Healing

27.

𝐻𝑒𝓇𝓈 ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

We had all come to the Masjid and prayed Asr. Now, my mom was talking to Ilarias and Razans mothers in the parking lot as we waiting for our dads to come out.

Omar's friend, Hasan I think his name was, walks past us with the Sheikh in tow.

Once he sees me his eyes awkwardly lower to the ground, mumbling Salam to my mom before he walks to his car.

That was weird.

I turn to Ilaria to tell her as much, only to be met her seriously blushing.

Razan meets my eye and we both smile.

"What's that about," I tease her.

"Let's talk about you Cyra. How's things with Omar," she immediately changes the conversation.

Razan laughs before I go over everything. It was better not to pry for information. "Well, thanks to you guys everything is planned from the actual wedding to the outfits and the honeymoon. All that I need now is his input and approval."

They had the biggest help and gave me ideas I wouldn't have ever thought of.

After the men come out, we all say Salam and go our separate ways.

When we arrive home, my mom takes Dua with her so I can have some time by myself.

As soon as I walk into my room, I take off my hijab and let my hair down from the bun it was in. I breathe out a sigh of relief as I massage my scalp.

Going on my bed, I check my phone. One of the girls who used to be my friends back in the US had texted me.

'I'm going to Paris at the end of March & ik you can get rlly busy so i'm asking now, we should meet up :)'

I stare at the notification for a few minutes.

There was no way she was reaching out to me now.

Friends was a very loose term to use in this context. She was a part of the group that hung out with me at school, but the second I turned around they would start trash talking me.

Multiple times I had heard them talking about how they were only friends with me because they felt bad, and even when we were handing out I would be treated as a third wheel.

I had been a fraction of the women I was today. And even though I still wasn't where I wanted to be, I was glad I wasn't the girl that would have cowered in their presence.

And yet, here she was acting as if we were best friends. As if she hadn't kissed the guy that I had liked at the time. As if she hadn't ruined my favorite dress by "accidentally" spilling her drink on it. Why exactly would she be texting me?

And then it hit me. Recently, my Instagram following had gone up. Was she really texting me to meet up for clout?

I take a shaky breath and open the chat. My fingers shake as I start typing. 'I can't'

'I'll be there for a few weeks so I'm sure you'll have some free time'

'Actually I think I'll be busy the whole entire time you'll be here' I send back.

She texts back immediately. 'But we haven't talked in forever, even over text'

And a few minutes later. "I miss you."

I stare at my phone for a while and  I'm sure she thinks I've left her on seen but this point. She was really texting me as if we were real friends. As if she hadn't used me and constantly made fun of me.

I miss you.

Was she really doing this right now?

She missed me?

After not speaking to me for months, she missed me. I laugh at the irony.

Without letting myself think twice, I go to her account and press the block button. I do this to every other girl who was in the group as well. My heart races as I do all this and put down my phone down to sit on my bed.

I had did something good. This put me one step further into slowly healing myself.

It hurt me. It hurt me every single day, but that was ok. I was used to it.

But now I know that it wasn't ok. I just forced myself into thinking it was. I was so deprived of friendship and laughter that I forced myself into thinking our friendship was normal when in reality, it was killing me.

The loneliness I had felt would have been better than the hurt they caused me.

But wasn't it then that you started to bloom? Wasn't them not wanting you, the beginning of you wanting yourself? Even though they had caused you all this pain, you're slowly coming to a better place. You're not that timid little girl now. Look at what you've become.

Look at the wonderful friends you have now.

For once, the voice in my head was being useful.

No-one is going to make me grow as a person besides yourawld.

It wasn't supposed to be something easy. It was hard for me stand up for myself and put my foot down, but here I was doing it all by myself.

I should be proud.

So why was I crying?

Why could I could feel my whole entire body shaking? Why was my heart was beating this fast?

Because you did something you've been scared to do for a long time.

But was it ok to cry over this?

Of course it was.

I just had to pick myself up again after this. Crying didn't make me any less proud of what I had just accomplished.

I grab a pillow in my arms and lay down in my bed, letting my tears out.

I may resent them, but without their hatred I wouldn't have ever turned to allah. I wouldn't have ever seeked for his help and became closer to him.

So in a way, it was all in Allah's plan.

Sometimes we all needed to be broken a little in order to put yourself together and come back stronger.

Even though the pain may hurt, and the nights spent crying may seem useless, how were any of us supposed to evolve if we didn't experience it. How could any of us fully appreciate the good people in our lives if we didn't experience the bad people?

I get up from my bed and sit on my prayer mat. Putting my hands together, I thank Allah. I thank him for helping me help myself.

For none of us could do anything without the barakah of Allah.

I wipe a stray tear from my face. A late night drive didn't sound bad right now.

----------------♡----------------

For those who don't know: Barakah means blessing.

So what do we think about Cyras past now that we finally know?

->also ppl are literally like this, I literally hide my socials from my almost everyone ik bcuz they'll either (a) make fun of me or (b) be a clout chaser (ofc there are a few real friends tho)

life update (not that you have to care) but my brain feels so fried rn, it's like a fog has been placed over it and i can't think properly. I rlly don't like it. I feel like my writing hasn't been up to par lately so I'm sorry for the low graded work.

word count: 1130

Date Posted: 02/26/2022