His Darkness (bxb)

chapter thirty-nine

i'm not worried about where you are

or who you will go home to

i'm just thinking about you

━━━✦❘༻༺❘✦━━━

The next day, Mom and Mike insisted we go out to celebrate the good news and I couldn't say no; I don't think I even wanted to. We wore our best suits and had dinner at a Michelin star restaurant a few towns over.

The next few days were spent mostly at home, working on assignments. Mike insisted I drop by my old school's swim practice at least once. I thought I might as well get a session in, so I agreed. Needless to say, barely any of the set that Stan sent me got done; instead, Mike introduced me to the team and bragged about how he trained a national swimmer (even if it was only for a year). Naturally, I was bombarded with questions - does training get harder, do they give you free merch, am I going to the Olympics, are all my hotels and flights paid for, have I met Joshua Liendo or Penny Oleksiak? After answering them all and giving a 'motivational talk' my best shot, Mike used me for demonstrations for the rest of the session.

I've grown quite used to Mike's presence around the house. He's great with my sisters and has become one of Mom's closest friends. He knows where the line is and doesn't even near it, which I respect him for. Lately though, he hasn't been around as much which I'm sure was a request my mother made for my sake. I don't necessarily have the best history with my mother's boyfriends - God knows what I'll be like on the twenty-ninth of February.

Inevitably, the day comes. I put on my best suit again, but for an entirely different reason. I get deja vu as I help my twin sisters into their dresses and squeeze my mother into a tight hug when they're out of the room. She pulls away and nods as she smiles reassuringly before we leave the house.

The drive to the cemetery is quiet, uneventful. I stare out the window as we drive by familiar houses - old teammates, friends, project partners, Jake. Soon, we're stood in front of Benjamin Beckett's grave, the words 'Gone Too Soon' staring back at me - isn't every loss too soon? I tell my father I love him before we walk back to the car.

"I need to show you something when we're back home," Mom says as we get back into the car. "Remind me."

"Okay," I whisper, still overwhelmed with emotion. I brush my curls out of my face before leaning my head against the window again. This year was definitely much easier than the last - it's clear on everyone's face - but there's still that bitter reminder that he could have been here with us today if things had gone differently. If he didn't choose to take his own life.

"A few people are coming over later," Mom says, keeping her eyes on the road and I nod absentmindedly. She waits till we're at a red light before adding, "Charlotte will be there." Instantly, I sit up. "Is that going to be okay?"

It's quiet for a while before I say, "I don't know... Do I have to talk about him?"

She raises her brows as the light goes green again. "I assume she has some questions. She's really worried about him."

I don't know how to respond to that, so I say nothing at all.

"He hasn't visited since he left. Not even for the Christmas break-"

"I know, Mom," I snap. She glances at me worriedly out of the corner of her eye. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to talk about him if you don't want to. You know Charlotte won't force you to, either."

"I know," I mumble, brushing curls out of my face. I groan as Mom reaches out to ruffle my hair.

"About time for a haircut, don't you think?"