Something blossoming

Chapter 33: Stupid

This chapter contains: abuse, self hate, self harm and an abusive relationship. Please do not read if any of this may trigger you🤍

I spent the whole week avoiding my reflection. I cut down on my food, hoping that if I lost weight maybe Lars wouldn't need the model. Maybe I could fulfill all his needs.

Lars didn't come today. But he sent a text to a guard it read

Something came up. Be good. -x Lars

He's so busy. I can't be mad he's working for me, for us. He saved me. He loves me even though I'm ugly.

But I couldn't help how lonely I felt. He was the only person I had. None of the guards would reply when I tried to get to know them, and I know they didn't like me. They told me. They reminded me often of how ugly I was. How stupid I was.

But I knew that. It was the truth I can't be mad. Lars loved me anyway. And I love him too.

~~~~~~

The following week Lars didn't show again. But this time he didn't send a text. When I had asked if there was any word, or if I could call him I was slapped. I forgot I'm not allowed to talk to the guards. Stupid.

I can't blame Lars for not coming. He probably needed a break from me, I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to have a girlfriend so dumb she kept fucking up. Not to mention I'm sure my face is hard to look at.

I wouldn't know though I still haven't looked in the mirror. But I was able to lose 10lbs in two weeks. When Lars comes He'll be so happy and proud.

I couldn't help but be upset at myself. If I wasn't so stupid and ugly I could be with Lars in the real world. Why did I have to be like this? So worthless.

Stupid

Ugly

Worthless

I didn't deserve Lars. I didn't deserve love.

Overwhelmed with emotion, tears of self-hate running down my face I ran to my bathroom. I took apart my razor and grabbed a blade.

Am I going to do this?

I heard once it helped people feel better. Not to mention, I needed to be punished. I didn't deserve Lars and he was too sweet to punish me, so I'll do it for him. He deserves better.

I looked up into the mirror for the first time in weeks. I nearly vomited at the sight.

Dull dead eyes, big purple bags. Dead hair. And so much fat. How could I lose 10lbs and still be so ginormous?

I was going to do this. I need to punish myself for burdening Lars.

I swept the blade across my wrist with ease. At first, it stung, but a second later blood started to pool out.

I felt a wave of justice, I was proud of myself. This is what I need. Maybe It'll make me better.

I sliced again.

After my third time, I dropped the razor on the sink and sat on the bathroom floor.

Exhaustion overtook me. Being such a mess took alot out of me.

I closed my eyes and hoped tomorrow I could be better.

When I awoke I was in a pool of my blood. My arm stung like a bitch. Of course, no one came to check on me but I didn't deserve their kindness anyway.

Stupid

Ugly

Worthless.

I cleaned myself and the floor up. Wrapped my bandages and tried to start my day.

Extra quiet, extra small. I made sure to wear my hood so the guards didn't have to look at my ugly face. I practiced recipes for Lars. If I can't be pretty or smart maybe I can be a good cook.

I'm scared one day he'll wake up and realize I'm not worth the love, just like everyone else.