CHAPTER 28
"him"
When you thought it was nothing all this time, it really was something. Bigger than you could imagine because it's been another two weeks and you feel like shit. Everything has been shit. The thing is you know why but you don't want to say it out loud or even think about it.
But it was truly indescribably eating your heart away and you didn't know what to do about it. It's been about three months since you accepted the favour, about two months since you found out the truth and yet why are you so fucking miserable?
Fuck you really miss your mother. She'll probably be shaking her head at you for being so whatever it is the fuck you're feeling. You sit by the rows of benches outside by the completely empty football field. You stare into the distance like you have no life and it really felt like it. You were the only miserable one, maybe you always were. Maybe you thought that you were actually doing well when in fact it's completely far from that.
You don't want to think about him and it's wrong to. He has someone and you don't want to admit it because by admitting feels like it'll make things a billion times worse than you already feel. "FUCK ME!" you shout into the empty distance all you hear is some echo.
At this point you were questioning your life choices. Maybe you should move to another country or university. But you love your friends and already feel in place here so that's not an option. Leaving to another country is scary as fuck so you guess you're stuck here. Why can't you just get over it? Why is it so fucking hard?
You're friends have started to notice your decline in conversation and everything in general. You look like shit. All you wore was your oversized shirt and baggy jeans. Nothing was wrong with that but you usually would have fun dressing up.
"FUCKING SHIT!" you slam your hand on the bench. You've definitely reached your limit to the point you're going to break. You can't do it anymore. You just can't. You didn't want to face the shock of Yumi or Jungkook's reaction. So you call the one person you feel comfortable in confiding to right now.
"Jia? You good? I saw your text, what brings you all the way out here?" Yoongi jogs down to your bench and sits besides you.
His expression softens at your upset face. "Nothing I just need some company right now," you huff and then giving a big fat sigh.
"More like you need someone to talk to," Yoongi replies and you could hear his sarcasm but at the same time it wasn't. It was facts. You did need someone to talk to.
"It's okay take your time, no rush strawberry head," Yoongi says and it made you chuckle a bit.
You had probably sat there in silence for a good thirty minutes and Yoongi was patient as fuck.
Soon you shouted, "FUCK FUCK FUCK!" as your closed fists slam the bench which somehow did not startle Yoongi one bit.
"Let it out Jia," Yoongi encourages.
"I want this feeling out of my chest!!!" you tangle your hands in your hair in frustration.
"What's wrong Jia?" Yoongi asks worriedly.
"Fucking hell!" you grab your hair messily and burry your head in your arms.
Yoongi waits patiently not wanting to rush you. He's not quite sure how to handle a pissed, crying and angry Jia.
"It's just.. fuck I don't wanna say it," you sigh in annoyance.
"It's just.. Ugh.. I like him," you say mumbled still buried into your arms.
"Who? Jimin?" Yoongi asks confused and you nod your head.
"You still like Jimin after you broke up?" Yoongi asks and you hate how he reinforced that after trying so hard to forget him.
"No," you say.
"No?" Yoongi says confused.
"Fuck. It's just.. I um- I never liked him in the first place," you say sighing.
"Sorry I don't quite understand. You never liked Jimin while you were dating?" Yoongi scrunches his face in more confusion.
"Well yeah kinda.. we we're actually just fake dating all along," you say turn to see Yoongi with wide eyes in realisation.
"So you fake dated and ended up liking him.. huh," Yoongi says to himself trying to match the pieces together.
"Is that why you fake dated to get truth out of Yerin?.. But how did you even end up in that situation with Jimin" Yoongi adds.
So finally for the first fucking time, you tell someone either than Jimin what actually happened. It was like the weight lifted off your fucking shoulders. You did it Jia, you finally admitted it and you're not sure what to make of it now. Guess the new challenge is to move on now.
"Damn Jia. That's some messed up shit," Yoongi chuckles.
"Yeah you don't need to remind me," you say rolling your eyes.
"So this is why you've been looking shit for the past few weeks, I see," Yoongi says but also to himself while he nods his head.
"Wow I love your honesty," you snort.
"So are you gonna tell the rest of them?" Yoongi asks.
"Yeah I will eventually. Until I'm over him. I kinda don't wanna admit it again, it hurts my fucking ears," you say and Yoongi laughs.
"You're weird sometimes you know?" Yoongi says and you shrug your shoulders.
"Okay I respect your choices to keep them for now but you gotta tell them okay? Especially Yumi, she'll beat the shit outta me since you told me first," Yoongi shakes his head in worry with that thought.
"Thanks mint cho, I appreciate you a lot."
"Any time, strawberry head."
"I still can't believe you fake dated though," Yoongi suddenly adds and you punch him in the shoulder.
"Shut up!"
"Okay okay chill. Zip!" Yoongi laughs at your frowning face and zips his lips.
No matter where you are or no matter how many times you choose to ignore it, he's always there. He's fucking everywhere. You can't deny it no more because you have finally chosen to admit it and come to terms with it. And the hardest challenge is yet to come and it was to get over him. It's ironic how you like him but at the same time you feel absolutely miserable because of him.
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