like this. I am still trying to control myself, to focus on my goal, my target, to focus to rebuild the Suryagarh and take out people from the three decades of suffering. But, every time I see you I start losing myself, and the more I try to control my emotions, the more they slip through my hands in form of anger, in form of possessiveness, in form of hunger, for you,"

She shivered listening to me and I pulled her even closer. 

"I feel so damn hungry for you, Nandani. You have no idea, you have no idea how insanely I try to control myself around you. You are my death, little wife,"