A Million Pieces - Hunger Games (Catching Fire & Mockingjay)

Chapter 37

I don't see Katniss get shot live, but they show me the footage the next day while Plutarch talks over her voice in the recording, reassuring us she is completely fine, just a little beat up. Caspian watches me watch her, and once we're dismissed, he gives me a look I wish I didn't understand. I roll my eyes because Katniss should be coming to me and not the other way around, but a few days later, I go to the hospital anyway. I find her in a bed, talking with Johanna, who is attached to her morphine drip. I raise my eyebrows at Johanna, who shrugs and unhooks herself. But she looks a little embarrassed as she disappears behind the curtain.

I stand at the head of Katniss's bed, trying to keep my eyes off the morphine drip. Without looking at me, she tips it my way. An invitation. A peace offering. For a second, I'm desperate to accept. I can imagine the relief that would spread through me, soaking me to my bones. But I think of the bed in the Riveras' compartment and how I really don't want to go back to the hospital. I look away and she hooks herself back up.

"Hi, Kitty," I say lightly. "You just missed me, I got out a few days ago. But if you were this desperate to see me, you could've sent a message. I'm sure they're all falling over themselves to help you." It looks like the words hurt her and it turns out I can't hold a grudge, so instead I sit beside her on the bed. "Never mind that, they need their Mockingjay, right?"

This doesn't seem to cheer her up, but she looks less guilty and instead observes our proximity. "You're not completely unhinged at seeing me?"

"You being so hard to keep alive has driven me a little crazy, but you're nothing I can't handle." Her lips twitch and, victorious, I answer her real question. "I guess there wasn't much point pitting me against you, I never had an opportunity to kill you. And they didn't have the time. So instead they just made me even more of a burden to everyone."

"But Johanna said you're fine around Finnick and Caspian and his mother," she insists. I can see her holding back, vulnerability barely kept at bay. I haven't used my talent with words in a long time, but now I know exactly what I want to say.

"Ask me what you want. Tell me what you're feeling, even the ugly, painful parts," I tell her, and she shakes her head. "Katniss... I know you have to be strong for your sister and your mother and Panem and maybe even Peeta, that you have to take care of them. Right now, I have to be weak for Coventina and Malila, even Caspian, Annie and Finnick. I have to let them take care of me. But maybe you can be weak with me and I can be strong with you."

Desperate, angry tears fill her eyes. "How are you so much better? How did they do it?" she blurts out.

"For a start, they didn't run away," I say and she flinches.

"I can't. I can't watch him hate me like he does. Especially when he's right."

"No, Katniss," I say quickly, and any anger I have for her evaporates. "Peeta suffered so much. More than I did. They didn't use hijacking in the same way on the two of us. They gave me completely new memories, so it clashes more in my head. For him, they took reality and modified it. Vilified you. He's scared and angry and confused. He'll need more time and more support. But what happened to him is not your fault. If you have to blame someone, blame me."

She shakes her head. "You did what you could to keep him alive."

"I could've done more, I could've taken his tracker out," I tell her. "You couldn't. But you can help now. People think that the hard part is letting go, but they're wrong. Letting go gives you freedom, it makes you lighter. It's easier to accept that he's lost, to put him out of your mind and move on. But be brave. Do the hard work. The rebellion needs you. The people of Panem need you. But, Katniss... Peeta needs you too. And you need him. I think you know that."