A Million Pieces - Hunger Games (Catching Fire & Mockingjay)

Chapter 15

The evening starts like every other dinner we've had, except that we are running low on food for the first time in years. It has been this way for months now, since District 12's Victory Tour.

We were instructed to stay home when Peeta and Katniss came through, even though Caspian and Finnick usually meet every new victor. As soon as the new victors left, District 4 revolted. We are bigger and stronger than a lot of the other districts, so the fight lasted for hours, almost a full day. But the Capitol was stronger. They sent in waves of Peacekeepers, who arrested fighters or struck them down on the spot. A district-wide lockdown was announced and the Capitol ceased the monthly victor packages Finnick and Caspian are supposed to receive. We spare as much food and supplies as we can for the least fortunate families of Four, but it means I am worrying about food in a way I haven't since Finnick won his Games. On the other hand, most people in District 4 have officially severed all loyalty to the Capitol, so the products of our fishing are hidden from the Peacekeepers and the district people are finally reaping the rewards of their hard work.

So, there is less food on the table than usual. Malila complained about the fish we had for dinner - it struck me that perhaps she had been spoiled, growing up with two victors - but she ate her share and went to prepare for bed. I am on my feet, leaning over the table and trying to spoon the last of the food onto Finnick's plate. He is arguing, telling me to give it to someone else or save it.

"Oh, just take it Finn," I snap. "You're going to need your strength if you have to go into the arena." The room goes deathly silent: a rare occurrence in the Rivera-Ayers-Odair-Cresta household. I wince, wishing I could take my words back. It has only been a week since the Quarter Quell was announced. A week since Mags died. I look at Annie, who has gone very still. "I - I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

Annie starts shaking. Coventina takes her arm and leads her to our bedroom. I watch them go guiltily and fall backwards into my chair, cursing myself. Finnick and Caspian are surprisingly quiet.

After a moment of heavy silence, I stand up, deciding to go to Annie. In perfect synchronisation, Caspian and Finnick rise from their seats, just in time for Caspian to catch me as I fall apart.

I didn't cry when the Quarter Quell was announced. I just held Annie's hand and took Malila in my arms and watched as Coventina crumpled. I haven't cried since then either. Instead I've watched Finnick and Caspian train and I've pushed them to eat and I've cherished each smile a little more.

But I cry now.

"It's going to be one of you!" I say. "I can't do it. I can't watch you go through that again!"

I sink to the floor, curling around myself. Finnick is immediately by my side, his arm wrapped around my shoulders. I rest my head against him, taking deep breaths. Caspian watches us, his brow creased, his eyes unfocused. Then, he sits down on the floor with us.

"This can't go on," Caspian whispers. "The Hunger Games. The Capitol controlling everything."

Finnick grunts. "Not exactly a new idea, Cas. But what are we going to do about it?"

Caspian frowns, still not quite looking at us. "I don't know. But District 4 has revolted. That's a start."

"That was months ago," Finnick says bitterly. "And the Capitol has destroyed us since that happened. I don't think anyone will want to try that again without a reasonable expectation that something might come from it."

"Do you want us to join them?" I ask Caspian quietly, wiping my eyes. "I know you hated staying home when it happened."

He looks unhappy at the reminder. "We couldn't. We talked about this. Enough people died anyway, but if we as victors participated, they would specifically kill us. Or worse."

I wonder whether this - the Quarter Quell - is worse. I think it might be.

I know that the three of us might be willing to further consider it, to join the rest of the district and raise arms against the Capitol. We've suffered by the Games as much as anyone, maybe even more. But I also know that our priorities aren't Four and the good of the other districts. It's keeping our family safe and together. We've lost too many loved ones, we don't want to lose anyone else.

"Katniss started this, didn't she?" I sigh. "That poor girl. She just wanted to keep herself and Peeta alive. I bet she doesn't even realise what she's done."

From upstairs, Annie gives a muffled cry. Finnick stands up and ruffles my hair. He doesn't need to excuse himself. I move my head onto Caspian's shoulder and we watch Finnick walk out.

"Do you think Peeta and Katniss are really in love?" Caspian asks.

I laugh bitterly. "You're a victor, Cas. You should know that you do whatever it takes to survive." It's not a nice thing to say, even though I don't blame him for anything.

"So you think it's an act?" he says.

"No," I admit. "Peeta has loved her the entire time. You can tell."

"What if he's just a really good liar? Finnick says they're just playing the part."

"Finnick can't imagine sharing real feelings with the Capitol. I'm sure Peeta is a great liar," I say. "But he does love her. And I think Katniss does too, now. Why else would she bring out those berries? She could've killed him or left him to die and no one could have blamed her. She did it because she felt some something for Peeta, even though she started it as a strategy. She's a competitive one, you'll have to be careful."

Caspian hesitates. "If we were in the Games together...would you do it?"

"Kiss you for sponsors?" I laugh, although there's this knot forming in my stomach. "Cas, I think I would rather kiss a sea cucumber."

He doesn't smile or laugh back. He won't even look at me. Instead, his voice is quiet and serious. "What if it wasn't for sponsors?"

I watch him and he watches the wall. "Cas..." I start. Cas, what? Cas, we can't? Cas, this is the worst timing? Cas, I want to? Cas, I haven't slept in a week at the thought of you leaving me?

In the end, I don't say anything and he doesn't either.