The Wide Wide Ocean

Chapter 64

Evie drove my car away, wanting to get ready for the next day. And I wanted to spend time with my mom, knowing I had not paid her as much attention as I wanted to. And she loved surprises.

I walked into the house, calling my mom's name. No response. Perhaps she was upstairs.

As I walked up the stairs, I heard hushed voices and as I got closer to mom's room I heard him:

You cannot separate us, my father was hissing.

That is not what I am doing, Garette. I am only saying it is not appropriate to take her on Bahamas in the middle of the semester!

You know how hard she works, you know she needs a break. You simply don't want her to go with me and Emma.

As if I could be jealous of that girl, my mom said on a whim.

Don't talk about her like that!

I will talk about whomever however I like!

And then my father's voice boomed, making me flinch:

You have always been like this! Always vindictive, jealous and petty! You can't look past your own ego and see the good in people, Violet!

That wasn't true. Mom was fierce and strong and loving.

And what about you?! Coward, thinking you are all that clever and virtuous!

That wasn't true. My dad has always tried his best to be good. He never pretended anything.

See! I told you it wasn't about pulling her out in the middle of the semester! You don't even care, I respected you enough to ask!

And I am supposed to thank you for that? Now, listen...

Perhaps my dad did listen. But I didn't bother.I ran out of the house and called Owen.



Are you alright, Owen asked. 

No, I told him.

We drove to Houston and the dinner Owen had bought us on the way was slowly getting cold in my lap.

I've always admired my parent's love, I told him.

He stayed silent.

And then suddenly one day... they separated. And I did not know what to do with myself. They were separating. Not us. But when they fell apart... everything changed. And I blame myself for feeling that way when it has nothing to do with me.

Even if that were true... you cannot control what affects your feelings and you certainly cannot punish yourself for it. No matter what you feel, you should consider it just as important as your very self, Owen said.

Can I ask you something?

Now, what would you do if I said no?

What is love to you?

Owen paused, leaning back as if to say, I am thinking.

Absence of pain in one's presence.

What is love without pain? Isn't it just a dream? I don't want my love to be just a dream.

I have a feeling your love is a nightmare, M.

He wasn't wrong.

Have I ever told you, what happened to Evie's mom?

I don't think it's your place to share.

Evie does not hide it. She would hate it if I did.

Owen was silent.

When Evie was seven years old, her mom got cancer. Her dad was very much in love with her and had crumbled under the news. There was nothing they could do. Not even make her days comfortable. Evie witnessed her mom dying and her dad's multiple breakdowns in that hospital. He attacked nurses, cried and begged in the middle of hallways. And Evie was there all along. Watching as he was driven crazy. And one day, when her dad was unconscious after his breakdown... Evie was left alone with her mom... She was in a lot of pain and morphine did not help. And when she wheezed next to her only daughter... she told her that if she opens up the IV carefully, just a bit, cutting it open just a bit... She will get rid of her pain. I don't think she expected Evie to know what that meant. But she knew. She knew. And she did it anyways. From that day... her dad became numb, and everything changed. Even Evie. She never told her dad. Not even Ryan. She tells people who she knows will understand... and unfortunately, we have met little people who do.

Owen was silent in stunned quiet.

Sometimes I blame myself for perhaps not praying enough, for perhaps not looking at other people to know... And I know she does too. But much more.

What happened to Mrs Hernandez isn't your fault. You didn't even know Evie then.

My goods are hers and her sins are mine, Owen.

It wasn't her fault either, M.

Yes, it was. But it does not mean it wasn't right, Owen.

At first... I thought your love is strangely dark and messy but now... I do envy you. And pity you. You do love her that much.

I did not bother to answer when we both knew what it would be.



Mrs Hernandez grave was glistening with tidiness. We knew Mr Hernandez woke up every day at four to visit her and came back to pretend to be asleep till six. Evie picked every flower in the shop they had. All kinds of flowers, not matching with each other but beautiful, nevertheless. She laid them next to others, hers colourful and true. Other flowers were shallow and pretty. But graves were not supposed to be pretty. Evie knew. I knew. But neither of us said it.

Hello, mom, Evie said.



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