A Million Pieces - Hunger Games (Catching Fire & Mockingjay)

Chapter 39

Over the following two weeks, I keep myself busy with training. At first I am cold with Johanna, but then she spends a half hour helping me until I can assemble a rifle on my own, so I decide I have no energy to resent the people on my side. I don't throw my whole self into preparation like Katniss does, but before too long, I'm ahead of Johanna. The three of us are moved into another class that the soldiers call the Block, where they've built a Capitol city block and we practice under realistic conditions. Caspian is pale and shaking after his first session, and I know it's because sneaking around the Capitol brings up almost ten years worth of bad memories. I have never been on the streets of the Capitol, so I keep better focus, and I have to admit, between the snipers and mines and orders, it is an effective simulation. For the first time, I think seriously about going to the Capitol, because I might be ready.

Others must be thinking the same thing, because cameras start showing up. They took a few shots of me at the wedding and even a couple with Peeta, but now they film me as I throw knives and shoot guns. I don't ask to look at the footage. When Peeta starts showing up for training, Soldier York unofficially makes me his guide, and it becomes my responsibility to catch him up on training and make sure he doesn't go mad. I see the officials watching us and I wish they would tell me what they're planning, so that I can figure out how best to protect Peeta.

A few days before the first troops are to fly to the Capitol, York tells Katniss, Johanna and me that she has recommended us for the exam. Caspian and Finnick are there when we arrive, not particularly happy about my presence, but resigned. I sit between them and we wait anxiously for our names to be called. It feels like the private evaluation before the Hunger Games, which makes me feel sick. There is talk about how the exam is designed to target our individual weaknesses. Caspian is called in before we can discuss it. He kisses me on the forehead and disappears. Johanna goes next, and then Finnick, who ruffles my hair comfortingly. Katniss and I sit in silence until she's called in and I'm left with just a few others.

My weaknesses. Where to start? My lack of experience in any type of combat. My unstable mind. My priority always being my family. What would Thirteen think is my greatest weakness? Will they have asked my friends and family for ideas? This just sends me down a rabbit hole of doubt, so I stop thinking. Whatever it is, I need to handle it.

Finally, my name is called. The only thing on my mind now is staying sane; it's the bar I set for myself. The first five minutes are simple enough; I have to assemble a gun and follow someone's orders as they lead me through the Capitol streets. I'm just starting to feel confident when it happens. The set behind me explodes in flames. Instinctively, I throw myself away from the heat. But once I'm on the ground, I can't seem to get up. The fire that killed my sister. The flames they tortured me with. Two faces flicker in the heat. My sister crying and Barrere laughing. The crackling turns into her voice shouting for me and his shouting at me. My eyes begin to close. My mouth opens to scream.

I stop myself just in time to swallow my shriek. I focus on the voice in my earpiece. The more I concentrate on it, the quieter Talise and Barrere's shouts become. The soldier is still talking to me, guiding me away from the fire. I let my mind go blank. All memories of Talise, of Barrere, of Peeta, of torture, even the good ones with Caspian, Finnick, Annie, Coventina and Malila, disappear. I get to my feet and follow the instructions. It takes no time at all to reach the end of the Block.

But there is one more obstacle. One more weakness that needs confronting.

A single person stands between me and the exit. They wear a Peacekeeper uniform. Their gun lies on the ground. Quietly, the soldier in my ear instructs me to take them out. One bullet to the chest and I can leave this nightmare. I know my gun is filled with blanks - paint at most - but the thought doesn't reassure me. My weakness. I have never killed a person.