𝐔𝐍𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐓𝐇𝐘 || Vhope

c.16

Chapter 16: Disillusioned

"All right, what's going on?" Johnny said as soon as they returned to Hoseok's house.

Hoseok pulled his shirt off and turned to Johnny. He didn't bother feigning ignorance; only an idiot wouldn't have noticed how quiet he'd been during the drive home, and Johnny wasn't an idiot.

"You can tell me anything," Johnny said, his gray eyes kind and concerned.

Hoseok stared at his strong handsome face. Then he grabbed Johnny's arm and yanked him closer. Johnny made a surprised noise that was swallowed by Hoseok's mouth. Hoseok kissed him hard, trying to feel something-anything. Johnny moaned and kissed back, sliding his hands under Hoseok's shirt, and it felt- It felt wrong. It felt wrong, and dirty, as though he was cheating on Taehyung, which was so ridiculous it made Hoseok angry. Angry with Taehyung, but mostly angry with himself. Why did the kisses Taehyung had allowed him to have feel so much better than Johnny's passionate kisses? It made no sense. He liked Johnny. He wanted to love him. Johnny was the perfect boyfriend any gay man could wish for.

He wasn't Taehyung.

Hoseok shook the thought off. He'd been content enough with Johnny until Taehyung had shown up. He could be content with Johnny again. He just had to try instead of pining for something he could never truly have.

Johnny laughed breathlessly when Hoseok pushed him into the bed.

At least physically he could still feel what his mind and his heart couldn't. He managed to get hard, and he managed to stay hard until he pushed inside Johnny.

Then, everything went wrong: Johnny's bright blond hair became darker, his skin paler and softer, his body slimmer, and then it was Taehyung looking up at him trustingly. And something snapped inside of him, his cock swelling, his blood burning.

Afterward, Hoseok could barely remember the sex. He remembered the want, the love, and the gut-wrenching longing rushing through his blood. He remembered the name that left his lips when he came. It wasn't Johnny.

For a long, tense moment, there was no sound at all.

Then Johnny shoved him off before sitting up and reaching for his clothes.

Hoseok turned onto his back, feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet.

"You should have told me," Johnny said tersely, standing up to pull his jeans on. "You should have fucking told me you were in love with someone else. Then I wouldn't be such a..." He chuckled, shaking his head. "You should have told me."

"I didn't think it mattered."

Johnny started buttoning up his shirt, his movements stiff, wooden. "It mattered," he said. "If I knew I was just a rebound for you, I wouldn't have been stupid enough to-to..."

Hoseok got rid of the condom. "I'm sorry."

"Right. You're sorry."

Hoseok got out of the bed and put a hand on Johnny's shoulder. "I really am," he said quietly. "I know better than anyone how much this sucks. He's straight and he will never truly be mine."

A humorless laugh left Johnny's throat. "Right now I can't really feel sorry for you." He turned around, his lips twisted into a smile that looked more like a grimace. "I thought you were the one for me, you know."

The unmasked pain in Johnny's eyes brought a new wave of guilt, regret, and resentment at the unfairness of it all. "I wanted it to work," Hoseok said. "You're the kind of man I always wanted for a partner: nice, and unselfish, and-"

"But I'm not him," Johnny said.

Hoseok averted his gaze. "You're a better person than him."

"But I'm not him."

Hoseok remained silent.

His jaw clenching, Johnny nodded and turned to the door.

"I tried to fall for you," Hoseok said. "I thought that maybe if I could for anyone-"

"Don't."

"-it would be you. If I could choose-"

"But you can't," Johnny said tightly. "And neither can I." He gave a weak attempt at a smile. "But at least I know better than to fall for a straight guy. Good luck with that." And he left.

Johnny didn't slam the door on his way out.

Taehyung would have.

Hoseok sat down on the unmade bed and buried his face in his hands. Goddammit, he was tired. Tired of fighting this. Tired of forcing himself to feel what he didn't feel. Tired of suppressing the emotions he did feel. He'd done it for years. He had tried one-night stands, he'd tried relationships, he'd tried to move on and live away without Taehyung. But nothing had worked, and deep down, he knew nothing ever would.

I love you. Taehyung's deep voice, soft and sincere, whispering in his mind. You can't say I don't feel it only because I don't want you that way. I love you in every way that matters.

Hoseok bit the inside of his cheek until he felt the bitter taste of his blood.