The Affair [boyxboy]

The Affair {15}

                He searched my eyes and gulped, hesitating before nodding to himself. “I…Connor, I like you. A lot. As more than just my best friend. You’re perfect to me. You’re sweet, caring, romantic, honest, funny, and laid back. I’ve liked you for a long time. I’m jealous of Luka. I admit it. And seeing you in pain right now…I hate it. I hate to ever see you upset.”

                He dropped his head, snapping his mouth shut, blushing bright red. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I just fucked up our friendship, huh?” He laughed nervously.

                I put my hand under his chin, tilting his head up. “No. I asked for the truth.”

                Blake’s eyes widened a little. He nervously bit his lip, back to searching my eyes. That feeling of being recognized, of being loved, made the image of my parents flash through my brain, and a wave of pain crashed over me, threatening to drag me into a deep depression.

                But Blake chose that moment to lean forward and close the space between us, kissing me deeply. He wrapped his arms around my neck. His lips broke away from mine briefly.

                “I’ve loved you for a long time Connor.” Then his lips were back on mine.

                Those words overpowered me, and I got lost in that feeling. That feeling of being loved, noticed, cared for, important. Visible.

                I kissed him back.

                “STOP!”

                I clutched my head tightly, my memories running wild. My body began to tremble as I fought off those memories.

                “Stop,” I panted, falling back on my bed and squeezing my eyes shut. I reopened them, hating myself. Why hadn’t I been thinking of Luka in that moment? Why did I have to be so goddamned selfish? All I had wanted was to be noticed, and Blake had given that me. And his kiss had awakened my love for him as we gave ourselves to each other that night.

                I remembered the horrible guilt I had felt the next morning when I woke up in the arms of Blake. How he had calmed me despite his own guilt and panic.

                Blake had wanted me so badly that he had been willing to hurt Luka to get me. To sleep with his friend’s boyfriend. And now he hated me so much, he was willing to do anything to crush me.

                I got out of my bed and left my room. I couldn’t stay in this house any longer. I needed some air or something.

                I paused as I saw my dad walking down the hallway to get to his room. I bit my lip and stood in his path, a desperate need for any sort of contact forming in me.

                My dad slammed into me, not slowing his pace. I stumbled and fell to the ground. He kicked me as he kept on walking, disappearing into his bedroom as if it hadn’t happened.

                I got to my feet and hurried outside before I did anything else stupid. I sat in my front yard and buried my face in my hands.

                “Luka. Blake,” I choked out.

                Maybe I should just let Blake ruin me. I deserved it after what I had done. Yes, I had loved him. But not at first. No, at first, it had just been out of need. Blake was right. I had used him just to feel loved and visible.