Obsession

64

Rain.
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Jeongin's favorite time of the day was to look out the window, to look at the sky, the scenery, sometimes the neighbors walking their dogs, cars that drove by. He always used that time to think, a peaceful time to have a conversation with himself up in hid little head. Today it was raining, and he couldn't remember how long ago he last saw the rain, maybe a few months? A year? He didn't know exactly how long, but watching the rain drop to the ground, splashing in puddles, hitting the window. He felt calm, yet envy.

He envied that people always admired when the sky cried, called it pretty, yet sad. But when he cried, or just anyone cried, no one called him or them pretty, they didn't feel sad for them nor him, they only pitied them. Here, he would be called pathetic. He envied that the sky was so brave to show its tears to the people, to share its emotions...he wasn't able to just do that. He couldn't express anger, or a sign of being upset. But the sky could. He wondered if it was because people were able to control other people like puppets, unlike the sky, that seemed to be somewhat predictable but unpredictable at the same time.

Like when the weather forecast said it would be raining, they never mentioned if there was a chance of rainbow showing up due to the sun being visible too.

He wondered about a lot of things. He was still unable to stop thinking about home. Not this home, but home home. He knew deep down, that where he has spend most of his life..so far, would always be his home..the place he would miss, even if none of this happened. He remembered being in elementary school, looking at everyone, judging them to say atleast..maybe in jealousy, cause he always missed home no matter what. He was prone to be home sick as a child, even in his teenage years..even now. So he was jealous that other kids felt content where they were, meanwhile he was the one counting the seconds and minutes to hours, of when he could go home and see his parents, his house, eat the food his mother made.

He couldn't deny that he missed them a lot. He tried to push the feelings away, hoped to forget about them, cause he wanted the men to be happy. They worked hard for him, and he was willing to work hard for them, cause he loved them, he missed them too. But he also loved his family, his job, his house, he missed that too. He was in a conflicted state of his mindset, not knowing where he should permanently settle down. He was afraid of hurting other people.

Even so, he most likely assumed his parents were fine now..he didn't expect for them to cry every night for him, or every day, he wasn't dead after all..or more like yet. But they didn't know that, they didn't know if their precious son was still alive, or that he was in love, happy, yet scared at the same time. He even wondered if his job had hired new people after about 2..was it 3 years? After going missing? Or well, kidnapped.

Did Jane still work there and study here in Korea, going to her school for education? Or did she go back home to where she came from, quitting her job at the cafè, and see her family again? Did she dye hair hair a new color? Did she get a new piercing? He wondered about Chaewon, she was the last person who he knew that saw him for the last time. Did she feel guilty? That she told him to go back home, that he couldn't stay with her that day. Did she get a new boyfriend, a girlfriend maybe? Did she move out of her house, now that she must still be around his age? Did she ever get the dog she dreamed and talked about when they were together? He wondered if his parents could have moved house too, but that hurt to think about. He wanted to visit Busan. But he refused to risk it.

There was a lot he wanted to know..but he wasn't ready for all that information. He wouldn't ever be ready for any information, no he feared it so much. What if the bad news came? Like the banging sound on a door, with police officers behind it, ready to take him and place him back in a normal environment.

He was conflicted.

Between the good and the bad.

The worst part of it all was that he didn't know what was good nor bad anymore. He..was hopeless.

Even if he wished for things to go back to the way they used to be, he still meant he didn't want to go through the chaos of all of that. He just wanted a peaceful ending, his body to be less tense and anxious. He wanted happiness, he wanted the world to forget his face, his name, his reputation. He didn't need peoples pity.

Or maybe he did need them, and just didn't want them.

Want and need was two very different words, yet everyone uses them in similar ways. But those two words would always effect how we looked at things.

Did he need this life.

No.

But did he want it.

Sadly.

Yes.

Chan and Seungmin could bring him so much stuff, if he just listened to them. He was a dog that was playing fetch, and Chan threw it, and he got Seungmin, running back to the other with it, for it to be all repeated again.

With that he meant, that often, one would be grumpy, and the other would be nice, and he would run back and forth between the both of them, choosing to stay with the nice one, because he was scared of the angry one.

And he was sure that he wasn't just the only one of them who knew this.

He was sure they both did too.