Healing

14.

I lock the door to the cafe as I walk out to my moms car. I had asked her if she could pick me up. This way I had some private time to talk to her about this without the chance of my brother or dad hearing.

"Assalamu Alaikum ma," I say as I get into her car and hand her a bag. "Here."

I had gotten her an assortment of desserts that had been left over today. I knew she liked all of them. Plus I needed to butter her up slightly to talk to her.

"Walaikum Assalam my dear," she says as she opens the bag. "This smells good. We can have it once we go home."

With that she starts the engine and we start to drive.

After a few minutes, I break the silence. "Ma, can I ask you something?"

"Of course. Don't be afraid to ask."

"So....." I take a deep breath and get myself ready to tell her. This had to be the first step. I had to make this halal.

Obviously, if that was what he wanted.

But I refused to have anything that was not given to me through the baraka of Allah.

"I understand you are older now and there are things you may want to know Cyra. Just go ahead and ask."

"Well," I pause again and look down, ringing my hands out. "If there was a .... a boy and let's just say I ..... liked him, what would I do to make it halal? And what if he doesn't have the ... um. The same feelings for me."

I was a child again, not knowing how to speak properly. At least I hadn't stuttered. Pauses were better than stuttering right?

Looking to my mom for any sign of her being mad, I am surprised when I see a smile.

"What man in their right mind wouldn't want to wed my daughter?" All of my nerves dissipate. She didn't care?

Well, you are of age now.

"Ma, I'm being serious," I whine.

"Well, first of all there is no reason to be afraid. If he doesn't want to then you just avoided someone who's name wasn't written next to yours and one day you will be given someone who will give you more love than he ever could. However, if his name is written next to yours, no matter how far you two will go from each other you will always find a way back if that is Allah's plan."

She side eyes me as she drives before continuing.

"If it doesn't happen now, maybe it'll  happen sometime in the future. Maybe Allah wants you to do something or experience something before getting married. There's always that possibility. But the truth is you will never know the reason. You just have to trust in Allah, because that's all that we can do."

I nod my head and stay silent. When had my mother turned into a poet?

"So how would I make it halal?"

"We have to go ask on your behalf to his parents. It might take a little convincing for your father, he doesn't want to let you go so soon."

"But you'll approve?" Was she really on board?

"That matters. Who is this man that will become my son-in-law?"

I blush slightly at her referring to Omar as her son-in-law. "I don't know if I really like him yet, it's just-it's just crossed my mind." Ok, now I was stuttering.

"You wouldn't be asking me if you didn't actually like him. I know my daughter and she would never go after something she didn't actually want. You're lazy like that." She laughs.

"I'm not that lazy. I just would rather not do things that I don't actually have to. Work smarter not harder," I defend myself as she pulls into our driveway.

She turns to look at me, her face serious now. I could feel the change in her aura.

"You know the guy that you met the other day? At the restaurant?" I say slowly, watching for the smallest of reactions.

"The one whose dad owned it? Omar I think his name was. He walked you to your car," she says as more of a statement than a question.

"Yes. Him. He... he also owns the cafe I work at." How would she take this news?

"And how is that going?"

"He's nice. We talk sometimes."

She raises an eyebrow. "That's it?"

"Yes. I mean what else is there to say?"

"What is he like? Has he made any indications that he likes you?"

"He's really caring. And he's religious. And if he does like me he's hiding it pretty well. I haven't seen any change in his behavior around me." That was enough information to keep her from prodding more right?

Apparently it was because she nodded and took out the keys from the ignition. "He seems like a nice boy. He's financially stable too. Do you see him a lot at work?"

"Yes," I say.

"I think it would be best for you to quit the job, just to make sure nothing haram can happen. And your dad and I will take care of the rest when you feel like you're ready to."

She is met with my silence. Her reaction was more than what I had expected.

"Thank you for being supportive," I voice my appreciation.

"Of course. But that boy has to prove his worth to me for me to actually like him." She gets out of the car, signaling the end of the conversation.

I get out of my side in silence and walk into my room as I rethink what my mother had just said.

I understood what she was saying, but I couldn't just go up to him and ask directly.

I was too shy of a person for that.

But how are you ever going to get what you want if you don't try your best?

I know a lot of things scared me but one of my faults was stopping half way because something seemed a bit too hard or too out of my comfort zone.

Sometimes I needed to take a leap of faith.

My mom was right. Quitting the job would be the best option for now. The cafe had grown on me and it meant a lot to me now, but some sacrifices were necessary.

I had had a few crushes over the years and none of them had been notable at all. I had cut off communication with them as soon as I realized my feelings. There was always some excuse I could bring up. I was too young, they were too immature, they weren't Muslim, etc.

But Omar felt different. He was caring. And even the smallest things that he said had the ability to make me happy.

It was so easy talking to him, even if most of it was work related. But as someone with social anxiety, that was a big feat. I felt comfortable around him and everything about him just felt right.

We clicked, I guess you could say, even though neither of us would admit it.

I throw my pillow as I frustratedly lay down on my bed. I had only recently admit my feelings for him to myself. It was still too early to tell.

That's what Shaytan wants you to think.

There were always those 'halal dates' to get to know each other with mehram supervision.

I decided I would quit after my next shift. I had two days to get myself ready. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I did know I would need Allah to guide me through this.

I sigh as my feet touch the cold wooden floors. Istikhara it was.

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I don't think my mom would act like this if I dropped this on her lol

word count: 1257

Date Posted: 02/17/2022