The Good Enough Friend (YA)

Chapter 7 - July 31, 2019 [✔️]

I wasn't able to pinpoint what fueled my fear of being different without deep contemplation. It started in middle school when Jacinda made the girls turn on me because I liked digging up worms. None of them wanted to be my friend or talk to me after that. Science was supposed to be a boy thing, playing with mud was for boys, and all of that middle school nonsense.

Worst of all, Zeriah informed me that I had missed out on crucial girl friendships and bonding at that age. Without Wyatt, I wouldn't have survived middle school. I love him to pieces but there are things that only another girl would understand.

Being different was like being contaminated.

It was this pride month when someone asked me if I was asexual. I saw this label as another way of dividing me from the rest when I wanted to be the rest badly. I didn't try to understand what it meant. I rejected it.

Recently, I was confused about my feelings for Milo. How did they differ from the way I would feel about a friend? And if they didn't, I was putting myself through the ringer for nothing.

I shook my head.

I didn't get the urge to kiss him or more. I didn't fantasize about him railing me. It was baffling. If I didn't feel those things, then did I even like him? What did it mean to like someone without sexual attraction?

The conversation was long overdue. Who better to ask than the resident woke, feminist, SJW, Zeriah Denholm?

"Earth to Zay!!!"

I blinked. Zeriah was flailing her arms.

"I'm listening. I am," I moved the bean bag I was sitting on closer to her king sized bed. She leaned over the edge to peer down at me. Like a pastor to a congregation.

She read an article off of her tablet, "Sex repulsed is the repulsion of yourself in a sexual situation. Sex negative is the aversion to sex in a general sense."

"It doesn't matter to me if other people have sex."

"On your birthday, you complained about Tammy and Griffin fucking for hours."

I hopped up, "TAMMY!!!!"

"GRIFFIN!!" I kicked her bean bag.

"Leave my Kyoya beanbag alone!!" She wagged a finger at me.

"It's Tawn-yi and Griss-om."

"You badmouthed that director all the way home."

"The author dedicated an entire page describing how nervous they were to even hold hands. It was sweet,"  I pushed her, making room for myself at the foot of her king sized bed.

"Do they have sex in the book?"

"Yes but—" I patted the top of my head. Toya was always booked and Sunday couldn't come soon enough.

"Then what is it?"

"It was 'fade to black'."

"Ohhh, you're not bothered by the sex but the fact that the scene in the movie was gratuitous."

"Gratuitous? Was that a SAT word?"

"Uncalled for, unnecessary," she twisted her friendship bracelets on her left wrist, "Don't talk about the SATs,"

"Why would they do that? Why would they lose the message of the book for a 20 minute sex scene?" My head hurt thinking about it.

She rubbed her chin, "Sex sells."

This was one of those rare weeks where Zeriah and I were on good terms. Her sudden interest in being an activist spread from women's rights issues to LGBTQIA+ issues. I wasn't one to speculate but for a straight young woman she knew too much about queer people.

"How am I supposed to date someone if I never want to have sex? Sex is this integral thing to relationships and I don't want it. Who's going to date someone that won't for lack of better words put out?" These hidden frustrations bubbled at the surface.

Claiming asexuality meant accepting that my dating pool shrunk exponentially. I wasn't too concerned about dating now but in university and onwards, it would be something that would hold me back.

Wouldn't it? Zeriah said the current state of mass media was obsessed with sex. That leaked out of screens and dripped onto everyday people.

She kissed her teeth, "I'm not an expert on asexuality. The information is out there, you have to be willing to look. But...I'm glad you came to me about it."

"Thank you, Dr. Denholm," I said.

"I know this is a lot, it's a lot for anyone," she squeezed my shoulder, "damn you're buff."

"Never skip arm day," I did a gym bro voice.

We existed in silence for a while. A plethora of a terminology pushed me into more boxes. Added more labels. Labels were harmful.

She turned on her side, "You can talk to me about anything, you know that. I'm tired of barely scratching the surface. The 'it's windy today', 'how many pull-ups did you do', 'have you tried this keto yogurt' bullshit.

"Zay, I want our family to be a family that talks about stuff. Stuff that matters to us. If we can't communicate with each other, how can we expect to communicate with others outside of this house?"

I puffed the air out of my cheeks.

She was on a mission to fix this family. I, for one, would not stand in her way. Had Mom and Dad been the affectionate and caring type of parents, would I not be as fucked up as I am? Would their love have given me the courage to stand up to middle school bullies?

I'll never fucking know.

What do you think about asexuality?

Do you understand Zayde a little more?

What do you think about Zeriah?

General thoughts?