The night always gets the best of me. I tried my best during the day to fight the urge not to remember you. I tried plenty. I did edibles, I smoked my lungs out, I ate like a pig, I slept and slept as though I'm on my deathbed but still, whenever the night comes, it's as though all the brick walls that I built fell down the Earth. Shattering with every piece of hope that I have.
The night brings such dread and gloom all over my room. Maybe it's because it's dark outside. Maybe it's because it's quiet. Or maybe because your ghost still haunt this very mind of mine.
Upon an unfortunate night, I stumbled across our old book. Accompanied by a polaroid holder, I opened them. I saw how our smiles, my smile, felt genuine. I was happy with you, at that time, it really was the world against us. At that time, I did fight my loneliness, we, we fought.
The polaroids are just pictures however, they echo of the memories of us. Your laugh, your scent, your whispers felt ever so close. My mind becomes an unease sea, the waves of my longing for you crashes the tide. My aching heart trembles. I however, can't throw them away. The feeling of guilt once I did if I ever threw them away will haunt me even more.
And so I stared at these pictures, no point of me to wonder what I could've changed. I just sat beside my bed, getting lost with these voices in my head, blaming, cursing, accusing me of being coward, vile and stupid.
I tried to shut them up but it's just the same as pouring gasoline in a burning house. So I just lay quietly, hoping sooner or later, the voices would just go away.
I convince myself that you're happier, that you deserved the love that you had always longed for, that you are right where you were meant to be. I should reconcile with reality and fate. That we are just meant to meet and not to be.
Some days, it's easier, and some, are ever so hard. And so as my last desperate attempt to let you go, I gave the pictures we took one last goodbye and set them off to the sea. May the waves wash them away to a reality where we stayed together.
And so, did my feelings and memories of us, of you. Washed away by the salty waters and the crashing waves. And I begin another journey, hoping this time, I would be more wiser, I would be more cautious, I would be more lovable.
