A Million Pieces - Hunger Games (Catching Fire & Mockingjay)

Chapter 30

When I wake up, I think I'm back in the Capitol. Two angry voices - Caspian and Finnick - are arguing, and I'm almost sure I'm in the Capitol because they have never sounded hostile like this since I've been in Thirteen.

But no. I'm in my hospital bed in Thirteen, and Caspian and Finnick are standing behind a curtain, where I can only see their outlines. Finnick standing straight with his arms crossed and Caspian leans over, gesticulating wildly. I still feel like I'm dreaming, but their words pierce through the fog.

"Cas, blaming yourself isn't going to help anyone. Not me. Not you. Not her," Finnick says.

Caspian's silhouette shakes its head. "No, I messed up from the beginning! I should've volunteered."

"You did!" Finnick reminds him.

"I should have volunteered earlier or insisted more," Caspian argues. "I should've been in the arena with her."

Finnick's voice grows cold. "What would that have changed?"

"I would've gotten her out of there. Thirteen would have rescued her! The Capitol wouldn't have caught her! She would be okay right now."

"So you're saying I didn't do everything I could to take care of her?" Finnick asks.

"I'm saying that you got out and she didn't!" Caspian explodes.

There is a second of silence. I grip my sheets. I can't remember Caspian ever speaking to Finnick this way, and clearly Finnick is shocked too.

"You don't think I've beaten myself up enough about that?" says Finnick furiously. "You don't think I would've switched places with her and Annie in a second? She is basically my sister, Cas! But you blaming yourself isn't any more true or useful than me blaming myself. You couldn't have guaranteed her safety any more than I could. You did everything you could outside the arena."

Caspian must reply, but it takes a long time and before I can hear it, the morphine drags me back into unconsciousness.

None of the doctors have seen me yet. Malila is nearby but she doesn't stop me as I pass her. Even the young girl I've learned is Prim - Katniss's little sister - turns a blind eye when I sneak out of the hospital and down the halls. It's the first time I've walked further than a few yards, and my legs feel like water. I am not trying to run away, I swear to myself. I have decided I want to try to recover, even though it takes an immense amount of effort to look Coventina and Finnick in the eyes and I haven't seen Caspian since the incident. I just need air. Space. I imagine myself floating on my back in the sea, looking up at the infinite blue sky. I won't have that here, but getting out of the hospital is good enough, especially knowing someone will come after me in a few minutes.

I am creeping around a corner when I catch sight of Caspian. I lurch backwards, a terrified gasp escaping my throat, and I lean against the wall for support. I take a few deep breaths and glance around the corner. He is talking to a woman with perfect grey hair and a serious expression. It seems that they are both too involved in their conversation to have seen me, although Caspian's head tips my way ever so slightly. Their urgent, hushed words swim into my ears.

The woman speaks first. She looks intimidating, but not so imposing. I know she's important. I've seen her a few times. It takes a moment, and then it comes to me. She is the leader of District 13. Annie told me about her. President Alma Coin. Her voice is cold, business-like. "Something needs to be done about her," she says. "She is causing trouble, like that alarm. She isn't eating much. It is using up our time, food and hospital staff. And to be frank, it is testing my patience."

Caspian is seething. "What do you mean 'something needs to be done'? Is something being done about Peeta? He was hijacked too. He's proved more dangerous than she has."

I know that Coin is admitting that she wants to get rid of me, but it's Peeta's name that captures my attention. I've asked a million times about him, but they have never let me see him. Coventina caved one time when I would not let the subject drop - it was the first time I was actually talking to her - and she told me he had attacked Katniss. That he had been wired to kill her. That he was even more unstable than I was. I know that must be true, because they had worked on him for at least a week before they started on me, and from what I understood, I was rescued just a few days after they first injected me with the venom.

I desperately want to see Peeta, but everyone thinks putting the two of us together will create an explosion and we will kill each other or ourselves or everyone else. I have not been able to convince them that it might help us both. They have also kept Johanna hidden, but Annie says that's because Johanna is less than impressed with 13 and they think she might corrupt me and interrupt my recovery.

I hear Peeta's name again, but this time it comes from Coin's cool voice. "Peeta has been wired to be angry. We need him for Katniss. We risked a lot to get him back for her. Sapphire is terrified. Fear is harder to contain than anger."

"We're not containing her, we rescued her," he says. His tone is dangerous, but I am surprised that it doesn't seem to scare me. "She's as important as Peeta."

I am too distracted to hear Coin's answer. There is a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I close my eyes, Caspian Rivera's face conjures itself on the back of my eyelids. And he is smiling. And I love that smile.

If I was determined to recover before, it's nothing compared to now. Something clicks in me. I'm no longer blindly hoping to get better. I begin to distinguish. To tell apart the memories. They flutter back, sweet and gentle like butterflies. Memories of Finnick twirling a laughing Annie, of Coventina sitting us down at the dinner table, of Caspian scooping up Malila. Finnick teaching me complicated knots and playfully pushing me off the pier. Coventina brushing my hair when I am way too old for it. Annie grabbing my hand and pointing out the sunlight making a flower glow. Malila giggling as I poke her. Caspian teaching me sailing tricks. Smiling at me, teasing me, laughing with me.

The scary memories are still there, and they aren't soft like the other ones. They attack my mind, stabbing at my brain and heart, shoving their way to the front of my thoughts.

But I can tell.

In moments of clarity, I can tell. So when they all come see me, I start to listen to what they say. I wish I had paid attention sooner. They are telling me stories. Stories about me and stories about them. Our first memories. Our last interactions. Their feelings. Their fear. Good memories and terribles ones. They don't know I've started listening, so they bear their hearts and souls to me.

I open up. I ask questions. It is difficult to wrap my head around the idea that they have never hurt me or attempted to, but eventually I have a little pile of good memories and I learn to tap into them when the bad ones come up. I start to remember things even before they remind me. I smile, if cautiously. One day, Finnick says something funny and I laugh. Five pairs of eyes fix onto me, bright and startled. I cover my eyes with my hands and cry. Immediately alarmed, they make to call a doctor, but I stop them.

"Good tears," I whisper.

Annie takes my hand and Malila climbs on the bed. I see Caspian, Coventina and Finnick gripping their chairs as if to keep themselves grounded to them, and they don't try to approach me. No one wants to break this moment, where everything feels okay, even though it isn't. But I can tell they want to be close. From what I see, from what they tell me and from what I remember, physical distance is a foreign concept in this group.

I tell them sorry, and it's the first time I admit out loud that there is something wrong with me, not with them. That I know I am not fully in the real world. I know now, I remember now, that I love them more than anything. And that is more confusing than ever.

They say that it's okay, that it is good enough, but it isn't really. Not for them. And not for me.