undo// 5SOS

28

Michael

The car ride back was silent.

I was feeing pretty frustrated. Not at her, but with myself. Lately I thought I'd been getting the hang of things, and that I was able to make up for being distant in the past. I never realised how much it meant to her when I visited.

Also, it was pretty clear she was embarrassed, for she sat in the back with her head hung, and earphones in.

When we got home, she slipped her shoes off and went to her room, shutting it heavily; I tried to follow, but Cal just shook his head, so I didn't.

"See how she feels tomorrow... if she really doesn't wanna go then you are literally not gonna get her there,"

"She has to try,"

"She's got a lot of anxiety, Mike. We don't have all the time in the world, but she can afford tomorrow off,"

"Maybe,"

"See how she is yeah?"

"I guess,"

"She doesn't wanna disappoint you,"

"I know how anxiety feels, Cal,"

"Not about what she's going through. None of us do... just, try not to get mad, she's clearly struggling with living here,"

"She's fine here,"

"Look, I'd rather we argue than you two argue, so I am just saying, this living situation is not normal, and is very sudden, and she is not coping well with it now the novelty has worn off. We need to figure out a way to help, and if that means giving her some a day off to go through her feelings, then that's that. Hell if she's off tomorrow, I'm off tomorrow,"

"Fine. But she will wanna go to school," I said, heading upstairs, "She will enjoy it,"

"She probably will, after some time. Goodnight, Michael,"

"Night,"

I changed into pyjamas, then got ready for bed and watched tv for a while, expecting Maya to come upstairs and cuddle for a bit. She didn't come though, so I turned the tv off and went to sleep, hoping things resolved in the morning.

They did not.

Calum woke me up in the morning, and chucked deodorant at me as soon as I woke up, opening my curtains.

"She has thrown up. Three times,"

"Why?"

"Because she thinks you're gonna make her go to school and she's got herself in a state,"

"Oh great,"

"Just, go and talk to her,"

I went downstairs and found her sat by the toilet in tears, which got louder when I sat beside her. Her hair was a mess, and her eyes had huge bags underneath.

"Come her,"

She shuffled into my body and I hugged her, feeling myself get tearful. I didn't have experience of this exact situation, but I did hate seeing her go through this like I did. There were times when I was overworked, overstressed, or just felt so lost in the new adult world. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, and seeing it happen to her broke my heart.

"Now, I don't want you making yourself sick like this. That's no good. Tell me what the matter is,"

"School,"

"Okay, what about school?"

"School,"

"It sounded like you had a pretty positive say yesterday!"

"I can't do it again,"

"I think it would be really good to try, I know you really love the idea of using English in your career,"

"I can't,"

"Well you are definitely not going this morning, but what if I could arrange some sort of meeting to properly discuss some extra help at school? So that when you try again, you know you have a safe place to go,"

"They already told me about it,"

"I know, but I want to have a proper discussion,"

"I don't need it,"

"You're really upset though, Maya,"

"I'm upset because I feel a lot of pressure from you, and the teachers, and other people to be a certain kind of friend," she said, sitting up, "And living here is really hard,"

"Well you do not need to feel pressure from me,"

"You put a lot of pressure on me to go to school,"

"I'm sorry," I said, feeling my stomach drop, "I didn't mean to do that... I'm sorry,"

"I know I am being stupid, but this is really hard for me,"

"You're not being stupid,"

She wiped her tears and took a deep breath, checking her phone.

"I don't want you to talk to school again,"

"Are you gonna try, then?"

"On Monday,"

"You promise?"

"Yeah,"

"Okay... would you like to perhaps look into,"-

"Yeah,"

"You don't even know what I was gonna say,"

"Therapy," she said, laying down in my lap, "I'm so fucked up,"

"No you're not. I just know that they could help you better than I could, and I think you went through a lot more than you have let on,"

"I wanna go to my old one. It's like a 20 minute drive, it's between here and home,"

"We can see if that's possible,"

"Thank you,"

I lifted the hair from her neck to cool her down, and gently rubbed her shoulder as she controlled her breathing again.

I could see that not going to school had lifted a huge weight from her shoulder, and suddenly I was worried it was the wrong decision. Admittedly, I had pushed it a bit. But I didn't know what I was doing with any of this, I just assumed that would probably be the right direction to go in.

"I think we should have a few more hours sleep,"

"Yes please,"

"I'll come and cuddle you,"

"Sorry I was sick,"

"I'll properly clean the bathroom later, don't worry,"

"Sorry for getting mad yesterday,"

"It's okay, I think we both misunderstand each other sometimes. Come one, get back in bed,"

I helped her through to her room, then we laid down, Calum stopping by the doorframe, before tucking us in. He asked if she wanted him to stay home but she said no.
Gently, he kissed her head, then shut the door as he left the room again.

After a few moments, she ended up getting upset again, but I comforted her until she fell asleep in my arms, her cheeks red from tears.

I knew I'd have to contact mum or dad again to find her therapists contacts, and I knew I probably had to change things round here to meet the security she needed.

But right now I just tried to sleep too, because otherwise I'd probably be giving mum and dad a very wicked mouthful.