Deviant

seven

~ Can I? ~

Your pov

"I thought you got tired of me." I finally said the words that haunted me from the moment he left.

"Why would I get tired of you? It's impossible." Jungkook rolled his eyes like I just said the stupidest thing ever.

"I wouldn't have begged you to sedate me if I thought of you as boring or annoying. I knew very well what that implied. When I said that I don't want to wake up, I meant it for the rest of my life. Do you think that I didn't know what I was saying? I didn't ask you that because it happened to be you, but because it was YOU."

"I put myself entirely in your hands. Why do you think I did that? Do you think I would have asked this kind of thing from a random person? Do you think I would give my trust to just anyone? You should know better that it's not the case when it comes to me. And it's not only that... I... "

He stopped and bit his lip instead. Then he took a deep breath before pulling me once again in his arms.

I was happy. I knew he trusted me. I knew how he felt. But I guess I was scared that everything changed with time. Him saying all of this now, gave me a little confidence in myself. I needed these words coming from him. How did he know what to say? It's like he knew me so well but at the same time, he didn't. Maybe because he, as well, is full of insecurities.

I smiled. I loved the way he was burying his face into my neck. I loved how he was holding me like he still needed me. I loved his scent. I guess I will never get tired of him. Of taking care of him. He was like a drug. I needed him to need me. Only me. So, yeah, in a way I was selfish. If he would know, I don't think he would still like my presence.

"Even if you knew that you would hear me? I talked so much. About everything and nothing. About so many stupid and unimportant things. You had no other choice but to listen to my mumbling... "

"Y/N stop. " Jungkook laughed sweetly as he took my cheeks into his hands. So warm. Only this was enough to make my heart tremble. And his eyes. Oh god, I couldn't stop looking into them. How can he have such penetrating eyes and full of emotions? I could see everything in them. I could see how much he suffered. I could see that same immense fear. Its presence was permanently there enveloping him. But as well, there was warmth and... Light. Something new. Something I had never seen before.

Since when has it been there? Should I hope?

"It wasn't the first time being in that condition. Maybe my mind was cloudy but somehow, I was always aware of my surroundings. I have never disappeared. Not entirely. A part of me was still there, even when they were the ones living in my place.
If I was ready to give up on my life, don't you think that a life with you would be much, much better?"

"Plus, we didn't even have our time together. Because of me, because of my fears, because of my cowardice, we didn't even have the chance to know each other. How much time did we have?  A few days?
How much did we actually talk? A few hours?
I can even count those moments we shared together. But these years, more exactly two, I come to know you a little thanks to that 'mumbling' of yours. There wasn't a second wishing to be somewhere else but in your arms. Is this clear enough for you? I will never get tired of listening to what you have to say."

I covered his hands which were still on my cheeks with mine and held him tightly.
"So... This means that you will not run away? No matter what would I say?  No matter what would I do? You will stay?"

"I am scared Y/N. Thinking of what might happen to you because of me..."

"It's my choice. You can't do things your way without asking me first. You have no idea what's better for me or not. So, stop what are you doing. Stop trying to protect me. Stop pushing me away. I want to be here. If I could not see you anymore for the rest of my life, I prefer to vanish forever. This is the only thing I fear."