Healing

11.

It was Wednesday and I was back at the shop.

The cafe had been very peaceful and Omar came in at around 9 to help close.

We had fallen into this routine over the past few weeks. The strange thing was that we would barely speak to each other, just making small talk here and there. Other than that we would enjoy the silence and busy ourselves with what we had to do.

It was peaceful, but what was strange was that I would consistently find myself looking forward to this specific time.

On this specific night, I had come out of the back room having finished brooming the floors to find him staring out the window into the night sky.

"The sky is really pretty isn't it," I say as more of a remark than a question.

"It's amazing how I've simply never noticed how pretty it was until recently. I took your advice-to try and appreciate the smaller things- and it's like everything just seems so much more meaningful. Allah's creations truly are mind blowing," he says as he moves away to go back to cleaning tables.

My heart blooms in happiness.

He took my advice?

I mean that's why I gave the advice wasn't it? For him to use?

So why exactly was my heart....I shake my head, clearing my thoughts. I'll just focus on the conversation.

"It really helped me when I was going through something hard a while ago and it's just stayed with me since so I mean, I thought if it helped me maybe it could help another person."

"Going through what?" he asks.

I pause for a moment. He had asked it so openly that it had caught me off guard. Had he felt as if we were close enough to ask personal questions this freely?

I mean he had done the same for me and trusted me with the information. Would it be wise to do the same?

"Have you ever dated anyone," I ask hesitantly.

"Nope and I don't plan to, you?"

"Well, It wasn't really a relationship. But there was this one guy," I stop talking but then realise he's waiting for me to continue. "He was the one who approached me and we were also the only muslims our age for like, a 100 miles. We were the only ones we could relate to and nobody else would understand us. So we were naturally drawn to each other. We were in the 'talking' phase," I make quotation marks to emphasize my point. "I ended it a few weeks later as I realised it was haram and thank Allah we didn't do anything besides talking but it really opened my eyes to the reality of this dunya."

"Did you like him a lot?" he stops cleaning and looks up at me, his gaze so intense I thought I was going to melt on the spot.

Well that definitely wasn't what I was expecting him to say.

"N-no of course not. It was more of a tiny crush and even then I honestly think it was the result of being so lonely," I stutter as I try to reassure him as fast as I can.

Wait.

Why am I reassuring him?

I stare back at Omar. He nods.

"So how did you realise it?" he asks, going back to his work.

"It sort of just clicked one day. I had been lonely for so long, but at that time I would take a long time to pray and would focus only on the things that mattered. Like school and my other goals. But when I started talking to him everyday it sort of changed my mentality. I sped through my prayers and started reading less and less Quran. And yes, I was feeling a lot happier but the emotion was fleeting. It would leave when he left which brought my attention to how minuscule our desires are. Our nafs forces us to focus on our carnal desires but I realised that there is always a halal alternative to whatever it is that your nafs is calling you to. And-oh I'm rambling again. Sorry," I say sheepishly.

I look up to see him smiling.

"What?"

"You look really passionate when you talk about Islam." His eyes twinkle slightly, giving away the notion of an underlying meaning. "By all means, talk for as long as you'd like. I'll happily listen to everything you have to say"

"That would have to be the end of my mini rant, sir. Sorry to disappoint," I say.

Why had he been smiling?

"That's a disappointment," he says with a sombre face.

I laughed and looked up at him, ready to make another remark but a frown was now sitting on his face.

How can one be so bipolar?

"What Omar," I ask. Why was he always keeping me on the edge of my seat?

"I just remembered, you said you didn't have a lot of friends back in the states?"

"Yes.." I say slowly. "Most of the girls saw me as a weirdo and the ones who didn't I just didn't feel that connection you know. I mean don't get me wrong they were the sweetest, but it wasn't like I could talk to them like I can talk to you."

A very light blush appears on his cheeks, almost too light for anyone to see on his brown skin.

Definitely not saying something like that again.

"So you're not lonely now...I hope," he clears his throat.

I smile, thinking about all the amazing people I had met in the short time I had been here. "Of course not. I have Ilaria, Sara and Razan. And we can't forget about Dua."

He chuckles as he goes back to work.

"I'm glad. And thank you for taking such good care of my younger sister. I'm always scared that, without a proper mother figure in her life she gets sort of lonely and sad. If it isn't apparent by now my father's never here. My grandma tries her best but there's only so much that she can do, living an hour away. I spend as much time as I can with her but sometimes I'm scared it's not enough."

"You did an amazing job Omar. Trust me, you did. But there's only so much that one person can do especially in the situation that you were put in. You dealt with it perfectly and you can tell through how much of a kind kid she is," I assure him.

"Thank you, but I really don't think I'm doing enough at times," he stops talking but I can tell he wanted to say something else so I wait. After a few moments he goes on, "She really looks up to you, almost like an older sister. So I'm happy that you care for her even when we weren't ...um...on the best of terms."

"I'll say it again Omar it's all in the past, don't think anything of it," I say as I wave my hand in front of me. "And besides I absolutely love her."

"Me too," he agrees.

"I wonder what it feels like to be in love. Like truly in love. With your soulmate," I voice my thoughts aloud.

"I don't think it's something you can put words to," he chuckles in his deep voice. "But, if I had to describe what I think it's supposed to be, it's the desire to see someone in Jannah. In my opinion that is true love." I could hear the faint sound of a smile in his voice.

My heart started beating a tiny bit faster, a tiny bit louder.

My breath quickened slightly.

I told myself that it wasn't true. That Ilaria and Razan and my brother - they hadn't known what they were talking about.

This was the exact moment, ladies and gentlemen, that I realised I had already entered the first stage.

Denial.

And this was also the moment that I also realized I was close to finishing the cycle. Where was I headed towards?

I didn't want to say it. But what good would ignoring the truth do me?

I, Cyra Islam, was hurdling towards acceptance at a speed faster than light.

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word count: 1,267

Date Posted: 02/15/2022