Two Souls, Many Storms

Acceptance is hell.

I am floored by what I said but I stand by it. After I left Shannon I needed some time to chill and feel what I felt and give it a name. I seen her with her family and do her art. Not only on people but she did casts of hands and baby feet. She loved what she did but me? I don't love what I do and have not for a good solid year but I cant change my career because I don't know what I want to do. 

I can tell what I don't want to do and have been keeping a list but how in the hell am I going to try to build a life with Shannon and tell her I love her everyday if I don't exactly love myself. Its not cool. Its selfish and I tried to explain that to her but she got pissed and I understand that. 

We spent an amazing weekend together. Then I left and started thinking about how happy she was doing her own thing and I know I have not found that and I did not want to drag her down and I know this sounds like shit and an excuse but its my truth. Its how I feel. 

She asks me to not contact her again till I figure out exactly what I want because she knows what she wants. I read it and tell her I love her and she tells me I have "a fucking great way of showing it". 

I must accept how she feels but it does not mean her words don't cut. I brush my tears away and pull down my sleeve to cover her lips. I get what I deserve but I also deserve to know who I am. Yes i should have thought of that before I got with her but I never planned on being with anyone so I never had to think about it. 

The miles add up quickly and I don't talk to Shannon because I give her what she asks for but I do talk to Rowdy and I know she is okay but nothing more. Rowdy has made it clear she will be friends with me but will not betray her comrade. Just another thing I have to accept. 

I break my own rule to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving and it goes on read. Same for Christmas. I wish I could tell you that I am closer to finding me but I'm not. My list of what I don't like has grown and I have a note book of everything I have tried and liked or not liked. 

I have volunteered as often as I can. At a shelter for kids in DC, doing clean up after a tornado in Kansas, I cooked at a soup kitchen for Christmas and Thanksgiving, I spent new years in a animal shelter calming those that did not deal well with the fireworks. That's when I felt whole. When I was giving to others not only of my time but of items needed. 

But how in the hell do I make that a real paying job? Not that I want to make millions but I want to make enough to not have to live off someone else. Its just not who I am. I have training and would love to get more. I would love to help in as many ways as I can. Every course I can take online I do. Knowledge is power and I want to master it all.

I talk to Rowdy about what I wish and she tells me that the next time I see a shooting star I should send out my dreams on it and pray. So I do. As I wait for my miracle job to appear like a genie in Aladdin I continue to drive. 

On the year anniversary of the hurricane hitting I find myself in Florida and ask Rowdy to meet up for dinner. I am told to meet her at the club at six and no Shannon wont be there. She is on a long ride to do something with another charter. 

Arriving on time and using my Key card and pin for the first time is melancholy. I always pictured it would be different but its not meant to be I suppose. I walk in the side door and head towards the office. I am greeted by so many people. I see some former prospects now rocking a full patch, I am introduced to new prospects and am hugged more times then I can count.

The place feels so different. Like I am walking into a grave yard and that's on me. I let the feeling sit on my chest like a heavy brick. I did this I tell myself.  Rowdy comes to the door of her office and motions me in then closes the door. 

I shake hands with the new Vice president and Mac who I remember but has a new title of Secretary. Rowdy sits behind her desk and tells me she has a proposition for me. Now I know why we are meeting here. Club business stays in the club and I respect it. 

She tells me the national cabinet has been looking for someone to fill a specific need. Being as the basis of Heavens Misfits is to help where needed boots on ground as soon as possible. Organizing events and responding to disasters charter by charter was not working for them. They needed someone to do it on a national level. 

I nodded but am so confused by why I am being told about this. Rowdy must have seen the confusion on my face. "Tally its you we want. I know you can organize things better then anyone I know, your heart is in volunteering, your a bit ocd, your connections with companies around the country and globe is a major plus and its a paid position" 

"Okay then. Can I think about it?" I ask her. 

"Sure but there is a few things you need to know." She tells me then passes a envelope towards me that I put in my pocket. I am given a tour of the new things in the club house. A new kitchen with one wall that opens to the new patio. A new playground and pool for the kids and adult kids. The upstairs now has more rooms and bigger bathrooms. I pass by Shannon's room and cant help myself to not touch the handle to her door. Part of me dies inside at the coldness of the handle, it matches my heart.