A Million Pieces - Hunger Games (Catching Fire & Mockingjay)

Chapter 40

By morning, it's clear that everyone knows I'm Peeta's official manager. As much as I hate the idea of him being "handled", the whole squad is so patient and eager to help that I let my guard down and teach everyone the premise of "Real or Not Real". Peeta takes to it keenly and I'm so impressed by how vulnerable he is willing to be that every once in a while, I interject with my own questions. It scares me when I realise how little I remember of District 4 and other specifics. But Caspian and Finnick give me space and answer questions like whether we turn left or right at the Justice Building to get home coming from the reaping beach - it's left - and what weapon Caspian favoured in his Games - the answer is a spear and a dark look - and what was my baby brother's name - no one really knows, but we figure he was never given one - and did Katniss tell me about her father teaching her archery or did I see that on television - she told me during training before the Games - and whether Malila was born before or after Talise died - a few months before. It also gives me hope. I can both reconstruct my past and look to my future, with my friends and family by my side.

The next day, we are finally called to do something interesting, although I'm sure it will in no way advance the war efforts or drive us deeper into the Capitol. Still, we suit up in heavy protective gear and we're all given guns, even Peeta gets one full of blanks. I bring out my knives, fiddling with them for a half hour, quickly figuring out the special features that Beetee installed. The belt comfortably holds three knives on each of my hips, and each knife has three colourful buttons on its hilt: red for fire, yellow for explosive, and white for a cable to unleash so I can pull the knife back without moving to retrieve it. Caspian's spear and Finnick's trident have similar features.

When we join the group again, Peeta is talking to one of the cameramen, Pollux. "There were two Avoxes with me in prison," he's saying.

"Peeta," I warn quietly.

Peeta looks at me. "That's real, right? Darius and Lavinia, but the guards mostly called them the redheads. They'd been our servants in the Training Center, so they arrested them too. I watched them being tortured to death. She was lucky. They used too much voltage and her heart stopped right off. It took days to finish him off. Beating, cutting off parts. They kept asking him questions, but he couldn't speak, he just made these horrible animal sounds. They didn't want information, you know? They wanted me to see it."

I spin around and hide my face in my hands. The electrocution. One current too strong and the same could've happened to Annie right in front of me. She wasn't as expendable as the Avoxes, but more so than Peeta or myself. Finnick puts his hand on my shoulder and it just makes me feel worse.

"Real or not real?" I hear Peeta ask, and I press my fingers into my skull. "Real or not real?" he demands.

There's a flash in my mind. Peeta and I in our cells, my right side pressed against his left through the bars. Johanna on my other side, moaning in pain. Peeta telling me about the death he had witnessed that day. The anger, the fear, the disgust is too much. I take a deep breath and turn back around. "Real," I spit out. "It's real."

"I thought so," Peeta says, his shoulders slumping. "There was nothing shiny about it." Despite the horror of the memory, the remark lifts something in me. Peeta is starting to manage, like I am. Picking apart the memories.

As we walk through the streets, I make my own mental piles, sorting the memories that are violent and fake with the softer, real ones. I whisper them under my breath, but no one points it out or makes me stop. When we reach the target, everyone volunteers to trigger the pod, except Peeta and me. We stand to the side while the cameras and makeup and guns are prepared. Then we slowly follow the group down the street. I'm instructed to shoot at a section of windows, and although I still don't love the gun, I'm pleased at my accuracy. Gale hits the pod and we take cover as bullets stream over our heads. My hands are trembling now, just slightly, as Cressida makes us reenact our reactions for close-up shots. I've never done anything of the sort, but I know how to lie with my words as well as my face, so I get mine over quickly. But then they have Caspian and I do a whole bit together where he throws himself on top of me, which makes me uncomfortable in multiple ways, so I'm relieved when Finnick and Katniss start mimicking us with overdramatic expressions and the attention is pulled away from us. It appears that the "face unit" of the rebellion is actually terrible on camera though, and Katniss, Mitchell and Caspian are the worst - she is a terrible liar, Mitchell can't act and Caspian finds it impossible to hide his emotions - so after minutes of them flailing around with mouths open, the whole squad is rolling on the ground, tears of laughter shining in our eyes.