Healing

34.

𝐻𝑒𝓇𝓈 ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

I wake up to the sound of people downstairs. I launch myself up and turn to look at my clock.

6:50

Why were people here at this hour?

I stretch my arms out before getting out of bed and putting on my fluffy slippers. A slight chill runs down my arms as I grab my hoodie from its place on the chair.

At least I was awake now or else i would have missed Fajr. Quickly, I do Wudu and pray as there were only 10 minutes left until sunrise.

I stare down at my prayer mat unsatisfied. My prayer had been rushed and  I couldn't connect wiht Allah too much throughout it.

Back when I was in high school, when I was at the lowest point of my life, there was a point where I wouldn't pray. It wasn't like I wasn't able to. I just simply didn't. Somewhere in there, in some dark, twisted way, I had convinced myself it was because of Shaytaan. Shaytasn had made me lazy. He had caused me to not want to pray.

Looking back, to some degree that was true. But I was able to wake up at 5:00 every single morning to get ready for school. I was able to stay up until 12:00 to finish a show I was watching. I was able to put every ounce of concentration I had on schoolwork.

Why? Because I cared.

I cared enough to try each and every single day.

It took a while for me to admit it because of how hard it was to accept. Many of us say phrases such as if he cared, then he would. Yet, we refuse to turn these concepts onto ourselves.

Think: If I cared, then I would.

If you cared about your best friend, you would go out of your way to show appreciation for them right? You wouldn't say "I love you" and then not talk to them for weeks on end when you have the opportunity to do so every single day.

So then why do we do this with Allah SWT? If I treated my friends with such dignity and respect, why couldn't I bring myself to do the same, if not more, with Allah.

Words speak louder than actions.

This is yet another concept we refuse to turn onto ourselves, especially when talking about our relationship with Allah.

That was where I was making my mistake. I was thinking of God as far away from me. I was thinking of him as a diety that was too high to be in my presence.

Yet, the truth of the matter is that He loves us so much that He set aside 5 separate times for us to be able to speak to him one-on-one.

At the end of the day, the only person I could blame was myself. I was the one who gave into Shaytaan's evil whispers. The thoughts he planted in my head could have easily been wiped away. They could have stayed what they were. Thoughts passing through my head, only to be washed away by the wind.

But I let it affect me. I let his words turn into actions.

So now, here I am 3 years later, sad that I didn't have enough time to talk to Allah SWT. I smile at the irony. Oh how I wished I could go back in time to help myself from the haram world I was apart of.

But maybe I wouldn't be where I am today without that hard time. It may be something that I hate remembering. Truthfully, I hide the memories and try my best not to think of them. The only thing they result in now are tears and the ting of regret that burdens my heart. Allah forgave me when even I wasn't able to forgive myself.

I express my thanks to Allah in dua and finally get up from my prayer mat. I felt pained to be parted from it.

After brushing my teeth and finishing my skin care routine, I decide to go checkout what's going on downstairs.