A Million Pieces - Hunger Games (Catching Fire & Mockingjay)

Chapter 32

Over the next week, I begin to take more notice of my surroundings, and not just from the visits from my family. The doctors have started forcing me to be awake for most of the day so I can be "ready to integrate society" when the time comes. They've cut off all access to morphine, so my body hurts all the time. But my senses sharpen. I start observing people again. There's a young, attractive doctor who comes in every day with little to no excuse. But he's here for a reason. He sits close when he asks about how I feel. He compliments me and encourages me to confide in him. He subtly presents himself as a person to talk with. Or to do other things with. I recoil.

But I don't notice him as much as I see the young woman who walks Caspian to the hospital every time he visits. He's polite and talks with her, even when it's clear that he's in a rush to leave. She's pretty. Her auburn hair is long like mine used to be, and her freckles compliment her smile. She finds excuses to touch Caspian's arm, to grab his hand, to fix his hair. I build up the courage to ask Annie about her and she tells me the woman is a teacher for the mandatory classes the refugees have had to take.

My stomach twists whenever I notice Flirty Teach with him. His features contort whenever he sees Pretty Doc take my hand to check my pulse or brush my hair off my neck to monitor my bruises. It's next to impossible for me to be physically close to Caspian, although the memories of him hurting me have faded. I can speak to him now, look him right in the eyes for more than three seconds, and smile when he talks. But in me, there's a desperate pull for more. I try to shuffle next to him, to let our knees knock together or our fingers touch, but the other part of me panics every time.

One day, we sit side by side on the bed, our legs dangling off the mattress, swinging just out of reach of one another. I remember the jetty in District 4, how we used to sit there just like this, our feet just above the water, every once in a while kicking the other person to get a laugh from them. Our conversation is heavy today. He's telling me about how the bombing affected District 13 and how Coventina was on the highest level and very nearly didn't escape. His voice is low and sad, so I take a chance and grab his hand. For a second, it's blissful. The feel of his callouses against my scars. His fingers folding around mine. Then I look up at him and a memory of that same hand striking Malila lashes out at me. I let out a gasp and jump away from him, ripping my hand from his. There must be some terrible expression in my eyes because his face contorts with unbearable hurt. It feels like a stab to my chest.

I don't know what else to do, what I could possibly say, so I run. Through the hallways and up flights of stairs. Not very fast, but quick enough to not get caught. I find a spot destroyed by the bombing. Could it have been the place Coventina was when the Capitol bombs were coming to kill her? The ceiling isn't patched up properly, there's a gaping hole where the rain from outside comes through and patters loudly against the floor. I sit down under the hole and finally let it all out. Not the initial terror I felt when I arrived in Thirteen, but the desperation I have accumulated since I've been here.

Tears are just water in the rain. I watch it gather into a puddle at my feet, I feel the drops splash against my cheeks, I smell the dust rising from the earth, and I hear the rhythmic pitter patter. My hands hold my head and I marvel at how my tired body can even remain sitting with everything it's been through.

But then the rain isn't the only thing I hear. A voice - such a familiar voice, a voice I loved, a voice I sought out, a voice I feared, a voice I hid from - calls out to me.

"Sapphire?"

Caspian's tone is hesitant. He's afraid I'll panic again. I glance over my shoulder, and see his face is as concerned as he sounds, but also just as drained.

Tears are just water in the rain, but Caspian must see something else. Because all of a sudden, he is sitting beside me and I'm sobbing and he is tentatively touching my arm and I'm burying my face into his chest. Why hasn't he given up? Why hasn't he left me yet, when he's so hurt and exhausted?

"Sapphire," he repeats, his voice cracking. Carefully, he wraps his arms around me and rests his lips against the top of my head, his nose in my hair.

"I'm sorry," I weep, gripping his shirt. "I'm sorry. I love you!" He stills, but I don't stop. The words are all spewing out of me. My tongue seems to have accumulated all the feelings I need to express, but haven't been able to. "And I love Finnick and Malila and Annie and Auntie Tina. But it's not the same thing!" Some part of my mind wonders if he can even understand my incoherent sobbing, but I can't seem to stop. "I want to have more with you! I want to be with you without being scared." Finally, I gather myself enough to look up at him. Tears must be more than just water in the rain, because I can see he's crying too. "But I can't control it. It just comes out," I whisper. "It's always there, but when it takes over, I don't exist. I get so scared. It kills me, Caspian," I say, my voice as fragile as glass, "not being able to actually be close to you. And it's killing you too."

"Sapphire..." he breathes, staring at me like he can't believe we're so close. "I didn't get you out. Everything could've been so much better. We could've been so much better right now. But the wait and every bit of pain I feel for you... It's all worth it, Sapph. I don't care if you have to stay ten feet away forever, I just want you to be safe and here with me."

His gaze pierces mine with the intensity of his words and the truth of them is fresh on his lips. I watch his mouth, each of the breaths he exhales. He brushes my jaw with his thumb, so lightly I almost doubt it's there, and I feel myself lean forward. Then a drop hits my eyelash, bringing me back to the reality of the situation, and I pull away.

"I care, Cas. You need more," I murmur, brushing a lock of dark hair from in front of his eyes. He catches my hand and holds it to his cheek. A memory sparks in me, but a soft, kind one. A loving one. A real one. I relish in the closeness of it all. So strange, and yet so familiar, so right. "And you can get more. There are some women here around your age. Lila says they're nice to her." I think of Flirty Teach and reluctantly I add, "And to you."

"I don't care, Sapphire!" he whispers fiercely, gripping me tightly. They don't feel like a prison though, rather a protection. "I need you! I'll wait as long as I need to and I'll help as much as I can. You're not some adrenaline, last-minute-before-death moment. I'm in love with you!"

My resolve breaks. I find myself falling forward against him. He leans towards me. And then, something that has only happened once before in all the years I've known Caspian happens.

Our lips touch.

A/N: We're onto weekly updates! This is a slower part of the story, more focused on the relationships and recovery and less on the rebellion and action. Remember, if you're enjoying this, please click on the little star! It means a lot. :)