Heaven Hath No Rage - Book Two

Em and Phen (One and Two)

Like most nights she needed to be alone, she rowed back to the lightbringer. Rarely anyone was ever on their ships aside from those assigned as lookouts. It was much quieter than the boisterous streets of Stumber's Row and Theo could pretend that she was back out on the ocean instead of stuck on land for the foreseeable future. She hadn't entered into the water since The Grotto and hadn't felt safe when sailing without Riva but she was still no land-dweller. After rowing herself to the ship and climbing up to the deck, she greeted the vanguard member on duty before slipping into her quarters.

She grabbed a bottle of rum and a keyring before stepping back out and making her way to the row of cabins on the upper decks. She made her way into a familiar room after unlocking it. She threw the bottle of rum on the bed and climbed into it. Sitting up, she popped the cork off the rum as she stared at the carvings along the doorway. Ava's room had become a sort of escape for her. No one ever thought to look for her in there which made it the ideal getaway. Not even Cooker had figured it out.

It was an escape from the bustle of pirate life but not an escape from her emotions. Being in her room only made Theo feel guilty. It tugged at her gut and encouraged her to drink more than she should have, and Theo hated drinking. But, once the first sips were down and the warmth began to settle in her stomach it helped her experience everything that she had been holding in. The times in between her visits to Ava's room were categorized by internalizing the stress, the worries, the pressure of responsibilities. All of the negativity, the doubt, and the festering feeling of inadequacy were pushed away and stored for a later time.

Those feelings were reserved for the hours she spent in Ava's room every few suns. With rum or ravci in her she would finally be able to relax enough to process what she felt. If Cooker used drugs to avoid feeling, Theo used them to encourage it. She felt guilty about that too, making Cooker stop using just to turn around and do the same. But she also knew it was different, Cooker had an unhealthy use of harmful drugs and Theo was doing the right thing.

The conviction in her decision was reinforced by the evidence that Cooker had been thriving without hard drugs or liquor. It was one of the many good things that were happening. Amongst other was having plenty of gold at their disposal, a growing crew, more ships than they left Corinspe with, and new people stepping into roles of leadership. The Scorned Woman's crew was thriving yet Theo didn't feel that way. She was afraid that the fog would never lift, it would always be trailing behind her ready to impede on a sunny time. Once again, it felt hopeless and she felt helpless. There was nothing for her to do, she didn't have any guidance on what to do after being tortured within an inch of her life and then making the biggest mistake she could imagine by sending Ava home.

The tears spilled out without her meaning to and the bottle of rum was discarded on the nightstand as Theo turned onto her stomach and buried her face into the pillow so she couldn't hear her own cries. She let everything out until she felt hollow inside and like she had not one ounce of emotions left inside her. She felt her eyelids get heavier and she adjusted in the bed, ready to let a bit of sleep overtake her. Just for a nap, just to escape reality for a small while. It was difficult to sleep lately and the only times she found herself being able to peacefully drift off was when she was emotionally spent.

As her mind quieted and she felt herself slipping into sleep, she heard movement in the halls. Any thought of sleep exited her head as she shot up in bed, listening for more. A door opened and closed. The only other rooms in the hall were Xyra and Cooker's rooms. Cooker was far too drunk to have been able to make it to her room alone, without much noise. Someone was trying to get into one of their rooms and they probably were not supposed to. Theo let a few moments pass to listen for another door opening but nothing happened. Whoever it was, they were still in the room. Theo got out of bed and took the hand cannon she had placed on the nightstand when she first got there. Slowly, and careful to not make a sound, she exited the room and snuck down the hall to Cooker's room.